Ask HolyJuan - Lonely on Valentine's Day

Dear HolyJuan -
Since I'm newly single and I've been reflecting on how lonely I will be this Valentine's day, I've decided to join a dating site. I have to post a sentence or phrase as a headline on my profile page.
Any suggestions?

Yours truly-
single lady

Dear Single Lady,

Yeah, yeah, yeah…. Just put “I suck COCK” and you’ll get 10,000 pinches or taps or winks… whatever they call it on those dating sites.

Here is what I see as the greater problem… WTF are you paying good money for to be on a dating site? And why are you single? I mean, if you suck COCK like your profile on the dating site suggested, why would your boyfriend dump you?

So instead of dating sites, let me help you find places to pick up guys on the cheap.

Guys specifically go to bars to pick up chicks. Sadly, women do not go to bars because of some issue with there being a bunch of horny guys there. BREAK THE CYCLE! Go to a bar and pick up a guy. Report your findings on the internet about how great it was to find a guy in a bar. Let’s put the bra back in bar.

Just kidding. Dudes you find a church are racked with guilt about the invisible man who tells them sex is bad. You don’t want to date one of those guys. And plus they usually like little boys anyways.

The Internet
Get a Twitter account and tweet, “I am depressed and desperate. I live in X city. I’ll be at Y bar.” Boom. Done.

The Strip Club
Every guy that goes to a strip club hopes that there will be some normal girl that shows up looking for the type of greasy, sweaty, unlucky guy that they are. Find a group of guys and pick one of them (ensuring he is not the bachelor.) This will help the economy by getting more guys in the strip club in hopes that this will happen to you. Universities will see a sharp rise in income as all those strippers head to college. Then those girls will head to strip clubs to pick up guys and the circle of life will be complete.

The Olympics
No one is more vulnerable than a guy that just got 4th place in the biathlon. He’ll need consoling and probably a good rub down. Stay away from the dudes way in last place. They knew they never had a chance and just take the trip to get chicks.

Columbus, OH
I understand there are a bunch of level headed guys in Columbus, OH that will make suitable partners. While some are married there are others that use a nom de plume and might take you out to dinner if you can make it after the kids go to bed. Do you like hot wings?


Mom said...

Too funny. Do you have tips for someone who has lots of paintings and can't figure out what to do with them?

And Dude, don't leave a comment on that site, because I sent my link to a gallery. OMG does that scare me. I actually put myself up to a gallery and now snooty face people are going to crap on my paintings. I can't stand the thought of what art people are going to say.

Kill me now.

HolyJuan said...

Are you really my mom? And what site are you talking about commenting on?

Are you using lead based paints?

Issaquah Chiropractic said...

I like you HolyJuan, you really know where to find me on valentines day. Love your story very interesting.