Pick Five Music Videos You Would Send to the Universe


My co-worker posed a question the other day.  He asked, “If you had the opportunity to send five music videos into the cosmos in the hopes that some alien civilization would find and be able to watch them, what videos would they be?”

We spoke for a few minutes and set up some guidelines. The videos, in our opinion, would have to be ones that would give the alien race an overall sense of what music videos are, how they are and why MTV doesn't play them anymore. The popularity of the song or the artist(s) would not matter, just the video.

And somehow, it wasn't hard to pick.  I had about ten and then just had to narrow it down.

I'll list mine first with a little commentary. If Jeffrey has any comments, I can add those later. Feel free to drop your top five in the comments and your reasons why they should be sent into space.

Worlds Apart – Journey 
Worlds Apart is the quintessential music video. Full band playing invisible instruments. Lip syncing. Real emotion that is faked. Then real instruments. A girl who seems not to notice them. A wharf. This is the Rosetta Stone of music videos. 

Wires - RED FANG
This video is very instructional as it gives a step by step course on how to make a video. And they break shit because that is what rock is all about.

Sledgehammer – Peter Gabriel 
Sledgehammer takes the Worlds Apart Rosetta Stone and smashes it in front of the Golden Calf of the music industry. This is the best video ever.

Psycho Killer (From the Film “Stop Making Sense) - The Talking Heads 
David Byrne does not need to have his video shot into space, because he is God and can do it himself.  He'll get to it once the Earth is destroyed and he finds himself seeking entertainment on another ethereal plane. 

Jerk It – Thunderheist 
I have my reasons for liking this video.  You can read about them here.

Here are Jeffrey's videos. Not a bad collection to send our alien friends to be. 

Take on Me- aha


Thriller-Michael Jackson


Hot for Teacher- Van Halen


Fat- Weird Al 

OK, so to understand this one, the Aliens would need to know that this is a parody, so we are allowing a 4.5th video to go along and that would be:

Bad- Michael Jackson


Gin and Juice-Snoop Dog and Dr. Dre



Don't Drink That Coffee

This was a play I wrote in 2012. For a few reasons that were not anyone's fault, it was never produced.  Here is a 1st draft of a time traveling love story:


DON'T DRINK THAT COFFEE

At RISE:                                                           
(Lights up on an office break room.  Coffee machine with cups, creamer, sugar and napkins. A table with a chair. A “refrigerator” is plugged into the wall.)



BOB enters with a thick stack of papers and carefully sets them down on the table.  He goes and makes some black coffee. Just as he is about to drink it, Future Time Man FUTURE BOB pops out of the refrigerator.

FUTURE BOB
Don’t drink that coffee!

BOB
What?

FUTURE BOB
Don’t. Drink. That. Coffee.

BOB
Who are you? What are you doing in the break room?

FUTURE BOB
I can’t tell you.

BOB
If you don’t tell me, I’ll drink this coffee.

FUTURE BOB
You’ve got me there.

BOB
(Starts to put coffee to mouth.)

FUTURE BOB
Ok! Ok!  It’s breaking the rules, but if it will keep you from drinking it…. I am you. You, 10 years in the future.

BOB
You look nothing like me.


FUTURE BOB
In the future, science has made it possible that so that fat, short ugly people can change their weight, height and looks.

BOB
What are you insinuating?

FUTURE BOB
Gestures at BOB as is to say, “have you looked at yourself recently?”
Well…

BOB
In the future, does everyone wear Nickelback t-shirts?

FUTURE BOB
No, this is my camouflage for this time period. In the future, Nickelback doesn't exist. They were scrubbed from time.

BOB
The future is sounding pretty good.

FUTURE BOB
No, it’s not.  That’s why I came back here.

BOB
In a refrigerator?

FUTURE BOB
Something to do with the electrical field that cooling compressor puts out. 

BOB
I still don’t believe that you are me or that you are from the future. In every book I've read, the time traveler reveals secrets about his past self.

FUTURE BOB
I don’t really read books.

BOB
I don’t either. That was a test.

FUTURE BOB
Well, I know we both have watched movies about time travel, so go ahead. Ask me anything.


BOB
I… we, were at a party last night.  What did we do?


FUTURE BOB
Dude. I don’t remember what happened at that party.

BOB
Neither do I, I was hoping you could fill in the blanks.

FUTURE BOB
OK. How about this…You love unshelled peanuts…

BOB
Everyone knows that.

FUTURE BOB
… and you stuff them in your nose when you are alone.

BOB
Not everyone knows that.

FUTURE BOB
You cry during most every Cure song.

BOB
That’s a lie…

FUTURE BOB
 Singing
Standing on that dizzy edge I kissed her face…

They both start crying.

BOB
OK, stop.  Stop!  Here’s one no one but me and a future me would ever ever ever know…

FUTURE BOB
In a cow’s butt.

BOB
Oh my god you are me.

FUTURE BOB
Yes.

BOB
Christ…

starts to drink the coffee

FUTURE BOB
Stop that!

BOB
Sorry.  So, what does this coffee have to do with the future?

FUTURE BOB
What they told me is that when we… you try to take that first drink off coffee, you spill it on yourself and that sets up a series of events that creates a horrific future, my present. If we can keep that coffee off your shirt, we think that a new future will open up.

BOB
Well, hasn’t the future already changed by you showing up here?

FUTURE BOB
Not necessarily.  You see, the future is like a series of diverging paths.  But those paths can all come back together when an event pulls them back in.

BOB
What?

FUTURE BOB
Think of it like two stop lights.  You’re at a light with a bunch of other cars behind you and a soon as it turns green you race forward. But the next light is a long red light. And so you sit there and all the other cars catch up. Go slow. Go fast. No matter what you do, that light takes all those possible futures and reigns them back in.

BOB
What if I run the red light?

FUTURE BOB
Yes!

This scares BOB and he almost spills the coffee on himself.

FUTURE BOB
Moves through the steps as he speaks them
Sorry. Right now, we are in between those two stop lights.  If I remember correctly, the spill happened after I got the coffee and sat here to review this presentation.

spills the coffee on himself
Kinda like that.

BOB
So what is so terrible about this future?

FUTURE BOB
That, I cannot tell you.

BOB
(Threatens to spill on himself.)
Spill, spill, spill!

FUTURE BOB
No, I can’t. My memory has been blocked.  I cannot remember anything past about an hour from now plus anything they told me before I left. It’s all hazy. I just remember the regret…

BOB
That’s stupid.  How are you supposed to convince me to do something without some specific dire threat?  Am I the father of the next Hitler? Do I invent some horrible weapon?

FUTURE BOB
 You make up paint color names for a living. I don’t think the guy who created a color called “Cotton Candy Sea Foam” is going to make a doomsday weapon.

BOB
You try and make a name for something that is pink and green.

FUTURE BOB
I did.  I called it “Cotton Candy Sea Foam.”

BOB
Look I…

A woman walks out of the refrigerator.

(BOB and FUTURE BOB together)
Who are you?

FUTURE BOB AS A WOMAN
I’m you and you.

(BOB and FUTURE BOB together)
But you’re a…

FUTURE BOB AS A WOMAN
Yes, in the future it’s much easier to change your looks and get a sex change.

FUTURE BOB
How do I, we know…

FUTURE BOB AS A WOMAN
Cow’s butt.

They both shrug.

BOB
You look familiar? Like someone I work with.

FUTURE BOB AS A WOMAN
Yes, Lisa… that’s a long story of regret and lost opportunity…

FUTURE BOB
That’s right! That’s the last memory I have is running into her outside this door…

FUTURE BOB AS A WOMAN
Look. We screwed up.  We sent you back in time to stop you from spilling the coffee. But that didn’t fix anything .  It made them worse.

BOB
So what am I do to?

FUTURE BOB AS A WOMAN
First, you, get back in the time machine. You are done here.

FUTURE BOB
See you buddy! Hey, Future me as a woman… if things don’t work out here, you know when to find me.

FUTURE BOB steps into the refrigerator.

BOB
Future me is fucked up.

FUTURE BOB AS A WOMAN
I know. That’s why I’m here.  Now, carefully. Add one creamer.

BOB
You’re kidding. How is this…

FUTURE BOB AS A WOMAN
Add the creamer!!

He pours in the creamer.
FUTURE BOB comes out of the time machine disheveled and panicked.

FUTURE BOB
Oh GOD it’s terrible! The future! Use two creamers!
He runs back in the time machine.

FUTURE BOB AS A WOMAN
Try two creamers.
BOB pours in a second creamer.  FUTURE BOB comes out of the refrigerator acting completely feminine with a boa.

FUTURE BOB
The future is fabulous!
FUTURE BOB Returns back in the machine.

FUTURE BOB AS A WOMAN
Um, try adding a sugar.

BOB
Am I supposed to drink this?

FUTURE BOB AS A WOMAN
Just do it.
No one comes out of the refrigerator.
There… I think that did it.  Now. Go to your meeting. Give your report. Drink the whole coffee.

FUTURE BOB comes out in a robot mask and in a robot voice.
FUTURE BOB
DRINK ONLY HALF!
FUTURE BOB goes back in the refrigerator.

FUTURE BOB AS A WOMAN
…drink only half
Both look at the machine and nothing comes out.

FUTURE BOB AS A WOMAN
Good-bye past life me. I hope things work out for you. Us.

She steps in the time machine and is gone.
BOB takes the coffee and picks up the report and thinks for a moment.  He goes to the refrigerator and unplugs it.  He then puts his creamer/sugar coffee back and pours a cup of black.  On the way to the door, he purposefully spills it on himself. Just then, LISA walks in.

LISA
Oh! You’ve got coffee all over you. Here…
She wipes it up a bit with a napkin.
LISA
There.
Their eyes meet for a moment and there is almost a something, but then it is gone and LISA begins to walk off and so does BOB. BOB turns around after a moment of hesitation.

BOB
Hey… you… um… you want to do something tonight?
LISA
Um, OK. Coffee?

BOB
Sure. It’s on me! Oh, God I can’t believe I just said that…

LISA
You’re funny. I like that. Pick me up at 6:30.

They walk off.

(Lights down.)


Melt Bar and Grilled: A Review

Miss Sally and I heard testimonials from several people about a new restaurant in Columbus called Melt: Bar andGrilled so we decided to check it out. 

We went on Saturday night around 9:00 p.m. and the place was hopping.  The hostess said the wait would be about 90 minutes and she had us dig through a pumpkin head for a name tag.  I got one that said, “Shut the front door.” We were to stick the nametag in a very visible place as the hostess would be around later to find us when our seat came up. She said that the bar was full service, so that if we could find seats, we could eat there. So we went up to the bar to get beers.

The decor was nice. Fun light fixtures. TVs at the bar. Pop culture icons drawn on the walls. The place was packed, but they seemed to handle the crowds and we got beers quickly. Their beer menu is impressive, though we they did list the Blonde Bombshell Ale as a hefeweizen, so that was an interesting surprise on the first drink.  It was good enough that we didn't send it back.

After about 15 minutes, two seats at the bar did open up and we ordered. The menus are stuck to the back of album covers so they are giant squares that don’t live well on a bar, but the folks at the bar are quick to distribute them and as quick to spirit them away.  The menu offered some great looking deep fried snacks and the soups looked awesome.  We decided to skip the food foreplay and get sandwiches. In the end, I think what the chef that developed menu did was take the menu from another restaurant and then add thick slices of bread and cheese.  While there are some classic sandwiches like the Monte Crisco and the Cheeses Steak, I really wonder if there isn’t any meal in the world that you just can’t cram between two slabs of bread with cheese and call it a melt. I’m not complaining. I’m just waiting for the Big Mac Melt which is a Big Mac with Pepper jack between two wedges of sourdough.

In the end, I got bacon egg and cheese, called the Wake & Bacon and Miss Sally got the Purple Parma which is eggplant parmesan between two Stonehenge sized slices of bread.

My sandwich was exactly as expected with plenty of bacon and eggs cooked to order. The cheese seemed a bit processed as it was more sauce that it was gooey cheese, but it was still delicious. If you ever order this sandwich, substitute the “American Cheese” for something else.  Miss Sally's sandwich was a tank of eggplant.  Two generous slices of deep fried eggplant with parmesan and hint of marinara.  It was about 3" tall and impossible to eat as a sandwich.  The eggplant was cooked perfectly, which is difficult at times for some restaurants, but two slices was over doing it.  Add to that that the bread is 3/4" thick on both ends and she wound up eating it with a fork and knife.  She was hoping for a bit more gooey cheese and marinara.   In the end, it was a bit dry as the bread and breading absorbed any moisture. Pro-Tip: Ask for extra marinara on the side and eat it open faced.

The fries were tasty and they were the kind that went well with malt vinegar, which they had on the bar.  I did get the tail end of a batch of fries so I had a lot of bits and pieces of fried tips in my order. That didn't matter because I only was able to dig into to about half the fires before I tapped out.

There was bread pudding on the menu, but we were overwhelmed with food and unable to order it. Forgive me.

We got to-go boxes and used a fork lift to lower the left overs into the containers. I heated up my sandwich this morning and it still tasted great outside of the American goo on it.

We made it out with three beers and two sandwiches for about $35, which is a great deal.

We were completely bothered by their cutesy name tag business.  There was constantly someone walking through the bar yelling out, “I’m looking for Groovy Baby” or “Is there a Green Ranger” or “Where’s Waldo?”  Most people were not paying attention and because they weren’t calling out real names, it was a huge disconnect. I’m sure the people that work there absolutely hate this.

Overall, it was a nice experience. The food was decent, the beer list was impressive and the service was snappy, helpful and polite. I highly recommend that you check the place out at least once. I think the menu is just deep enough that you can wade in and find something you’ll like. Just don’t be afraid to custom order or make substitutions. 

Melt Bar and Grilled has four locations in the Cleveland area and one in Columbus.

The List of Things I Have Not Said On Facebook

Just like you, I am on Facebook. And also just like you, I have stupid friends who leave inane status updates that I would love to reply to and cannot because we probably wouldn't be friends anymore. Maybe that would be a good thing. Here is a list of things I have not said on Facebook in reply to my friends:

I am too short to ride your emotional roller coaster.

Your cause sucks.

No. You are nothing like any of the characters from Disney.

Your diet is a pyramid scheme.

Please fight with your husband at home.

You just ran eight miles? My ass you did.

Of course you want a drink… you are an alcoholic.

Just get a new cat.

Now there are 24 more things about you I didn't want to know.

Fucking read snopes.com before you post that shit. Idiot!

Your job does suck and your boss reads your FB page.

Yes, you are that guy.

Thanks! I was going to look outside to see that the weather was shitty, but now I’ll find something else to do.

I thought you were a racist before and now I know. Thanks for the clarification.

You are not 18 anymore. Nor are you 26 or even 35. Just quit it.

You have no idea what feckless means.

I am thankful that the 30 days of this are up.

Holy crap, I think I can see your tits in that photo.

That tattoo looks like complete shit.

Third time's a charm, dumbass.