HolyJuan: Guest Poet

I received an e-mail from a reader named Tom who thought that his poem, that was created in 1992 with the help of his buddy Jim, would be suitable for printing on my site. On the day I agreed to do so, he became very ill and will be out of commission for a few days while he pees blood. I believe that this is what they call in the story telling business, foreshadowing. HolyJuan.com is not responsible for the poem's content nor any aneurism you might have reading this:

I don’t give a fuck

I don’t care if you run a mile

I don’t care if you french kiss a vertical smile

I don’t care if you smell like a pile

I don’t care if your shaped like a pear

If you have no hair

Or suck off a bear

I don’t care if you swallow a puck

Or your fingers stuck

Because I don’t give a fuck

I don’t care if you pet the beaver or analy penetrate Mrs. Cleaver

I don’t care if you keep heads in a freezer

I don’t care if you have genital warts or drink bull seaman by the quarts

I have no fear that you ride a steer or have a bumpy gourd stuck in your ear

I don’t care if you’re a candy striper or wear a diaper

I don’t care if your ass sucks canal water or if you know Barry Goldwater

Don’t give a fuck that you’re out of luck or fuck six albino bikers in the back of a truck

I don’t care if you’re a loner or if you knit a sweater for your boner

If you fondle a baker or bury a Quaker

If you’re under house arrest or shave a dinner guest, if you think your smart or smell like an elk fart

If you have cauliflower ear or field dress a deer

I don’t care if you’ve got a good lawyer or an incredibly large goiter

If you eat perch or enjoy a generous cavity search

If you stand naked in an elevator with a machete, or Jell-O wrestle with Mario Andretti

If you act loony or give unmerciful enemas to Rosemary Clooney

If your always on the go, or grab your nose with pliers and scream “look I’m Moe!”

I don’t care if you sing with inflection or go to the Vatican for a free wiener inspection

If you eat a rancid pudding pie or braid the butt hair of your local rabbi

And I don’t care if your uncle wears a hood and his motto is “Hitler bad sausage good!”

Because you suck

And I don’t give a fuck


OO said...

This guy is a genius hahah

Charles said...

very poignant. Truly one of the greatest thinkers of our time...

Did he mention to whom it was written? or was it meant for a general readership?

Skippy said...

I'm afraid I have to agree with this poem. But, I don't give a fuck...so tough luck.

TommyMac said...

OMG, I wish I could say that I don't give a fuck....but I do. I LOVE this poem. Thanks.

And congrats on being a Blog of Note

My Blog: The Virtual Sink

Stonesdoor said...

Loved the poem; hated the grammatical errors. They were distracting, but I am, at 63, an old fart and who gives a fuck.

Suicidexstar said...

straight up Dont give a fuck, wise words for the masses

angelmeans2 said...

I think he should patent this and make Tshirts or Hallmark cards, its lovely.

Anonymous said...

Hey, wait a minute, I voted for Obama!!

Anonymous said...

Lyric: There once was a man from Nantucket who would only say fuck-it.
After being jailed for along while for many things nasty and vile.
All he would say is Fuck-it

regards jack

ps if that isn't a great lyric that's because I wrote it.