Dear HolyJuan: Can I remain friends with a Trump voter?

Dear HolyJuan,
I just found out that my friend is going to vote for Donald Trump. I really like this person and I would like to remain friends with them, but, I mean… they are going to vote for Donald Trump.  Any advice?

Concerned Friend

Dear Concerned,
If there’s one thing I have, it’s advice. Except now.
There is no real good answer to this question because it really wasn’t a question.  Your only question was, “Any advice?” and I didn’t really even answer that question.
Let me turn your email into a question for you:

Dear HolyJuan,
Should I remain friends with my friend who is going to vote for Donald Trump?
Signed, Better Question Asking Concerned Friend

Dear Better Question Asking Concerned Friend,
The short answer is no. No, you cannot remain friends. Unfriend them from Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. Delete their email address. Rip up any photos. Avoid the same strip clubs you used to frequent together. Burn the digeridoo they gave you for your birthday. Format the area of your brain in which their memories are saved. Finally, delete the nudes from your phone that they accidentally sent you one drunken night and you never told them. One last look, then delete.

The longer answer is yes, of course you can still be friends. You can’t let silly things like political leanings ruin a friendship. Friends get through tough times. Friends have each other’s back, even when you start to doubt their sanity. You will still be friends… but you will be turd eating friends. What I mean by that is imagine that you caught your friend eating a turd… you accidently walk on them in the bathroom and they are knees down in front of the toilet with a turd half in their hand and half in their mouth, munching away. They turn and look at you, brown faced. You say you are sorry and back out. You never mention the turd eating again. You both pretend like it never happened… but it did. You saw it. And every time you look at that friend, you will think about the turd eating. About what kind of frame of mind they had to be in to eat a turd. About how many turds they’ve eaten since. And if they eat turds, what else will they eat? You will still be friends… but you are friends with a Trump voter. I mean, a turd eater.

Yes, you can remain friends with someone when they say they are going to vote for Trump. I just wouldn’t kiss them.



Capt. Schmoe said...

The Donald is not very Holy, Juan. But I'm still not voting for that bitch Hillary.

Anonymous said...

Let's create a bathroom sign with 72 icons on it, then consider ourselves the smart party.