Baby Borg

Baby Borg wants to assimilate your living room floor. Photo by @mike_denison.

Hobo Egg

Here at the HolyJuan house, the only way to get our kids to eat eggs is to make Hobo Eggs for them. I'm sure it's because it is cool looking and interactive.  Here's how we do it:

Ingredients:
Slice of bread
Butter
Egg

Tools:
Knife
Plate
Frying pan
Spataula
Narrow glass

Grab a slice of bread and put it on a plate:

Butter it, one side only:

If you try to butter both sides, you'll get most the butter sticking to the plate.  Just butter one side.

Now, get your narrow glass. Make sure it doesn't breach the crust or you will have a broken dam egg situation.  A shot glass is too small. A tumbler is too big.  I suggest a Star Wars glass. "Egg or egg not, there is no egg beaters.":

Now, force the glass down through the bread to create a tiny bread circle:

Now, go back in time and put your frying pan on the stove on medium heat.  Good! Now, drop a dollop of butter in the pan and wait for it to melt. Drop the circle of bread on it butter side up:

Now do the same with the bread. Get enough butter in the pan to make a bread sized pool of melted butter and drop your big slice of bread on it butter side up:

I usually add a little more butter in the middle, just to make sure:

Now, add the egg. Crack it first:

Flip both:

Make sure you don't cook the yolk all the way though so the small round piece can be used for dipping:

And that is how you make a Hobo Egg!

Next week, Pressed Duck.

The Saddest Spoon OR Beloved Silverware Found

My co-worker, Hugh, found this spoon below at the Goodwill Store. (Side Story - We have a project that requires a large amount of spoons and he went to the Goodwill to buy them. As he was checking out with every spoon in the store, the lady said, "You can't buy all these spoons." Hugh asked why. She said, "Because then we won't have any spoons if someone else wants to buy them." In the end, he lied and said he was buying them for an old folks home kitchen and she bought it, so he bought the spoons.)
The bottom of the handle has a small hole for mounting or possibly a necklace.
The spoon is engraved, "Susie, Will You Marry Me?" along with the date in 2012.




The backside says, "To my First, Last and Only True Love"


I see two scenarios: 

Scenario One: This poor schmuck asked Susie to marry him and she said, "No way, spoon boy."  He then gave the spoon to Goodwill in the hopes to write off his misery on his taxes."

Scenario Two: Susie said , "Yes," but that when they moved in together the spoon was lost when they gave away all their worldly possessions, because with this kind of spoon loves, they only need each other and this piece of silverware.  So if you know the owners, let me know and we can try to get it back to them.

I really hope it is scenario two.

Jury Duty - By Tom Lynch

Tom Lynch (@DIGcomic  on Twiiter) heard I was going to be on jury duty next week and created this drawing. I absolutely love it.

July 30th is Annual Update You Laminated List Day

I think everyone is aware that July 30th is the Annual Update Your Laminated List Day!

As you all know, a laminated list is the three famous people with whom your spouse/significant other will allow you to have sex with, if ever the opportunity presents itself. If you happen to run into one of your three famous people and they are drunk enough to let you jump in the sack / couch / Robert Downey Jr.'s limo with you, then you have permission to have guilt free sex with any one of the three people on that list.

This year, I have done an almost complete revamp of my list.  I tried to avoid being extremely creepy, so this list is just mostly creepy.

1.  Christina Ricci (Not sure she will ever leave the list)

2.  Milana Vayntrub (She’s the AT&T girl and my crushy crush.)

3.  Kat Dennings (I think she would break me in the sack.)

Let's hear what your three picks are!

Father's Day Gift Tips


What NOT TO GET your dad for Father’s Day
1. Soap on a Rope (unless he’s in jail)
2. The DNA test (let’s just keep that between Mom and the Fed-Ex guy)
3. Anything with the word “soy” in it.
4. Used scaffolding
5. Beer in amounts more than 39 ounces
6. Rocking chair
7. Old Spice
8. Elvis anything
9. Chalk or anything that is written on with chalk
10. Lie detector

What TO GET your dad for Father’s Day
1. Carbide
2. Link to website on how to delete internet history/cookies.
3. A tie (it’s back in this year)
4. Bacon, 10 pounds (raw or cooked)
5. Anything that starts with Nintendo, has Station in the middle or ends with Box.
6. Salted anything
7. Bribe money
8. Boxed wine
9. Dashboard hula girl
10. “How to Pass a Lie Detector Test” book/pamphlet

Universe Egg

We tried mixing all the colors of the dyes to make black and we got this instead.

Very Lucky

I wrote a play for MadLab's 3 in 30: Lucky show. In the end, the director and I decided to cut out the mime parts. It was too distracting from the two actors and really didn't add anything to the show.  Some of the lines were modified as well because part of the mime's job was to constantly have harder and harder death scenes to act out.

Here is the script. Sorry about the formatting:



At RISE:                                                        

ACE sits in a chair facing stage right.  An empty seat is in front of him and also behind him.  A COP walks in with MAN IN BLACK LEOTARDS and sits him facing away from ACE.

COP
Sit here and wait until you are called.

The MAN IN BLACK LEOTARDS does a “tip of the hat and a bow” to the COP. The COP shakes his head and walks off.

DR. DUNN walks in wearing a suit jacket.

DR. DUNN
Hello Mr. Clover. I'm Paul Dunn. I work for the county as a… helper.

ACE
You mean psychologist?

DR. DUNN
That sounds so formal, Mr. Clover.  If you want formality, you can call me Dr. Dunn.

ACE
Hello Dr. Dunn. Please, call me Ace.

DR. DUNN
You know, Ace, it usually it takes about six hours to get a doctor over here to the station. But I had one client get sick and another escape so my entire morning was open.

ACE
Yes. Lucky me.

DR. DUNN
It gave me time to take a nice relaxing walk in the park all alone to gather my thoughts.

ACE
It’s good to be alone sometimes…

DR. DUNN
So, I'm here because you have refused to get a lawyer, you won’t answer any questions and yet you aren’t requesting to leave. They think you are traumatized. They want to know if you are capable of even answering questions.

ACE
So basically they want to know if I’m crazy.

DR. DUNN
Well, to be honest, yes.

ACE
Do I get to look at the ink splotches? I love those tests.

DR. DUNN
No. We are just going to talk. I'll write down some notes. Then I'll talk to the judge and see if we can't.. oh crap...my favorite pen is broken... AND LEAKING! All over my papers!

(Dr. Dunn stands up and wipes ink from his hands and reveals an ink splotch on the paper.)

ACE
I see a knife stuck in someone’s back.

DR. DUNN
What?

ACE
The ink blot test... on your paper.. a knife. In someone’s back.

DR. DUNN
Oh, I see it now.

ACE
Here, you can borrow my pen.


DR. DUNN
Thanks. Wow, that’s a weird looking pen. So, why won't you get a lawyer?

ACE
I don't need one.

DR. DUNN
You could be in some very big trouble here.  You were found standing over that bleeding woman. She's in a coma and it’s not looking good.

ACE
I called 911. That’s more than just standing over her.

DR. DUNN
There were no other witnesses. You seem guilty because you won’t talk.



ACE
In the end, they’ll find me innocent. They want me here for questions and I don’t need to answer them just yet. I’ll talk soon enough. I’m sure things will turn in my favor. They always do. I’m very lucky.

DR. DUNN
Being lucky means capitalizing on random opportunities. Nothing more.

ACE
Not for me.

DR. DUNN
What do you mean?

ACE
I’m lucky.  Good things happen to me.

DR. DUNN
You’re not lucky right now.

ACE
My luck will turn.

DR. DUNN
Some people are good observers. Lucky people find a $20 bill on the ground because they notice it when so-called unlucky person doesn’t.

ACE
No. It’s more than that. I’ve been lucky my whole life… but the people around me… they’ve been unlucky. It’s as if my luck is only based on the misfortune of others.


 DR. DUNN
(writing and speaking to himself)
Over-inflated sense of ego…

ACE
It’s not that. It’s… it’s luck! The worst kind of lucky.

DR. DUNN
It’s coincidence.

(When ACE speaks about the individual scenarios, the MAN IN BLACK LEOTARDS
acts them out.)

ACE
I used to think that. When I was 8, I wanted the neighbor’s bike. He had an accident when the brakes failed and was paralyzed. His parents gave me the bike.

(MAN IN BLACK LEOTARDS Hit by car pantomime.)

DR. DUNN
That’s more unfortunate for him than it was lucky for you.

ACE
At 12, I was the worst kid on the baseball team. We made it to the playoffs and both teams’ Gatorade made everyone but me sick. The coach had no choice but to put me in. The pitcher couldn’t throw strikes. I got hit by a pitch and the puking runner on third threw up all the way home for the winning run.

(MAN IN BLACK LEOTARDS Sick, baseball, puking pantomime.)

DR. DUNN
That’s just gross.


ACE
At 16 I wanted a car. I found $5000 in the street. No one claimed the money, but later we found out it was dropped when a man was shoved into traffic while leaving the bank.

(MAN IN BLACK LEOTARDS counting money, pushed in traffic pantomime.)

DR. DUNN
Everyone gets lucky.  Look, I found this gold coin I found in the park this morning.

ACE
I’m different.

DR. DUNN
Ace… do you know about Indian rain dances?

ACE
Sure. Indians dance and then it rains.

DR. DUNN
Sure. But did you know that they work 100% of the time?

ACE
Now that’s impossible. Dancing doesn’t make it rain.

DR. DUNN
The way a rain dance works is that they dance until it does rain. It’s got to rain some time. They just dance until it does. When it does, they give credit to the dancing.

ACE
What’s that have to do with me?

DR. DUNN
You probably wish for 100 things a day. When something does happen for you, you forget the 99 other wishes and remember the one.  You just keep wishing for things and when something does randomly fall in your lap, you blame luck.

ACE
I don’t sit around wishing all day. As a matter of fact, I spend a lot of time trying not to wish for anything so that the people around me aren’t hurt. I only wish when I really need to use it. When I feel like my back is against a wall.

DR. DUNN
So now you are a superhero with superpowers?

ACE
At 23, I was poor, out of work airplane mechanic and in love with a woman who was in love with my best friend.  I loved her with all my heart. One day I wished we could be together. He was killed in an industrial accident when he fell down a set of stairs, was impaled on a set of decorative spears and then fell in a pit of acid.  She collected from a huge lawsuit and I was there to help her through her grief.

(MAN IN BLACK LEOTARDS falls down stairs, is impaled by spears and falls in acid. Then, man giving woman hug pantomime.)

DR. DUNN
That’s a complete and horrible coincidence.

ACE
If I wish for something hard enough, I’ll get it.

DR. DUNN
Still… it could all be random chance. Couldn’t  it?

ACE
Her parents didn’t bless our relationship. They said they would do everything they could to keep us apart.  I wished they could see things in a different way. As luck would have it, they died in a small plane crash and we were able to marry.

(MAN IN BLACK LEOTARDS Horrible plane crash pantomime.)

DR. DUNN
You are beginning to scare me.

ACE
And now, in a hospital across town, she is dying.  She needs a full liver, kidney and heart transplant.  We have the money to pay for it, but not the organs.

  DR. DUNN
I’m sorry to hear that.

ACE
Worse yet, she has a very rare blood type.

DR. DUNN
It seems your luck has now completely run out.

ACE
Well. You see… this morning I made a wish.

DR. DUNN
What are you saying?

ACE
I wished that my wife would get better. That she would be able to get the transplant.

DR. DUNN
The stabbed woman?

ACE
The woman who was stabbed… If I’m very lucky, she’ll die and be a donor with my wife’s extremely rare blood type.

DR. DUNN
That’s impossible.

ACE
It’s highly improbable.

DR. DUNN
You… you murdered her!

ACE
It was some other guy. As a matter of fact, from a distance, he looked a lot like you.

DR. DUNN
What?

ACE
Yes. Someone with your looks. Now as I recall, now as the trauma has dissipated,  I seem to remember him stabbing her in the neck. Maybe with a pen.


DR. DUNN
They won’t believe you. I have an alibi… I was…


ACE
As luck you would have it, you were walking in the park alone this morning. With no witnesses. Except an off duty mime that saw you from afar…

DR. DUNN
No!


ACE
And I’m guessing that woman was a rare coin collector and that she is missing a rare gold coin.

DR. DUNN
You are insane! That’s crazy.

ACE
Is it?


The COP walks it and speaks to the MAN IN BLACK LEOTARDS

                                                                        COP
Alright, pal. Time to look at photos and see if you can pick out the man you saw stab the woman.

The MAN IN BLACK LEOTARDS beings pointing to the two other men and miming a stabbing motion.

COP
That’s him?

The MAN IN BLACK LEOTARDS nods and the COP walks over to the two.

COP
That pen! It matches the wound on her neck!

DR. DUNN
It’s not mine! It’s his!

(The cop reaches in DR. DUNN’s jacket pocket.)

COP
The missing gold coin. You’re coming with me, murderer.

(The COP drags him off. The MAN IN BLACK LEOTARDS follows making hanging pantomimes.)

DR. DUNN
No! It was him. He set this all up. He did it. He’s the one! He’s….. he’s….

ACE
Very lucky.
THE END

Pick Five Music Videos You Would Send to the Universe


My co-worker posed a question the other day.  He asked, “If you had the opportunity to send five music videos into the cosmos in the hopes that some alien civilization would find and be able to watch them, what videos would they be?”

We spoke for a few minutes and set up some guidelines. The videos, in our opinion, would have to be ones that would give the alien race an overall sense of what music videos are, how they are and why MTV doesn't play them anymore. The popularity of the song or the artist(s) would not matter, just the video.

And somehow, it wasn't hard to pick.  I had about ten and then just had to narrow it down.

I'll list mine first with a little commentary. If Jeffrey has any comments, I can add those later. Feel free to drop your top five in the comments and your reasons why they should be sent into space.

Worlds Apart – Journey 
Worlds Apart is the quintessential music video. Full band playing invisible instruments. Lip syncing. Real emotion that is faked. Then real instruments. A girl who seems not to notice them. A wharf. This is the Rosetta Stone of music videos. 

Wires - RED FANG
This video is very instructional as it gives a step by step course on how to make a video. And they break shit because that is what rock is all about.

Sledgehammer – Peter Gabriel 
Sledgehammer takes the Worlds Apart Rosetta Stone and smashes it in front of the Golden Calf of the music industry. This is the best video ever.

Psycho Killer (From the Film “Stop Making Sense) - The Talking Heads 
David Byrne does not need to have his video shot into space, because he is God and can do it himself.  He'll get to it once the Earth is destroyed and he finds himself seeking entertainment on another ethereal plane. 

Jerk It – Thunderheist 
I have my reasons for liking this video.  You can read about them here.

Here are Jeffrey's videos. Not a bad collection to send our alien friends to be. 

Take on Me- aha


Thriller-Michael Jackson


Hot for Teacher- Van Halen


Fat- Weird Al 

OK, so to understand this one, the Aliens would need to know that this is a parody, so we are allowing a 4.5th video to go along and that would be:

Bad- Michael Jackson


Gin and Juice-Snoop Dog and Dr. Dre



Melt Bar and Grilled: A Review

Miss Sally and I heard testimonials from several people about a new restaurant in Columbus called Melt: Bar andGrilled so we decided to check it out. 

We went on Saturday night around 9:00 p.m. and the place was hopping.  The hostess said the wait would be about 90 minutes and she had us dig through a pumpkin head for a name tag.  I got one that said, “Shut the front door.” We were to stick the nametag in a very visible place as the hostess would be around later to find us when our seat came up. She said that the bar was full service, so that if we could find seats, we could eat there. So we went up to the bar to get beers.

The decor was nice. Fun light fixtures. TVs at the bar. Pop culture icons drawn on the walls. The place was packed, but they seemed to handle the crowds and we got beers quickly. Their beer menu is impressive, though we they did list the Blonde Bombshell Ale as a hefeweizen, so that was an interesting surprise on the first drink.  It was good enough that we didn't send it back.

After about 15 minutes, two seats at the bar did open up and we ordered. The menus are stuck to the back of album covers so they are giant squares that don’t live well on a bar, but the folks at the bar are quick to distribute them and as quick to spirit them away.  The menu offered some great looking deep fried snacks and the soups looked awesome.  We decided to skip the food foreplay and get sandwiches. In the end, I think what the chef that developed menu did was take the menu from another restaurant and then add thick slices of bread and cheese.  While there are some classic sandwiches like the Monte Crisco and the Cheeses Steak, I really wonder if there isn’t any meal in the world that you just can’t cram between two slabs of bread with cheese and call it a melt. I’m not complaining. I’m just waiting for the Big Mac Melt which is a Big Mac with Pepper jack between two wedges of sourdough.

In the end, I got bacon egg and cheese, called the Wake & Bacon and Miss Sally got the Purple Parma which is eggplant parmesan between two Stonehenge sized slices of bread.

My sandwich was exactly as expected with plenty of bacon and eggs cooked to order. The cheese seemed a bit processed as it was more sauce that it was gooey cheese, but it was still delicious. If you ever order this sandwich, substitute the “American Cheese” for something else.  Miss Sally's sandwich was a tank of eggplant.  Two generous slices of deep fried eggplant with parmesan and hint of marinara.  It was about 3" tall and impossible to eat as a sandwich.  The eggplant was cooked perfectly, which is difficult at times for some restaurants, but two slices was over doing it.  Add to that that the bread is 3/4" thick on both ends and she wound up eating it with a fork and knife.  She was hoping for a bit more gooey cheese and marinara.   In the end, it was a bit dry as the bread and breading absorbed any moisture. Pro-Tip: Ask for extra marinara on the side and eat it open faced.

The fries were tasty and they were the kind that went well with malt vinegar, which they had on the bar.  I did get the tail end of a batch of fries so I had a lot of bits and pieces of fried tips in my order. That didn't matter because I only was able to dig into to about half the fires before I tapped out.

There was bread pudding on the menu, but we were overwhelmed with food and unable to order it. Forgive me.

We got to-go boxes and used a fork lift to lower the left overs into the containers. I heated up my sandwich this morning and it still tasted great outside of the American goo on it.

We made it out with three beers and two sandwiches for about $35, which is a great deal.

We were completely bothered by their cutesy name tag business.  There was constantly someone walking through the bar yelling out, “I’m looking for Groovy Baby” or “Is there a Green Ranger” or “Where’s Waldo?”  Most people were not paying attention and because they weren’t calling out real names, it was a huge disconnect. I’m sure the people that work there absolutely hate this.

Overall, it was a nice experience. The food was decent, the beer list was impressive and the service was snappy, helpful and polite. I highly recommend that you check the place out at least once. I think the menu is just deep enough that you can wade in and find something you’ll like. Just don’t be afraid to custom order or make substitutions. 

Melt Bar and Grilled has four locations in the Cleveland area and one in Columbus.

The List of Things I Have Not Said On Facebook

Just like you, I am on Facebook. And also just like you, I have stupid friends who leave inane status updates that I would love to reply to and cannot because we probably wouldn't be friends anymore. Maybe that would be a good thing. Here is a list of things I have not said on Facebook in reply to my friends:

I am too short to ride your emotional roller coaster.

Your cause sucks.

No. You are nothing like any of the characters from Disney.

Your diet is a pyramid scheme.

Please fight with your husband at home.

You just ran eight miles? My ass you did.

Of course you want a drink… you are an alcoholic.

Just get a new cat.

Now there are 24 more things about you I didn't want to know.

Fucking read snopes.com before you post that shit. Idiot!

Your job does suck and your boss reads your FB page.

Yes, you are that guy.

Thanks! I was going to look outside to see that the weather was shitty, but now I’ll find something else to do.

I thought you were a racist before and now I know. Thanks for the clarification.

You are not 18 anymore. Nor are you 26 or even 35. Just quit it.

You have no idea what feckless means.

I am thankful that the 30 days of this are up.

Holy crap, I think I can see your tits in that photo.

That tattoo looks like complete shit.

Third time's a charm, dumbass.