What Happens After the First Forecast for Snow


Calendar by BƎCK featuring Fake Dispatch

I write a Twitter account called Fake Dispatch. And there's a cartoonist named BƎCK that will take Tweets and turn them into cartoons/comics. You can see some of his work at this link: http://en.schneeschnee.de/daily/ . I think he's used about four of my Tweets to make cartoons.

A few weeks ago, BƎCK shared with me that one of my Tweets made his 2014 calendar. He then asked for my address and shipped me a copy for free! Click on any photo to embiggen.
Envelope front and back


The contents! Very nicely wrapped calendar with a postcard

Postcard back
Pink post-it with a message
Front of the calendar
I got to be January! 


Names of all the Tweeters who were in the calendar.

 It was an honor to be included in the calendar and I appreciate BƎCK sending me a copy. I assume the shipping was more than the calendar and so from the dark recesses of my heart I say to you, thanks!

You can check out the calendar and the other months here:http://beckcartoons2us.bigcartel.com/product/2014-cartoon-calendar. You should buy one of these so that BƎCK can continue to make more calendars and ship them to me.

Religious Backlash against saying “Turkey Day” instead of “Thanksgiving”

COLUMBUS, OH (FD)– Joyce Withers stands outside the Kroger’s grocery store in the 43 degree weather with her three year old grasping on to her leg. The sign Mrs. Withers holds reads, “Thanksgiving: Thanks to Jesus.” Her daughter’s sign, which is lying forgotten against a row of carts reads, “It’s not Turkey Day, Give Thanksgiving to the Lord!”

Mrs. Withers is part of a growing group of religious devotees that believe Thanksgiving is losing its religious focus. “Saying Turkey Day is just as bad as saying X-Mas or Bunny Day. It’s downright evil.” She and hundreds of others plan continued protest today across the United States and Texas.

As many are aware, the Pilgrims sought religious freedoms when they came to America. Miss Wither’s explains, “The dinner with the Indians was a lot like the Last Supper. Bread was broken in the name of the Lord. Now days we celebrate in a similar way: The Turkey represents God. Jesus is the gravy and the Holy Spirit is the stuffing. I like the Holy Spirit part the best. Especially when it is cooked inside God.”

Mrs. Wither’s plans on protesting up until Turkey Day. “We’ll be here through that Thursday night and then we go and stand in line at the Wal-Mart so that we can get in on the early morning sales for Christmas.”

Churches Running Out of Clever Sign Slogans

COLUMBUS, OH - The National League of Churches convened an emergency meeting this past Monday to discuss the scarcity of new, clever church sign messages. Head Writer and Deacon Paul Sims scratched at a sheet of paper attempting to resurrect some of his earlier gems, but to no avail.

“Ever since Pastor Virgil came up with ‘Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church,’ we haven’t come up with squat.”


Unbeknownst to local church goers, most of those clever signs aren’t original. “We have a network of sign writers and we rotate the clever messages on a weekly basis so that a parishioner is unlikely to see the same message twice. Your “Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives” sign this week was the clever slogan last week in Glen’s Falls, NY.”

At the emergency meeting, writers from various churches and multiple denominations brainstormed to come up with a few slogans to get them through the next few weeks. Father Mike shared with me the sayings that floated to the top:

  • Put on your “O” face… your hOly face.
  • Don't wait for Jesus to touch your life. Touch Him first.
  • Not everyone gets a burning bush.
  • Jesus could kick Chuck Norris’ ass (but please don’t say anything to Mr. Norris.)
  • Come for the wine, stay for the guilt.
Sadly, the internet has brought the secret networking of the creative church-speak to a halt. Dispatcher Ron Creet of The First Methodist Church in Denver Colorado was quick to reveal the problem, “You can’t open the internet without seeing one of our clever church signs. Mrs. Roberta Samuels said she logged on to the AOL and saw her Lutheran Church sign from last week in a photo of a Baptist Church sign and almost had a conniption fit.”

The NLC has reached out to Hollywood in an attempt to rejuvenate their creative pool. Deacon Paul Sims laughed, “Those Godless bastards are funny as hell! We got Leno’s people to do a three week, limited, front end crawl with an option for Lent. But we had to fire them when we found out they were all Jewish. And of course, that's not the only fire they'll have to worry about at the end of the day. Oh! That's a good one... I'm going to write that down!”

Helpful Cooking Hints With HolyJuan: Butter

Butter is in every single recipe. If it is not in a recipe you are using, you are cooking incorrectly. Here's a simple trick I learned.

When using butter, they usually ask that you measure out the butter in tablespoons. Instead of getting out a an actual tablespoon and making a mess, use the stick of butter measuring lines.  I'm making mac and cheese and need 4 tablespoons of butter.

FIRST: Get out your stick of butter and notice the marked lines.


SECOND: Cut the lines until you get to the 4 TBSP mark.


THIRD: We only need the 4 TBSP, so throw out the other chunks.


FOURTH: Put the 4 TBSP in the recipe. Done and done!


Look for more Cooking with HolyJuan tips in the future!