Rejection (Number two)
I suppose that knowing you are being rejected is better than never hearing anything back from a publisher. I've sent out "The Power of Soup" to five publishers and have only heard back from two including this one:
This letter was sent on a half sheet of 8 1/2 x 11 paper. I've got to give it to them for telling me to go fuck off and helping the environment with using 50% less paper.
This letter was sent on a half sheet of 8 1/2 x 11 paper. I've got to give it to them for telling me to go fuck off and helping the environment with using 50% less paper.
You have an interesting accent. Where are you from?
I was friends with a few illegal immigrants for a few months. These illegals were from England, so on the scale of illegals that people grind their teeth about, they were towards the acceptable end.
I was in Denver a few years back when the Californians were just starting to take over the real estate en mass. Right before I moved there, a friend of a friend gave me the name of a guy named Rob who lived in Denver and that I should get in contact with him if I wanted a drink. I wanted a drink, so I called Rob. Rob was very friendly and introduced me to his circle of friends. His circle included a couple of illegal aliens from England.
The one undocumented worker I hung out the most was a brick layer. I forget his name, so I’ll call him Mason. Mason had worked his way across the country. He would get a job at a construction site, give a fake social security number and claim 243 exemptions on his paycheck so that no taxes would be taken out. When Uncle Sam would come knocking, he’d run out the back door. He’d made it from New York to Colorado. Not bad. Mason was in a spot of trouble because he had fallen in love with one of Rob’s American female friends. Love means sticking around and hiding from the government. Love stinks.
We all got together in a bar one night with a large group of Rob’s friends. Two of Mason’s friends showed up as well. They were illegals from England who were working in Vail as midwives. How the hell do you get a job as a midwife when you don’t have residency? Oh well. I can just imagine her accent during the delivery, “Right luv, ya need ta push ‘arder if you wont that bah-bee ta come out. FUKIN' POOSH!”
I was smitten by one of the girls. She had a very think accent and thicker skin. She drank and drank. My two favorite qualities in a woman. She and I stood talking for a few minutes as I tried to pick her up with my endless charm. Another guy slid over and stood by listening in on our conversation, trying to harp in on my action. At some point, he found a pause to interject, “You have a very interesting accent. Where are you from?”
She turned to him and said plainly:
“Me mother’s cunt.”
The guy, though stiff with shock, rolled himself up into a very small ball and wobbled back across the room.
I fell even deeper into love.
But, she wanted nothing to do with me. I tried too hard. She found some other boy that night and I ended up with only this story.
I left Denver a few months later without ever hooking up with an illegal alien. I do not know if Mason stayed in love or continued his Westward run from Uncle Sam.
I was in Denver a few years back when the Californians were just starting to take over the real estate en mass. Right before I moved there, a friend of a friend gave me the name of a guy named Rob who lived in Denver and that I should get in contact with him if I wanted a drink. I wanted a drink, so I called Rob. Rob was very friendly and introduced me to his circle of friends. His circle included a couple of illegal aliens from England.
The one undocumented worker I hung out the most was a brick layer. I forget his name, so I’ll call him Mason. Mason had worked his way across the country. He would get a job at a construction site, give a fake social security number and claim 243 exemptions on his paycheck so that no taxes would be taken out. When Uncle Sam would come knocking, he’d run out the back door. He’d made it from New York to Colorado. Not bad. Mason was in a spot of trouble because he had fallen in love with one of Rob’s American female friends. Love means sticking around and hiding from the government. Love stinks.
We all got together in a bar one night with a large group of Rob’s friends. Two of Mason’s friends showed up as well. They were illegals from England who were working in Vail as midwives. How the hell do you get a job as a midwife when you don’t have residency? Oh well. I can just imagine her accent during the delivery, “Right luv, ya need ta push ‘arder if you wont that bah-bee ta come out. FUKIN' POOSH!”
I was smitten by one of the girls. She had a very think accent and thicker skin. She drank and drank. My two favorite qualities in a woman. She and I stood talking for a few minutes as I tried to pick her up with my endless charm. Another guy slid over and stood by listening in on our conversation, trying to harp in on my action. At some point, he found a pause to interject, “You have a very interesting accent. Where are you from?”
She turned to him and said plainly:
“Me mother’s cunt.”
The guy, though stiff with shock, rolled himself up into a very small ball and wobbled back across the room.
I fell even deeper into love.
But, she wanted nothing to do with me. I tried too hard. She found some other boy that night and I ended up with only this story.
I left Denver a few months later without ever hooking up with an illegal alien. I do not know if Mason stayed in love or continued his Westward run from Uncle Sam.
How pilots at the Airport del Norte in Monterrey, Mexico know when to take off
Photo by: Ramon Morales
Morality Credits
Have you heard of carbon credits? We all generate pollution that is usually created through dirty, non-renewable energy. You can offset your bad energy usage by purchasing carbon credits. It’s a bogus way for us to all feel good about setting our air conditioner down to 68 degrees.
I’m not a smart man, but I know an opportunity when I see one. That’s why I am offering, for a small fee, Morality Credits.
Morality Credits can be purchased for a mere $10 per credit. In turn, I will then perform good deeds to combat your immoral acts and to add balance to the universal karma teeter-totter. This gives you the opportunity to sin and wake up in a back alley with a clear conscious.
Say for instance, you want to go out to the nudie bar. On the Morality Credits chart you will see that an hour in the nudie bar (with one lap dance per hour) will cost you two Morality Credits ($20). In turn, I will volunteer with Meals on Wheels for two hours to off set your sins.
If you want to cheat on your spouse, you’ll need to buy ten Morality Credits ($100.) In turn, I will help 320 old ladies to cross the street. Some of you may question, "How do we know you are committing good acts without any proof." That is a very good question which reminds me that doubting is a sin and costs two Morality Credits.
Morality Credits also works the other way. If you are the charitable type and volunteer your time or give money to a charity, I am offering Morality-Bucks, good for future-sins (Morality-Bucks expire one year after they are issued, though the good feelings last forever. Morality-Bucks are non-transferable. Do not taunt Morality-Bucks.) For every goody-two-shoes Morality-Bucks issued, I will do some sinful act to create balance in the universe. Many of you may think that I am double dipping into the sins by giving credit for future sin and then taking on some of the sin myself. That’s OK because we all know that good is better than evil and evil needs to try twice as hard.
You can buy individual Morality Credits for $10 or you can buy a set of 1000 for $200,000 and get 1000 free!
Here is a sample of sins and the necessary Morality Credits needed to balance out your sin.
Driving 10 MPH over the speed limit-----1 Morality Credit
Cheating on test-----1 Morality Credit
Cheating on girlfriend-----4 Morality Credits
Cheating on boyfriend-----20 Morality Credit (girls shouldn’t cheat)
Trip to nudie bar (one hour/one lap dance)-----2 Morality Credits
Drinking when you said you’d work late-----2 Morality Credits
Working late when you said you be drinkin’-----2 Morality-Bucks
Masturbating to Goat Porn-----1 Morality Credit
Sex with a goat-----1 Morality Credits plus 10 more for cheating
So you see, it is advantageous for you to clear your conscious and your wallet to keep the balance balanced.
Contact me at holyjuan@gmail.com if you have a sin that needs an amount determined or if you need to purchase additional credits.
I’m not a smart man, but I know an opportunity when I see one. That’s why I am offering, for a small fee, Morality Credits.
Morality Credits can be purchased for a mere $10 per credit. In turn, I will then perform good deeds to combat your immoral acts and to add balance to the universal karma teeter-totter. This gives you the opportunity to sin and wake up in a back alley with a clear conscious.
Say for instance, you want to go out to the nudie bar. On the Morality Credits chart you will see that an hour in the nudie bar (with one lap dance per hour) will cost you two Morality Credits ($20). In turn, I will volunteer with Meals on Wheels for two hours to off set your sins.
If you want to cheat on your spouse, you’ll need to buy ten Morality Credits ($100.) In turn, I will help 320 old ladies to cross the street. Some of you may question, "How do we know you are committing good acts without any proof." That is a very good question which reminds me that doubting is a sin and costs two Morality Credits.
Morality Credits also works the other way. If you are the charitable type and volunteer your time or give money to a charity, I am offering Morality-Bucks, good for future-sins (Morality-Bucks expire one year after they are issued, though the good feelings last forever. Morality-Bucks are non-transferable. Do not taunt Morality-Bucks.) For every goody-two-shoes Morality-Bucks issued, I will do some sinful act to create balance in the universe. Many of you may think that I am double dipping into the sins by giving credit for future sin and then taking on some of the sin myself. That’s OK because we all know that good is better than evil and evil needs to try twice as hard.
You can buy individual Morality Credits for $10 or you can buy a set of 1000 for $200,000 and get 1000 free!
Here is a sample of sins and the necessary Morality Credits needed to balance out your sin.
Driving 10 MPH over the speed limit-----1 Morality Credit
Cheating on test-----1 Morality Credit
Cheating on girlfriend-----4 Morality Credits
Cheating on boyfriend-----20 Morality Credit (girls shouldn’t cheat)
Trip to nudie bar (one hour/one lap dance)-----2 Morality Credits
Drinking when you said you’d work late-----2 Morality Credits
Working late when you said you be drinkin’-----2 Morality-Bucks
Masturbating to Goat Porn-----1 Morality Credit
Sex with a goat-----1 Morality Credits plus 10 more for cheating
So you see, it is advantageous for you to clear your conscious and your wallet to keep the balance balanced.
Contact me at holyjuan@gmail.com if you have a sin that needs an amount determined or if you need to purchase additional credits.
Happy 9th Anniversary
It was nine years ago today that Sally and I got married on Kiawah Island, South Carolina.
Happy Anniversary!
Randy Pausch
"It's not about how to achieve your dreams, it's about how to lead your life. If you lead your life the right way the Karma will take care of itself; the dreams will come to you."
-Randy Pausch
{Author's note: On July 24th, 2008, Randy Pausch passed away. Though he stressed that we should not mourn his passing, it is impossible to not feel that the Earth is sagging a bit lower in the sky today.}
Randy Pausch will probably be dead in as few as three months. Watch this news story on his final lecture at Carneige/Mellon.
And if that got your attention, you can watch the whole lecture by following the link on this page: http://www.etc.cmu.edu/global_news/?q=node/42.
I have to hope that people learn about Randy and aspire to emulate him. It's a complete shame that the world and especially his family is losing him.
-Randy Pausch
{Author's note: On July 24th, 2008, Randy Pausch passed away. Though he stressed that we should not mourn his passing, it is impossible to not feel that the Earth is sagging a bit lower in the sky today.}
Randy Pausch will probably be dead in as few as three months. Watch this news story on his final lecture at Carneige/Mellon.
And if that got your attention, you can watch the whole lecture by following the link on this page: http://www.etc.cmu.edu/global_news/?q=node/42.
I have to hope that people learn about Randy and aspire to emulate him. It's a complete shame that the world and especially his family is losing him.
It’s Not Cheating If You...
Many people wonder if their actions outside of a relationship could be considered as cheating. I have developed a list of acceptable discrepancies. Check to see if you are a cheater or someone with a very good excuse.
It’s not cheating if you…
...get a handjob from a lesbian.
...have sex with a second cousin.
...get a blowjob in a different country. (And yes, Canada and Mexico are different counties. The District of Columbia is not, but close enough.)
...are being videotaped. (I'd call that auditioning.)
...pay for sex. (That's called a transaction.)
...are about to die or possibly may die in the next 14 days.
...have sex with a paraplegic.
...are stuck in an elevator. (Hitting the EMERGENCY STOP button does not count.)
...are about to do a threesome and your camera skills are lacking.
...the person is on your laminated list.
...the person is really, really famous, but not on your laminated list.
...have sex at a strip club (That never happens.)
...have sex with an ex-spouse.
...have sex with your next spouse.
...are taking one for the team.
...have sex with a dead person. (It's disgusting, but not cheating. Unless the dead person is a relative. That's sick and you are a cheater.)
I hope that helps!
It’s not cheating if you…
...get a handjob from a lesbian.
...have sex with a second cousin.
...get a blowjob in a different country. (And yes, Canada and Mexico are different counties. The District of Columbia is not, but close enough.)
...are being videotaped. (I'd call that auditioning.)
...pay for sex. (That's called a transaction.)
...are about to die or possibly may die in the next 14 days.
...have sex with a paraplegic.
...are stuck in an elevator. (Hitting the EMERGENCY STOP button does not count.)
...are about to do a threesome and your camera skills are lacking.
...the person is on your laminated list.
...the person is really, really famous, but not on your laminated list.
...have sex at a strip club (That never happens.)
...have sex with an ex-spouse.
...have sex with your next spouse.
...are taking one for the team.
...have sex with a dead person. (It's disgusting, but not cheating. Unless the dead person is a relative. That's sick and you are a cheater.)
I hope that helps!
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