His head pops off very easily and as I was sticking it back on I noticed that his neck is actually the end of a penis.
I think I remember a General Phallus from the Return of the Jedi.
New Star Wars Character: General Phallus
Greg got a General Pharl McQuarrie Star Wars action figure for Christmas.
His head pops off very easily and as I was sticking it back on I noticed that his neck is actually the end of a penis.
I think I remember a General Phallus from the Return of the Jedi.
His head pops off very easily and as I was sticking it back on I noticed that his neck is actually the end of a penis.
I think I remember a General Phallus from the Return of the Jedi.
Greg and Dad - Voting Difficulties
I am starting a new segment called "Greg and Dad." These are single panel cartoons that are drawn by Greg with text by Dad. The only thing I provide is the panel for Greg to draw in. Or at least in close proximity to.
Subliminal Company Logo
Any guesses?
You would think that this is the logo for the "Cock and Balls Company." We are still deciphering whether this is supposed to represent a printing press, a letter "g", a ying/yang or the team favorite, cock and balls.
You would think that this is the logo for the "Cock and Balls Company." We are still deciphering whether this is supposed to represent a printing press, a letter "g", a ying/yang or the team favorite, cock and balls.
Baby Ann in Columbus Monthly
Ann's photo was in the November issue of Columbus Monthly magazine. Erlina from Erlina Kim Photography was featured in a section about baby photography.
Damn. She is cute.
You're moving from LA to where?
{Author's Note: This has been updated as of 12/18/07 5-5-09... many a few things a lot of stuff has changed.}
Dear Amber,
My friend Lacey shared with me that youare moving have moved from Los Angeles to Columbus, OH. (I put OH after Columbus as we are not cool enough just to be known as just Columbus.) I do not know why Lacey would suggest me as your virtual tour guide except that once I gave her directions on how to get to the Columbus Zoo. She ended up in OrlandoLos Angeles so I’m not sure what that says about me.
There are only two reasons to move to Columbus: love or lust. You are from LA so I can only assume you are a Scientologist on a secret mission to find out what makes the Eastern Mid-Westerns tick. We have three motivations in Columbus: food, drink and fun. I have asked my friends to help me compile a list of places to go and things to do in Columbus. I had to ask my friends because all I know about Columbus involves drinking and I’d like to think there is more to this town than the bottom of a bottle.
I’m not good at categorizing so I’ll just roll with it:
Food
Columbus actually has really good food. When you get off the plane or when you are pulled over for speeding as you drive into the city limits, take note of all the fat and happy people. So, here are some good eatins:
If you like Mexican, margaritas and patio dining:
Estradas
Great for people watching and if you drink enough, great for people to watch you. Estradas has closed, but has re-opened as the NEW B-Hamptons. See BARS.
If you like awesome raw fish:
Restaurant Japan
Authentic Japanese atmosphere without the drunken business men.
**AUTHORS NOTE** Sadly, Restaurant Japan is closed and has been replaced by Sher-E-Punjab Indian. They do not have raw fish and I have to assume that they cook their food.
As a replacement, let me suggest the Tropical Bistro. Columbus used to be home to an unbelievable Tiki Restaurant called The Kahiki. Somebody must have worn the bad luck necklace from the Brady Bunch into it because it was closed down and replaced by a CVS. The Kahiki was stripped and all the decorative goodies were lovingly stored in a warehouse. Six years later, a tornado passed through the warehouse, gathered up the scenic elements and into a strip mall where the decorations were randomly stuck to the walls of an old Chinese carryout. They then decided to open up a bistro there. The Tropical Bistro has one of the chef's from the Kahiki and a couple of the bartenders as well. It's not the Kahiki, but when your are thirsty, you’ll drink about anything. They still make the best Suffering Bastard. CLOSED
If you like raw fish and hanging out with people who think you have to pay a lot to eat raw fish:
Haiku Poetic Food & Art (Restaurant)
You order sushi
Gucci bag and Prada shoes
We don’t take checks here
If you like sushi and karaoke (which is actually authentic Japanese atmosphere)
Otani Restaurant & Sushi Bar
They have a sushi buffet for lunch and that scares the bejesus out of me.
If you like both Germans and German food:
Schmidt's Restaurant und Sausage Haus
Hmmmmmm… sausage! I suggest brining along an extra pair of Gludaclowsen so that you don’t have to worry about splitting your wunderflutag and exposing your heidegraben.
Here are some other suggestions that I would write about except that I’ve been kicked out of two and cannot pronounce the third without coughing up phlegm:
Milo’s Deli
Spagio
Claddagh Irish Pub
Things To Do While Sober
This one was very tough for me. Luckily I had a number of friends who actually do things with their families outside of happy hour.
Parks
Inniswood Metro Garden
(This is word for word what Erik suggested) It’s a nice place to go with your family or take a romantic walk with your friend’s wife. It’s easy to navigate and lots to see. The last time I was there I saw a turtle, two snakes, and at least a half dozen frogs. They have a small nature preserve, nice gardens and some ponds, with interactives and signage for kids.
Highbanks Metro Park
They have a butterfly and hummingbird garden! If you have a cat and a cat leash you can take it on one of their three pet friendly paths. If you don't have a cat leash, thank God... I was worried there for a minute.
Bike Paths
I hear tell that bike riding can be a fun, invigorating, family building activity. I’ve listed the web site of the bike paths in Central Ohio so that we can both check it out.
Movies
The Drexel
The Drexel plays movies that make Al Gore cry. They also have a problem with their projectors as some films are black and white. Luckily, they run the words at the bottom of the screen.
The Arena Grand
The Arena Grand movie complex has big, comfy, red leather seats. Not sure if that is for comfort or easy clean up. I hear it is a great place for a first date except that the seats are too far apart for a clean “yawn, stretch and reach to arm over the shoulder” trick.
Things To Do While Not Sober
There are a lot of places to drink in Columbus. We’ve got ritzy places and we’ve got dive bars. We got places where a 24 year old idiot will hit on you, other places where a 42 year old idiot will hit on you and a few that I don’t go to. Here are a few of my favorite spots:
The R Bar (North of Campus and in the Arena District)
{The R Bar is now closed... I weep and weep again. This is the bar where we went to see the Small-of-the-Back-Girl and to go to Phase 3 and to cry when we all gotlaid off from COSI. Well, shit....}
B-Hamptons (awesome happy hour and good looking clientel)
I wept when I got the news. B Hamptons has been re-born as Hampton's on King
Thurman Café (eat while you drink; try one of their world famous burgers)
Brazenhead Irish Pub (several locations, several beers on tap, several good looking people drinking at all hours of the day)
Char Bar (Check out the haunted piano in the basement. Use the chalkboards in the bathrooms to make fun of your friends.)
Byrne's Pub (Good music and Granddad’s pizza next door. Don’t ask for Guinness in a pitcher.)
The Round Bar (Look for the bartender who uses a scrunchie to flirt with the clientèle.) A fucking shame.
Dance
Skully's
I must implore you to check out Skully’s 80’s dance night. We usually get drinks at one of the above mentioned locations until 10:30pm and then head over to Skully’s. Ladies get in free and dudes pay $4. We have had some really great times at Skully’s. At least that’s what it looks like in the photos that are e-mailed to me the next day.
Outland
Wear black. Take a friend. Hopefully with re-open.
I hope this list helps. There are a ton of things I left out. My suggestion to you is that you look for The Other Paper. It’s a free, weekly newspaper, published on Thursday that lists all the concerts, venues, bars and events happening in Columbus for that week. Dave tells me there are some interesting personal ads in the back. Lacey and I actually had our photo posted in the Other Paper once. Check it out!
Good luck. Columbus is surprisingly a great place to live. And drink. {Author's note: And drink more.}
Dear Amber,
My friend Lacey shared with me that you
There are only two reasons to move to Columbus: love or lust. You are from LA so I can only assume you are a Scientologist on a secret mission to find out what makes the Eastern Mid-Westerns tick. We have three motivations in Columbus: food, drink and fun. I have asked my friends to help me compile a list of places to go and things to do in Columbus. I had to ask my friends because all I know about Columbus involves drinking and I’d like to think there is more to this town than the bottom of a bottle.
I’m not good at categorizing so I’ll just roll with it:
Food
Columbus actually has really good food. When you get off the plane or when you are pulled over for speeding as you drive into the city limits, take note of all the fat and happy people. So, here are some good eatins:
Estradas
Great for people watching and if you drink enough, great for people to watch you.
If you like awesome raw fish:
Restaurant Japan
Authentic Japanese atmosphere without the drunken business men.
**AUTHORS NOTE** Sadly, Restaurant Japan is closed and has been replaced by Sher-E-Punjab Indian. They do not have raw fish and I have to assume that they cook their food.
If you like raw fish and hanging out with people who think you have to pay a lot to eat raw fish:
Haiku Poetic Food & Art (Restaurant)
You order sushi
Gucci bag and Prada shoes
We don’t take checks here
If you like sushi and karaoke (which is actually authentic Japanese atmosphere)
Otani Restaurant & Sushi Bar
They have a sushi buffet for lunch and that scares the bejesus out of me.
If you like both Germans and German food:
Schmidt's Restaurant und Sausage Haus
Hmmmmmm… sausage! I suggest brining along an extra pair of Gludaclowsen so that you don’t have to worry about splitting your wunderflutag and exposing your heidegraben.
Here are some other suggestions that I would write about except that I’ve been kicked out of two and cannot pronounce the third without coughing up phlegm:
Milo’s Deli
Spagio
Claddagh Irish Pub
Things To Do While Sober
This one was very tough for me. Luckily I had a number of friends who actually do things with their families outside of happy hour.
Parks
Inniswood Metro Garden
(This is word for word what Erik suggested) It’s a nice place to go with your family or take a romantic walk with your friend’s wife. It’s easy to navigate and lots to see. The last time I was there I saw a turtle, two snakes, and at least a half dozen frogs. They have a small nature preserve, nice gardens and some ponds, with interactives and signage for kids.
Highbanks Metro Park
They have a butterfly and hummingbird garden! If you have a cat and a cat leash you can take it on one of their three pet friendly paths. If you don't have a cat leash, thank God... I was worried there for a minute.
Bike Paths
I hear tell that bike riding can be a fun, invigorating, family building activity. I’ve listed the web site of the bike paths in Central Ohio so that we can both check it out.
Movies
The Drexel
The Drexel plays movies that make Al Gore cry. They also have a problem with their projectors as some films are black and white. Luckily, they run the words at the bottom of the screen.
The Arena Grand
The Arena Grand movie complex has big, comfy, red leather seats. Not sure if that is for comfort or easy clean up. I hear it is a great place for a first date except that the seats are too far apart for a clean “yawn, stretch and reach to arm over the shoulder” trick.
Things To Do While Not Sober
There are a lot of places to drink in Columbus. We’ve got ritzy places and we’ve got dive bars. We got places where a 24 year old idiot will hit on you, other places where a 42 year old idiot will hit on you and a few that I don’t go to. Here are a few of my favorite spots:
{The R Bar is now closed... I weep and weep again. This is the bar where we went to see the Small-of-the-Back-Girl and to go to Phase 3 and to cry when we all got
I wept when I got the news.
Thurman Café (eat while you drink; try one of their world famous burgers)
Brazenhead Irish Pub (several locations, several beers on tap, several good looking people drinking at all hours of the day)
Char Bar (Check out the haunted piano in the basement. Use the chalkboards in the bathrooms to make fun of your friends.)
Byrne's Pub (Good music and Granddad’s pizza next door. Don’t ask for Guinness in a pitcher.)
Dance
Skully's
I must implore you to check out Skully’s 80’s dance night. We usually get drinks at one of the above mentioned locations until 10:30pm and then head over to Skully’s. Ladies get in free and dudes pay $4. We have had some really great times at Skully’s. At least that’s what it looks like in the photos that are e-mailed to me the next day.
Wear black. Take a friend.
I hope this list helps. There are a ton of things I left out. My suggestion to you is that you look for The Other Paper. It’s a free, weekly newspaper, published on Thursday that lists all the concerts, venues, bars and events happening in Columbus for that week. Dave tells me there are some interesting personal ads in the back. Lacey and I actually had our photo posted in the Other Paper once. Check it out!
Good luck. Columbus is surprisingly a great place to live. And drink. {Author's note: And drink more.}
Ten Ways I Exposed Myself to be a Dumbass
Voted for Bush in 2000
I still consider myself to be a Republican, but it is hard to be one when you are an atheist, pro-choice and pro-gay marriage. Even the Log Cabin Republicans won’t accept me in their ranks. In 2000, I voted for Bush because I did not like Gore’s “lock box” or his fiscal policies. I really didn’t vote for George Bush as much as I voted against Gore. I remember watching Bush’s inaugural address and thinking, “What did I just do?”
Got into a “debate” with a Truther
Holy crap. Do not under any circumstances get into a debate with a 9/11 Thruther. First off, there is no argument or scientific evidence you can provide that can’t be “countered” by a video on YouTube. Secondly, it seems that for every Thruther you start a conversation with, three more pop out of the internet with “friend of a friend” eyewitness reports, swearing to God that evidence of thermite residue was found in a burrito on 32nd street. And damnit… I hate getting called a sheeple. Or is the singular sheeperson?
Left “funny” AIDS voicemail on co-worker’s phone.
Years ago I was a supervisor over twenty or so part-timers. We had a change in a meeting time and I was calling all of the team to update them. I was attempting to be funny and left various prank messages with the new meeting time. When I called this particular team member, she did not answer so I left a message as “Doctor Ames” from the clinic and that her blood tests came back positive for AIDS and that she should come in at the new meeting time for her results. She did call me back. She called me back to say that her cousin had just died of AIDS and that she did not find my message very funny. I apologized, but it didn’t do any good. I am not smart. Dumbass.
Got caught jerking off when door was left unlocked
Without mentioning where, when, who or how; let just say the fact that I was making love to myself was pretty clear. Guys… lock the door or build the thing where you can put a 2x4 across the frame. Otherwise, your poor mother will be scarred for life and her poor boy will blindly rot in hell. (FYI, it was to a Cosmopolitan Magazine, the jerking material of choice for 13 year old boys since 1886.)
Hit reply all
I think that many people have fallen into this e-mail snafu. I had a pretty good relationship with my boss and felt like I could say anything to him. When an e-mail came around about some company wide changes, I felt obligated to reply to him and suggest he take the changes and shove them up his ass. Twelve other people got the “shove up your ass” reply that day. I did not get fired. But I did have to apologize for the e-mail. Of course, no one believed it.
Fell asleep on the couch… in the garage
This one takes a bit of explaining. I came home very late one night after being out. Usually, I pull my car into the garage and head in, but this night when I opened the garage door, there was a couch in my parking spot. We had just bought a new couch and were donating the old one to the Salvation Army. The couch dudes were kind enough to stick the old couch in our garage for easy pickup. I parked in the driveway, closed the garage door and slunk inside. Usually I would then creep to the couch so that I would not wake up Miss Sally, but upon entering the house, I remember her mother was spending the night and she was asleep on the couch in front of the television. My solution? Sleep on the couch… in the garage.
I remember waking up in almost total darkness. A long, thin crack of bright light poked me in the eye. I thought, “Where the fuck am I?” I was a little freaked out. As my eyes adjusted to the light, I recognized a car shape. I shuffled to the door and walked inside. It was 10:00am and my wife and her mother were standing in the kitchen staring at me. Oh boy.
Used debit card at the nudie bar
In one of the greatest nudie bar adventures of my life, I went to the Landing Strip in Romulus, MI. Needless to say, it was a very, very good time. At one point in the night, I had run out of the cash I brought and needed, desperately it seemed, to buy a drink for a young lady. Instead of taking out cash from the ATM that charged $20 a pop, I started a tab. I bought a drink for me and a drink for her. Probably around $30. About five days later, Miss Sally called me to say she had tried to buy something and we had insufficient funds. I checked our account and the Landing Strip was holding my card for $500!!!! I about shit my pants. I called them up and was put in touch with the manager. She assured me that I was not being charged $500, but that was the hold that they put on my card and it would disappear once the charge went through. I had to explain this to Miss Sally. Oh boy.
Thought I was going to vote for Guiliani
Six months ago, Guiliani was my man. He’s got some of the qualities I hold dear: gruff, wise ass, son-a-bitch, kinda pro-life and kinda gay marriage. And he can beat Hillary in an election. But then I actually decided to read about him and the bottom dropped out. He started to change his opinions. He started to hem. He started to haw. I thought it was a joke that every other word out of his mouth was 9/11 until it started to happen with every word. The final straw was him answering his cell phone during a speech. Idiot. I just might end up voting for Ron Paul.
Separated from John in Europe
John and I went to Paris in the fall of 1993. Due to some sleeping issues on the flight over (I slept the whole way and he didn’t sleep at all) we were on completely different schedules. He would wake up around 4:00am local time and I would wake up at 10:00am. He would go to bed at 7:00pm and me at 1:00am. This gave us about six hours of waking time together during the day. Due to some other inconvenient planning, we spent eleven days in Paris without traveling outside the city limits. By that time we were sick of Paris and sick of each other. He wanted to go to London and I wanted to go to Spain. We argued and in the end, we parted ways. He had a great time in London, mostly. I had a great time in Spain, mostly. But I love (hate?) to think about the trouble we would have gotten into if we could have agreed to stick together and pick one destination over the other.
Did not step into a fight
In seventh grade, my friend and I were kicking a soccer ball back and forth. Three bullies came along and took the ball. Fred stood up to the biggest one of them and tried to get the ball back. The bully pushed back and his buddies helped to rough up Fred. I hung my head and did not intervene. Fred kept getting shoved to the ground, but he kept getting up. Finally he stayed down and they laughed and walked away. I will never forget my cowardice that day. Dumbass.
I still consider myself to be a Republican, but it is hard to be one when you are an atheist, pro-choice and pro-gay marriage. Even the Log Cabin Republicans won’t accept me in their ranks. In 2000, I voted for Bush because I did not like Gore’s “lock box” or his fiscal policies. I really didn’t vote for George Bush as much as I voted against Gore. I remember watching Bush’s inaugural address and thinking, “What did I just do?”
Got into a “debate” with a Truther
Holy crap. Do not under any circumstances get into a debate with a 9/11 Thruther. First off, there is no argument or scientific evidence you can provide that can’t be “countered” by a video on YouTube. Secondly, it seems that for every Thruther you start a conversation with, three more pop out of the internet with “friend of a friend” eyewitness reports, swearing to God that evidence of thermite residue was found in a burrito on 32nd street. And damnit… I hate getting called a sheeple. Or is the singular sheeperson?
Left “funny” AIDS voicemail on co-worker’s phone.
Years ago I was a supervisor over twenty or so part-timers. We had a change in a meeting time and I was calling all of the team to update them. I was attempting to be funny and left various prank messages with the new meeting time. When I called this particular team member, she did not answer so I left a message as “Doctor Ames” from the clinic and that her blood tests came back positive for AIDS and that she should come in at the new meeting time for her results. She did call me back. She called me back to say that her cousin had just died of AIDS and that she did not find my message very funny. I apologized, but it didn’t do any good. I am not smart. Dumbass.
Got caught jerking off when door was left unlocked
Without mentioning where, when, who or how; let just say the fact that I was making love to myself was pretty clear. Guys… lock the door or build the thing where you can put a 2x4 across the frame. Otherwise, your poor mother will be scarred for life and her poor boy will blindly rot in hell. (FYI, it was to a Cosmopolitan Magazine, the jerking material of choice for 13 year old boys since 1886.)
Hit reply all
I think that many people have fallen into this e-mail snafu. I had a pretty good relationship with my boss and felt like I could say anything to him. When an e-mail came around about some company wide changes, I felt obligated to reply to him and suggest he take the changes and shove them up his ass. Twelve other people got the “shove up your ass” reply that day. I did not get fired. But I did have to apologize for the e-mail. Of course, no one believed it.
Fell asleep on the couch… in the garage
This one takes a bit of explaining. I came home very late one night after being out. Usually, I pull my car into the garage and head in, but this night when I opened the garage door, there was a couch in my parking spot. We had just bought a new couch and were donating the old one to the Salvation Army. The couch dudes were kind enough to stick the old couch in our garage for easy pickup. I parked in the driveway, closed the garage door and slunk inside. Usually I would then creep to the couch so that I would not wake up Miss Sally, but upon entering the house, I remember her mother was spending the night and she was asleep on the couch in front of the television. My solution? Sleep on the couch… in the garage.
I remember waking up in almost total darkness. A long, thin crack of bright light poked me in the eye. I thought, “Where the fuck am I?” I was a little freaked out. As my eyes adjusted to the light, I recognized a car shape. I shuffled to the door and walked inside. It was 10:00am and my wife and her mother were standing in the kitchen staring at me. Oh boy.
Used debit card at the nudie bar
In one of the greatest nudie bar adventures of my life, I went to the Landing Strip in Romulus, MI. Needless to say, it was a very, very good time. At one point in the night, I had run out of the cash I brought and needed, desperately it seemed, to buy a drink for a young lady. Instead of taking out cash from the ATM that charged $20 a pop, I started a tab. I bought a drink for me and a drink for her. Probably around $30. About five days later, Miss Sally called me to say she had tried to buy something and we had insufficient funds. I checked our account and the Landing Strip was holding my card for $500!!!! I about shit my pants. I called them up and was put in touch with the manager. She assured me that I was not being charged $500, but that was the hold that they put on my card and it would disappear once the charge went through. I had to explain this to Miss Sally. Oh boy.
Thought I was going to vote for Guiliani
Six months ago, Guiliani was my man. He’s got some of the qualities I hold dear: gruff, wise ass, son-a-bitch, kinda pro-life and kinda gay marriage. And he can beat Hillary in an election. But then I actually decided to read about him and the bottom dropped out. He started to change his opinions. He started to hem. He started to haw. I thought it was a joke that every other word out of his mouth was 9/11 until it started to happen with every word. The final straw was him answering his cell phone during a speech. Idiot. I just might end up voting for Ron Paul.
Separated from John in Europe
John and I went to Paris in the fall of 1993. Due to some sleeping issues on the flight over (I slept the whole way and he didn’t sleep at all) we were on completely different schedules. He would wake up around 4:00am local time and I would wake up at 10:00am. He would go to bed at 7:00pm and me at 1:00am. This gave us about six hours of waking time together during the day. Due to some other inconvenient planning, we spent eleven days in Paris without traveling outside the city limits. By that time we were sick of Paris and sick of each other. He wanted to go to London and I wanted to go to Spain. We argued and in the end, we parted ways. He had a great time in London, mostly. I had a great time in Spain, mostly. But I love (hate?) to think about the trouble we would have gotten into if we could have agreed to stick together and pick one destination over the other.
Did not step into a fight
In seventh grade, my friend and I were kicking a soccer ball back and forth. Three bullies came along and took the ball. Fred stood up to the biggest one of them and tried to get the ball back. The bully pushed back and his buddies helped to rough up Fred. I hung my head and did not intervene. Fred kept getting shoved to the ground, but he kept getting up. Finally he stayed down and they laughed and walked away. I will never forget my cowardice that day. Dumbass.
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