Ask HolyJuan: Is my Girlfriend a Lesbian?

Hi Holy Juan,

I met someone recently. We dated for about a few months. The other day I asked her if she'd like to go to a Leaf's game. She declined. As I sat at home watching the game alone, my mind got back to the bars we used to hang out at. For sports bars, there sure were a lot of women with crew cuts. Anyway, since we've met the bedroom activity has been near zero, and with the bar thing and all... oh and canceling our last date because "Erica" was coming over.... I'm dating a lesbian, I think, what do I do?

-- male, not a lesbian

BTW, if I'll be in Ohio soon, would you like to get a beer or see a hockey game or something?

Dear –male, not a lesbian,

I’m not sure where to start here. Oh, yes I do: You are a closeted gay. You show all this signs.

1. Instead of just dumping this girl, you are lamenting and probably masturbating yourself to sleep at night. Straight guys use this as an opportunity to find other chicks to bang. Gay dudes would use this opportunity to finally break free of societal norms. You, on the other hand, are looking to blame some chick for your yearnings of man meat. Get some balls, get out of the closet and, well, get some balls.

2. Any straight guy can tell a straight sports bar from a gay sports bar, usually from 8 blocks away. Straight Sports Bar is full of people that are looking to hook up, but can’t and decide to hang out with the same sex to lament. A Gay Sports Bar is full of people who are hooking up, but are taking a break to catch the game and a beer. The fact that you were checking out the girl’s hair styles should be a dead give-away.

3. You like the Leafs? You are most definitely gay.

4. Bedroom activity near zero? If there's one thing I know, straight people have sex whether they like it or not. I assume you spoon instead of having sex and by spoon I mean that when she kicks you out of bed, you wrap your crying, cold body around the corner of the futon and gnaw on an edge of the mattress.

5. Breaking up a date because Erica was coming over? Dude! That's the siren call of a threesome! And you didn't even suggest that you could come over and hold the camera? A straight man knows that a threesome is a one in a million chance. But dammit if he isn't going to ask a million times. You were handed a threesome and instead stayed at home and openly wept as you humped an oily sock.

6. You want to meet up in Columbus and see a hockey game? That’s fine. We’ll have sex and if you like it, you’ll know you are gay. If you don’t, then dammit, I’ll try harder.

Your straight friend,


1 comment:

Natasha said...

Bahaha! It's true. Poor male, not a lesbian... If only he could get some real good lovin' or hire a hooker, all would be right with the world.