Here are a few items that every parent, pre-parent or misguided parent should know. Sorry Mom and Dad.
Parents love their children equally
Bottom line, one kid is always going to be better than the others for some unknown, visceral reason. Either because they were the first or have more personality or they are smarter than the others. Parents also seem to like the child that physically resembles them the most. I’m not saying there is a whole lot of difference in the amount of love, but that deep in the back of their minds, parents all ready have their “Sophie’s Choice” choice made up. If you are an only child, congrats. If you are adopted with natural brothers and sisters, you are screwed.
Parents check in to see how their child is sleeping
Parents “check in” on their kids every so often during nap or night time. As an outsider, you may think that it is simply to see if the child is awake. In actuality, it is to see if the kid is dead or not breathing. The relief gained from having a not-dead child is priceless.
Having two kids is twice as hard as having one kid
Sadly that's wrong. Here is the math:
-Having one child is like having one child
-Having two children is like having four children
-Having three kids is like having five kids
-Having four kids is like having two kids.
The complexity going from one kid to two is that you, as a parental team, have shared the responsibility of taking care of one kid. Once you have two, that whole little unwritten sharing contract is out the door. You now must put out four times the effort to manage the two kids. Once you have three kids, the ratio starts to go down. Four kids might as well be none because you can split them into two teams and pit them against each other. If you have five kids, obviously the other wives can help to take care of all the little darlings.
Scientific studies say that sugar actually does not make your child hyper
Wrong. Sugar does make your kid hyper and I don’t care what scientific studies say as I have seen the effects. Not only does it make them hyper during and after consumption, it makes them pre-hyper. If kids know about the existence of candy within a five mile radius, which they do, they will desire it. Because kids only know how to eat and how to crap, that candy will fill 90% of their reality. And their reality will be jumping up and down and screaming. They want it and that’s it. Once you give it to them, they want more. If you deny them, they will kid bitch and kid bitching sucks.
My child is advanced
Every parent believes that their kid is somehow smarter than other kids and they will share this information with you. Wrong. Your child is just as not-smart as the rest. They may be advanced in some area, but that's the only area the parent will focus on that one ability. Kids are only as smart as you let them be. I suggest a daily dose of brow beatings to drop of heavy load of self doubt on your kid. Self doubters work harder and make more money to take care of you later in life. Unless your little Einstein is reading and writing at age three, go sit down. If they are reading and writing at age three, my kid with low self esteem is going to beat them up.
Having kids ruins your sex life
Ok, you’ve got me on this one.
Showing posts with label list. Show all posts
Showing posts with label list. Show all posts
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
How to show up late to work, leave early and get away with it.
It’s easy to show up late to work and leave early if you follow these simple tips.
Computer On
Always leave your computer and monitor on. Disable the screen saver or make your screen saver a full sized image of an Excel spreadsheet. Make sure you keep several programs open. I know I’m going to Environmental Hell for this one, but a few dollars of electricity a week is totally worth the extra sleep you will get.
Clandestine Closet
You’ll need to find a closet near the front door or secret side door where you can hide “late” supplies and hang you jacket. I suggest keeping a stack of papers or some blue prints in there. When you slide in late, hang up your coat so that people don’t see you with your jacket on. Grab a stack of stuff and complain about the Gibson account to whomever you see.
Double Coats/Sweatshirts
When you leave work at night (or hopefully in the early afternoon) leave a spare jacket or sweatshirt on the back of your chair. Turn the chair slightly out as if you just stood up and plan to come back. If you’re leaving early, people will think you are coming back. If you are showing up late, people will think you’ve beaten them to the office and are at an early meeting.
Call Your Desk Phone and Hang Up After One Ring
If your co-workers hear your phone ringing off the hook, they will know you are not at your desk. When you leave early for the day, call in to your desk and hang up. With a subliminal one or two rings every twenty minutes, your boss will think you are answering calls and running errands. You multi-tasker you!
Office Pool
If you are just rolling in at 10:00am and need to trick your boss into thinking that you have been in the office all morning, utilize the Office Pool. Get a box top from some letterhead and throw whatever change and bills you have in it. Make sure you have a pen and piece of paper with writing on it (bonus points for a clipboard.) Pop in your boss’ office and tell him you are collecting money for Betty in Custodial’s pregnancy and that he is the last one on the list. Your boss will pretend like they know about Betty’s bastard child and wish her the best. “Check” his name off the list and say you will give your best to Betty. Spend boss’ cash later that afternoon at the bar with a toast to Betty’s soon-to-be-announced and soon-to-be-office-pool-money-collected miscarriage.
Copier Problems
Having a small bag of toner around can be useful for staging a “copier blow-up.” As you get into work, rub some on your face and sprinkle some on your hidden stash of papers. Make sure you ask if any one has seen the copier guy. You can spend hours searching for the right “Drum and Blade Kit.”
Trick Away E-mail
Your e-mail probably has an “away” setting in which a return e-mail message is sent out during times when you are on an actual vacation. I suggest creating a fake e-mail that makes it look like your e-mail was bounced back to the sender. Something like:
This is an automatically generated Delivery Status Notification.
Unable to deliver message to the following recipients {your e-mail address here}, because the message was forwarded more than the maximum allowed times. This could indicate a mail loop.
Change your settings so that this e-mail is sent out to every e-mail, every time. Make sure you invite the IT guy out to get drinks so that he has your back.
Faux Work Keys
You know all those keys you have in the kitchen drawer? Spend 99 cents on a package of colorful key organizational toppers and create a ring of keys that looks official. Leave them on your desk. If they get stolen, no problem! Otherwise, people will assume you are at the office and locked in a utility closet on the second floor.
The Call In
Ensure that on your desk is a red file marked “Princeton Account.” Fill it with some official bullshit paperwork. If you are running late, call in to your boss’ secretary and have them “look up” some information in that folder for a meeting you are at. Make sure you whisper in the phone like you just stepped out of said meeting. Also make sure there is a twenty dollar bill in the very back of it in case you need to bribe the secretary into reading the same bullshit document for the fourth time.
Full Cup of Coffee
No one, not even the laziest person, will leave a full cup of coffee at their desk. Take the top off your Starbucks so that the fullness is apparent. For the very clever, make a fake whipped topping with some insulation foam and white paint. Stick it on top the coffee for added effect. With that sitting on your desk, everyone stopping by will assume you have just stepped away.
Invite!
Quit being a chump and sneaking around the office! Invite everyone out for a 3:00pm drink at the local bar. Buy the first round. Be a hero. Then, fake a phone call from your sick aunt and get the hell away from your stuck up co-workers.
Computer On
Always leave your computer and monitor on. Disable the screen saver or make your screen saver a full sized image of an Excel spreadsheet. Make sure you keep several programs open. I know I’m going to Environmental Hell for this one, but a few dollars of electricity a week is totally worth the extra sleep you will get.
Clandestine Closet
You’ll need to find a closet near the front door or secret side door where you can hide “late” supplies and hang you jacket. I suggest keeping a stack of papers or some blue prints in there. When you slide in late, hang up your coat so that people don’t see you with your jacket on. Grab a stack of stuff and complain about the Gibson account to whomever you see.
Double Coats/Sweatshirts
When you leave work at night (or hopefully in the early afternoon) leave a spare jacket or sweatshirt on the back of your chair. Turn the chair slightly out as if you just stood up and plan to come back. If you’re leaving early, people will think you are coming back. If you are showing up late, people will think you’ve beaten them to the office and are at an early meeting.
Call Your Desk Phone and Hang Up After One Ring
If your co-workers hear your phone ringing off the hook, they will know you are not at your desk. When you leave early for the day, call in to your desk and hang up. With a subliminal one or two rings every twenty minutes, your boss will think you are answering calls and running errands. You multi-tasker you!
Office Pool
If you are just rolling in at 10:00am and need to trick your boss into thinking that you have been in the office all morning, utilize the Office Pool. Get a box top from some letterhead and throw whatever change and bills you have in it. Make sure you have a pen and piece of paper with writing on it (bonus points for a clipboard.) Pop in your boss’ office and tell him you are collecting money for Betty in Custodial’s pregnancy and that he is the last one on the list. Your boss will pretend like they know about Betty’s bastard child and wish her the best. “Check” his name off the list and say you will give your best to Betty. Spend boss’ cash later that afternoon at the bar with a toast to Betty’s soon-to-be-announced and soon-to-be-office-pool-money-collected miscarriage.
Copier Problems
Having a small bag of toner around can be useful for staging a “copier blow-up.” As you get into work, rub some on your face and sprinkle some on your hidden stash of papers. Make sure you ask if any one has seen the copier guy. You can spend hours searching for the right “Drum and Blade Kit.”
Trick Away E-mail
Your e-mail probably has an “away” setting in which a return e-mail message is sent out during times when you are on an actual vacation. I suggest creating a fake e-mail that makes it look like your e-mail was bounced back to the sender. Something like:
This is an automatically generated Delivery Status Notification.
Unable to deliver message to the following recipients {your e-mail address here}, because the message was forwarded more than the maximum allowed times. This could indicate a mail loop.
Change your settings so that this e-mail is sent out to every e-mail, every time. Make sure you invite the IT guy out to get drinks so that he has your back.
Faux Work Keys
You know all those keys you have in the kitchen drawer? Spend 99 cents on a package of colorful key organizational toppers and create a ring of keys that looks official. Leave them on your desk. If they get stolen, no problem! Otherwise, people will assume you are at the office and locked in a utility closet on the second floor.
The Call In
Ensure that on your desk is a red file marked “Princeton Account.” Fill it with some official bullshit paperwork. If you are running late, call in to your boss’ secretary and have them “look up” some information in that folder for a meeting you are at. Make sure you whisper in the phone like you just stepped out of said meeting. Also make sure there is a twenty dollar bill in the very back of it in case you need to bribe the secretary into reading the same bullshit document for the fourth time.
Full Cup of Coffee
No one, not even the laziest person, will leave a full cup of coffee at their desk. Take the top off your Starbucks so that the fullness is apparent. For the very clever, make a fake whipped topping with some insulation foam and white paint. Stick it on top the coffee for added effect. With that sitting on your desk, everyone stopping by will assume you have just stepped away.
Invite!
Quit being a chump and sneaking around the office! Invite everyone out for a 3:00pm drink at the local bar. Buy the first round. Be a hero. Then, fake a phone call from your sick aunt and get the hell away from your stuck up co-workers.
Monday, May 21, 2007
Spelling (Update 1)
A few months ago I posted a Spelling List of words that my guys in the field (and I) spelled horribly wrong in e-mails and reports. A smattering of those might have been typos, but a majority were just blatent misspellings.
Six months later, we have an update to that list. Here is page two:
My favorite is either stike or chash.
Six months later, we have an update to that list. Here is page two:
My favorite is either stike or chash.
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