White Queen and the Black Knight

We recently ordered in about thirty carpet samples from our supplier. While I was away at meetings, my VP took six of them and lined them up in front of her office door.


When I came back, I thought the squares looked chess boardy laying there on the floor. While she was gone, I added and White Queen and the Black Knight to the board.


I arranged the queen at her office door to represent her and the black knight to represent me. I wanted to give her a sense of dread and looming certainty that I would soon be taking over her spot and knocking her out of the game!

When I came back later, she had made a move! (I wasn't expecting that. I had taped the pieces to the board. There was only supposed to be looming certainty...)


I made a futile move.


And then she crushed me all while landing right back in her original office space.


I should know better.

(Nice shoes! The queen knows her shoes!)

Feazel Roofing takes the high road

Monday, June 16, 2008

To the administrator and readers of holyjuan.com and consumerist.com, and whomever else it concerns:

From our headquarters in Westerville, Feazel Roofing Company has been a leader in the roofing business in Greater Columbus for over 20 years. Great service to our clients has built this company, and keeping our entire team focused on that, everyday, will be one of the keys to our future growth and success.

Of course we provide full roof replacement services when necessary, but our company is very much focused on the service and maintenance of existing roof systems. We believe that this is a unique approach to this industry, because many contractors might try to recommend a more expensive roof replacement before it is necessary. However, we have found that with consistent maintenance and preventative care, a well-designed roof system can last much longer then expected.

In regards to the recent Blog post concerning the March 3rd direct mail marketing piece that you received, let me start by saying that I strongly agree with many of your opinions. I must admit, you’re not the only person which it upset, as I received a few other calls with the same concerns. The original marketing piece in question was designed by a 3rd party direct mail company. Fortunately, the letter was only sent as a test to a small group of individuals. While the language in this marketing piece was quite strong, the main message was supposed to be this, and these are quite verifiable facts: CertainTeed Corporation is the defendant in multiple class action lawsuits currently in process in 16 states (including Ohio), and further litigation pending in 8 other states and Canada. The lawsuits cover several different brand names of shingles manufactured since 1987, all of which have demonstrated premature curling, cracking, or de-granulation.

Here is a simple explanation of the CertainTeed Legal activity: http://www.lawyersandsettlements.com/features/certainteed-shingles.html

I paid an ad agency to write the letter because I didn’t know the best way to go about educating homeowners on this issue. Obviously, the real message got lost in “sales language” – the piece went way overboard, and I should not have allowed it. Therefore, it was my mistake, and I sincerely apologize.

We do offer free preliminary estimates for all services that our company performs, including repair and replacement. However, we also charge a $179 fee for a full roof inspection. This is a more detailed and time-consuming written report, which may include pictures of any damages found, detailed measurements and multiple courses of action to remedy any concerns. We also offer this service to business partners in the Home Inspection and Real Estate industries. Our inspection pricing is very much in line with what other companies of our size charge for this service, but we always rebate the fee if any work is found during our inspection, which we do find some about half of the time.

We were offering a discounted fee of $49 for a limited time, thinking that we could perform numerous inspections in one area, saving on gas and drive time. This aspect was my idea, not the marketing company who wrote the letter.

Everything else you stated on your original Blog Post is accurate for 99% of the cases we come across with defective shingles. 100% of the CertainTeed Horizon shingles installed were defective, and are installed on thousands of homes in Central Ohio. If your shingles are defective, your home will not collapse overnight, and more often than not, water isn’t currently entering the home. However, we have had more than a handful of cases in which water has entered walls just a few years after installation, causing mold growth and other severe interior damage.

For anyone who would happen to read this who knows that they have a CertainTeed shingle installed on their home, I suggest contacting an attorney. The law firm’s website I’ve been referring homeowners to is www.halunenlaw.com but there are numerous others working on this case which can be found if you search “CertainTeed class action” in your favorite internet browser.

I would like to close by saying again that I apologize for allowing this type of “scare tactic marketing” to be sent from my company. However, I also want to state that we will continue to educate the marketplace on this issue. The shingle manufactures don’t send out a recall letter (like you might get from an auto manufacturer). Left unaddressed, problems may arise, and in some cases the problems can become catastrophic if not found in time.



Sincerely,

Mike Feazel, President
Feazel Roofing Company, Inc.


{Author's note: I am satisfied with the response that I received from Feazel Roofing concerning an advertisement they recently sent out in the mail. I believe the letter to be sincere and consider the matter closed.

Because of the integrity they showed and the way in which our discussions concerning my issues were held, I am removing both posts because even though I might be satisfied with the reply from Feazel Roofing, the internet is not so forgiving.

I may be kicked out of the internet for these actions, but sometimes the right thing to do isn't the most popular.}

HJ

Mother’s Milk

(Conny’s name has been changed to protect his identity. Russ’ name has not.)

Donny was in Columbus for an insurance seminar and planned to stay an extra day so that we could go out for a few drinks. I enlisted a few buddies and we all met for beer, wings and more beer. A few hours later, the group had whittled itself to just Donny, Russ and me. We decided that it would be best if we continued our manly men evening at a strip club.

We went to a little place called Dockside Dolls and settled in towards the back for our first song and drink. Within minutes, Donny was struck by one of his skull splitting headaches. I am fortunate not to get headaches, but my teeth grind when I observe Donny having one of his. He gave it his best effort, but not even the voluptuous temptations of the nudie bar could keep him there. Russ said he would wait for me while I took Donny back to his hotel.

I drove Donny to his hotel. He apologized, got out and I returned to the club.

While I was gone, Russ had worked his way to the stage side seating. From there, the girls would have the patron stand up so that they could take the dollar bill tip in various interesting ways with various interesting body parts. Russ was no fool.

I pulled up a seat next to Russ, stacked my bills, took a drink and waited for my chance to give away my ones.

A young lady came up on stage and sauntered around for her first song. She came by and relieved Russ and I of a few of our bills. For the second song, she took off her top and made another round. I stood up with my dollar bill so there would be no doubt that I wanted to tip her. She stood in front of me and manipulated her breasts with her hands.

A streak of warm liquid arced from her chest and across my face and chest. I was stunned and she was frozen in place, mouth hanging open, starting at what she had done. She quickly turned and walked to the other side of the stage. I wiped my face… it was wet. I kept standing for a moment and looked at my shirt. Yep. A splattering of liquid. I sat down hard.

Russ hadn’t noticed.

I asked, “Did you see that?”

“See what?”

“That girl sprayed milk all over me!”

“What?”

“From her boob! She sprayed me with milk!” I held out my shirt.

Russ is never at a loss for words. “That’s gross.”

I said good-bye and left.

I was disenchanted. I’m not sure if it was the reaction to getting hit with bodily fluids or the more human reaction that this was a nursing mother who was trying to make ends meet by having ham-handed, asshole guys give her a buck or two to see her shake her tits. I was a bit taken aback by the ordeal and really started to wonder if the audience created the service or if there was service that needed an audience. Was I a bad guy for trading dollars for a look at boobs?

It didn’t do any good. There was no lesson learned. I was thinking about going back before my shirt dried. The only thing that has changed is that I now wear a rain slicker and goggles to the club. It’s the only way to be safe.

Two Circle Burns

I have a Troy Bilt EZ-Link trimmer with “an easy to switch out” edger attachment. Last year something went wrong or rather something predictable happened while I was attempting to edge through six inches of accumulated dirt, grass and gravel. The motor would run, but the edger blade would not spin. When I attempted to remove the edger attachment, I had to beat it silly so that it would become an unattachment. I put the trimmer back on and somehow it worked. I promised not to use the edger again because it would only cause me pain and suffering.

Today, after I tried to attach and use the edger attachment, I sat befuddled in the driveway, my fingers covered in grease, metal filings and greasy metal filings. The coupling from the motor end wouldn’t connect with the metal rod from the edger attachment end. The coupling kept pushing back and would disengage after five seconds of operation. I tightened some screws and made a final attempt. It failed again and I removed the attachment. The coupling was sitting where it was supposed to be so I stuck my finger inside it to see if it would resist or push backwards. What I soon found out was that the coupling and metal rod were spinning like crazy against each other creating finger burning friction. I yanked my sizzling finger out and stuck the greasy, metal filing covered finger right in my mouth. Yum.

I have a nicely round burn on my index finger, the lingering aftertaste of grease in my mouth and a Troy Bilt EZ-Link trimmer/edger that doesn’t work. I also have one more story about round burn marks on fingers.

A friend’s brother was working on his car engine. As he leaned in on the engine, his wedding ring came in contact with two points and that completed an electrical circuit. My electrical knowledge is pretty slim, but I know that metal, especially gold, conducts electricity. What I didn’t know was that it also heats the metal up. By the time he felt his finger burning the ring was very very hot. It was so hot that he could not grab it with his other hand and pull it off. It just sat there and burned him. Now when he takes off his ring, you can see a nice round scar.

There’s a joke somewhere in there about marriage, but I dare not find it as my wife has been reading my website and breaking the trimmer has all ready got me in the doghouse.

Greg and Dad: Bush's Invasion Plan

E-bay is great

My grandma was Melba Loughlin. She lived to be 88 years old. Mom said that when she was younger, she was flown to Cuba to sing opera. At some point in her fledgling career, she got pneumonia and when she recovered, she had lost the ability to hit the high notes. I think if you do the math, you'll see that without trips to Cuba, she probably settled down, got married and had the baby that would some day be my mom. Sometimes these things work out.

Where this is going is that later on in life, Melba wrote music for Jack and Jill magazine. Thanks to E-bay, I can track down some of my family's past. Here's the cover and the music and lyrics from one of her songs entitled, "Song for a Summer Morning."



I can't find the issue, but she had a song on the cover of Jack and Jill once. My mom used to sing it to us. It was called, "The Hippy Hippopotamus" and it went something like this:

The Hippy Hippopotamus
Took a ride upon the bus
All the ladies screamed and yelled,
"He's squashing us. He's squashing us."

Ask HolyJuan: Snooping Neighbor with Pooping Dog

Dear HolyJuan,

I recognize you as a shining beacon of reason in a world filled with inane ramblings. Because of the high regard by which I hold your judgment, I need to ask another question of you.

After I bought my house last year, I found out that my neighbor had also been interested in buying the house, and was upset that I had purchased the property out from under his nose.

On a number of occasions over the past year I’ve noticed this neighbor snooping around my property.

This past winter I spied tracks in the snow leading from my neighbor’s house to my backyard.

This spring, while readying my yard to be mowed, I noticed lots of dog poo strewn about my backyard. As my neighbor has a dog, and he obviously feels at home on my property, I suspect he has been using my backyard as his dog’s toilet.

Every time I knock on my neighbor’s door to discuss my concerns, he does not answer, although I know he is home.

So HolyJuan, how should I move forward on this issue? As always, I trust your judgment implicitly, and appreciate your attention to my trivial concerns.

Best Regards,
Sleepy Scott

P.S. Two other things that should be noted: 1) This neighbor is a very large man, who looks very much like Paul Sr. from the show American Chopper, so physical violence is off the table. 2) I’d rather not contact the police or dog warden, as again, this neighbor is huge and I suspect he would hold a grudge.

Dear Sleepy Scott,

I do not envy your position. There’s only one way to get rid of a bad neighbor and it’s illegal, so it is best just to learn to get along.

First off, I would begin by erecting a physical barrier between the two houses. If you can afford a fence, great. Make sure you check with your local ordinances to see how high and of what your fence could be constructed. If a fence is out of your price range, try landscaping. Mulch beds and trees can make a physical barrier as well as a psychological one, especially when planted in front of windows. Plus, they will add value to your home.

Second, get your lawn treated. You probably have some patches that need fixing from the dog peeing everywhere. You don’t have to go for the full 30,000 visits that the lawn company tries to get you to sign up for, just get the one. When the lawn guy leaves, ask for some of the additional “Chemicals On Grass” signs that they put up. Line these near the areas where you neighbor will most likely try to enter your yard. And if you are really like me, you cannot even afford to get the first lawn treatment so I would suggest borrowing the little signs from you neighbors who can.

Next, you’ll want to invest in the industrial sized containers of cayenne pepper and black pepper. During a dry evening, sprinkle a three foot path of this up and down your property line. The dog will take one sniff and avoid the area. You’ll need to reapply the powders after five days or a heavy rain. You should only need to do this for 10 – 15 days and the dog will learn to avoid that area. I'd suggest timing this with the chemical sign installation.

Last, if you think he is peeking in your windows, install a few motion sensitive lights. If that is out of your price range, an empty gray box mounted on the eves can also do the trick if he thinks there is a security camera inside. When you do see your neighbor, mention how someone has been sneaking around your house and that you have taken measures to defend your home. When he asks what measures, say you had to sign a confidentiality agreement with the security company and you can't discuss it.

I hope this helps. Good luck with your neighbor!!

Signed,

HolyJuan

PS And if that does not work, I suggest that once a week, you eat three cans of corn and one cup of peanuts for breakfast. Then at midnight, shit in your neighbor’s lawn. When you do see him, comment on how much you love corn. And peanuts. He’ll get the point.

Clinton demands votes from middle school students should count

Lancaster, OH (AP) With Senator Hillary Clinton so close to catching Senator Barack Obama, every vote counts; even if that vote comes from a middle schooler. Earlier today, the Clinton Campaign announced it would seek to count the votes from not only Florida and Michigan, but also the votes from a mock primary election held at the General Sherman Middle School in Lancaster, OH.

"It's a very close race, but if you count, as I count, the 2.3 million people who voted in Michigan and Florida, along with the 82 votes from General Sherman Middle School, then we are going to build on that," the New York senator said.

The mock election was held last Tuesday when the students’ interest in the primaries was piqued after the Ohio primary. Many of the students made posters, held rallies and created negative ad campaigns on YouTube.

Clinton Spokeswoman Norma Wright claimed that the students’ votes should count, “We cannot continue to disenfranchise voters, especially the younger voters. Pissed off kids usually end up becoming Republicans”

Some students did not vote in protest of the electronic voting machines that were used in the mock election. Seventh grader Mark summed it up, “These Sequoia Voting Systems machines are whack.”

General Sherman eight grade Class Treasurer and Hillary Clinton Fan Club president Rhonda Dotts remarked, “The kids that didn’t vote in protest are just doin’ it because it’s cool to protest and not to vote in protest and stuff.”

When was asked about counting the votes won by Obama from the caucus held across the city at Thomas Ewing Middle School, Hillary dismissed the votes explaining, “We can’t win caucuses so we do not believe in them.”

Hillary's Blatant Product Placement

Hillary's Math