How to Leave a Party Early

As soon as you are invited to one party and you accept the initiation, inevitably a better offer comes around. There is an art to leaving a party early without offending your host. Here’s how you do it.

1. The BEST way to leave is just to leave. Don’t say good-bye. Don’t tell anyone. Just leave. You will not be missed. The next day if the host asks you why you left, claim that you got into an intense discussion with a person whose name you cannot remember and that you left about ten minutes after X person puked. If the host says that X person didn’t puke, laugh and say, “Oh crap, they told be to promise that I wouldn’t tell.”

2. Ask the host for Imodium AD. 10 minutes later excuse yourself. No questions asked.

3. Ask the host if you can lie down in a spare bedroom. Use the jackets on the bed to make a fake you under the covers. If the host looks in, they’ll see a fake you. When guests leave, they’ll take their jackets and you will have disappeared without having to make an excuse.

4. Ask the host if they have a really, really expensive brand of wine. (I don’t know any myself, but ask for a late 90’s six syllable French sounding something and it will pass. Start with ch√Ęteau and you’ll be fine.) When your host says no, say you are going to run out and grab a bottle. Call from wherever you are at later and say you are still searching for it. Next day, leave a bottle of wine on their porch with a note saying, “Found it!”

5. Browse the snacks. Get a dip or white sauce that might have milk in it. Walk up to the host with the bowl and say, “This soy dip is awesome!” When they correct you and say that the item is milk based, get all wide eyed, cover your mouth and run for the door.

6. If all else fails, be honest and truthful with your host. Walk right up to them, take a deep breath and tell them your mother just called and that your father has had a massive heart attack and you must leave. If this is your second party you are bailing on, make sure mom is having the heart attack this time.


Capt. Schmoe said...

Lying to the host is not very holy, Juan

Anonymous said...

You forgot the old "I just farted blood" routine

.. said...

I actually am going to try #3 at my own party.

Anonymous said...

dude. work harder. this isn't very funny... also, i understand if english isn't your first language

Watcher's notes said...

Luked engleesh to me.

Mr. Phip said...

In regards to number 1: I call this the 'Houdini' and employ its use almost exclusively. I actually use it so much that I'm never asked where I went or what happened. Usually when the host sees me next they simply say "Pulled the Houdini last night, huh?"
To which I reply "Abra-cadabra"