Angry Sheep

This sheep scares me. He lives at the Columbus Zoo and when we visit, I always take his photo so that I can show other people why he scares me. I'm not sure if his teeth are sticking out or if he's just got an evil grin. He's definitely pissed at something and I think it's me.

Fox News Suffers Due to Writers Strike

The writers’ strike in Hollywood has programs like “The Tonight Show” and “The Office” stuck in rerun limbo. The strike has also affected Fox News’ ability to get their word out. David Jeffers, Fox News Producer lamented, “Without the writers, it’s pretty hard to create a day to day, positive spin on the war and Bush administration. We hate the striking bastards, but we need their creative flair.”

The writers’ strike, now well in to its first week, has caused Fox to re-run old news and focus on the weather. “We could really use a hurricane about now.” After a moment he changed his mind, “Well, actually it took about forty-two writers to get us though the last hurricane debacle… how about an earthquake?”

A Production Assistant, who chose to remain nameless, claimed that he had to write a recent story about the surge progress. “I kinda just used some action words and dropped in a few ‘terrorisms’… it actually wasn’t that tough.” The Production Assistant is credited for the claim that Al Qaeda was completely out of Baghdad. “Yeah, I made that up, too. But it seems to have stuck.”

Fox seems to have struck gold with OJ Simpson back in court. Their twelve hours of coverage actually doubled the amount of time OJ was actually in court. Jeffers added, “We are working on a brief to have the case moved to Reno so that we can stretch out the proceedings.”

“The hardest part of the week was not being able to make the overturning of Bush’s veto into a liberal slam fest. I’m sure those clever asshole writers would have thought of something.”

When asked about Bush’s trip to see the wounded veterans, Jeffers sighed and admitted, “We paid Limbaugh for some of his writers’ material. Most of his stuff comes in from Canada and Puerto Rico.”

Jeffers had one positive note. “Luckily we’ve got Hillary and Ron Paul campaigning out there. Some of the stuff they say… you just can't make that shit up.”

Young Love

The Official List of Nudie Bar Rules

1. NO BODY GLITTER! LET THIS BE THE FIRST LAW.

2. All stripper perfume is allowed to initially smell like cotton candy or vanilla, but within five minutes of leaving the establishment, must transform to smell like church incense or library books.

3. Every private dance song will either be Alice’s Restaurant or In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida.

4. Any garment that is not see through must be removed before the second song.

5. No dancing into the second trimester.

6. All stripper names must be named after cars. This will enable men to speak freely about their experiences and not get a beat down from the women folk.

7. No lactating. I mean it.

8. Before you leave the nudie bar, attendants will change back your ones for larger bills that are crisp with no folds or creases.

9. The following types of tattoos must be covered in lap dance proof makeup:
-other guys’ names
-Simpsons characters
-spiders
-kids’ names
-any reference to Daddy
-“exit only”

10. No cesarean section scars over two feet long.

11. No piercings with sharp edges.

12. No biting. I know you might think that we think it is hot (it is), but it requires us have our buddies create larger, cover-up bruises and then excuses for the bruises.

13. All nipples should face forward between 15 degrees up and 35 degrees down. Any nipples facing more than 35 degrees down will be immediately fined $10 for every degree.

14. Any dance garment that is wider than 3” is completely illegal.

Can you believe this product?

Miss Shelly saw this in a magazine, thought of me and cut it out. Thanks…

A drop of this miracle liquid in the toilet bowl is reported supposed to cover up 98% of bathroom stank.

First off, I have never tried the product and won’t, so I cannot give you an honest opinion (the shit might just work.) If you want a review, Chris Rockwell over at www.poopreport.com did an in depth study of the product. He has a theory about floating poop.

Second, how do you come up with a percentage of bathroom stink and then rate it on a scale? Here’s what I think… what they did was load up the fattest guy in the manufacturing plant with cabbage and white castles, had him drink draught beer for a day, killed him in the bathroom, let him sit for a week and then let his bowels loose with a whaling harpoon. Three independent judges in the bathroom would consider that smell 100% stink and judged other stanks based on the memory of that smell.

Third, even though it comes with a concealing carrying case, if you got caught with this product, it would be 1000x worse than having people call you out on your stinky poop. It’s like getting caught with Masturbation Wipes.

A few years ago, we had some clients in from California for a meeting in our one bathroomed, studio. One of the guys was not doing so well and hot sweat poured off his brow as his guts gurgled and churned. He called for a break and staggered off to the bathroom. The bathroom door only acted as an amplifier and the studio shook and reverberated as his bowels unclenched. The reek was horrific and every non-essential team member left for lunch at 10:00am. Holly did her best to cover the smell by lighting a coffee scented candle that had sat on her desk for the past two years. It had a layer of dust on it three inches deep that was stuffed in the protective plastic coating. She lit it anyways. The perfect storm of shit smell, burning dust, melting plastic and fake coffee came together and drifted up to the front of the office. Somehow the mingled, gas chamber combination made it to the meeting room and it smelled like burning wood. Actually, a pleasant smell. In some circles, it is still considered a miracle.

So unless this product can combine the essence of dust carbon, melting plastic and faux coffee… I ain’t buying it.

Goodnight Nobody…… I hope

I am in round two of reading books like “Goodnight Moon” by Margaret Wise Brown and Clement Hurd to my second kid. Way back in round one, I mentioned how a painting in “Goodnight Moon” that showed one rabbit fishing for another rabbit creeped me out.



Later I found out that painting is from another book by Brown/Hurd. Creepy, yes, but I get it now.

I was fine until recently when I came to this page:



It is exactly what you see. A blank page with “Goodnight nobody” at the bottom. On the next page he says “Goodnight mush” and they show a picture of mush in a bowl. I never thought anything about it until I really started to look at the page for anything. A dot or a shadow or a hint of a wall. There’s NOBODY there. And that is really starting to freak me out because he doesn’t say “Goodnight nothing,” he says “nobody” which means no person. Which means that he might have thought someone was there or there was someone there a minute ago and now they are gone. Who were they? Is the old woman whispering hush killed by “nobody” three pages later?

I could tear out that page, but it would really mess up the meter. I think the answer is for me to photoshop the earlier mentioned painting onto that page so that I can kill two birds with one stone: get rid of “nobody” and explain what that photo means.



Fixed!

Cancer Awareness Idiot

I saw this woman throw her cigarette out her window and then noticed her personalized Breast Cancer Awareness license plate.

Idiot.

Perhaps I am just an asshole, but it seems as if you support such a cause, you wouldn't engage in similar ,and very obvious, self-destructive activities.

And quit littering. I sometimes wonder if it is illegal to give someone back their cigarette butt by throwing it back in their car.

The Display of Chokables

This is one of eight or nine "high-up" places in the house where we put the small items that Ann might choke on. 99% of these items are off of Greg's toys. In about two or three days we'll either re-attach or trash. Re-attach is code for looking at an item for a few seconds and then putting it in the trash.

Though that Star Wars blaster might make the cut. That missile too. I always hated when those came up missing.

Zoo Annual Meeting

Rudy Giuliani has a dream