How to Fabricate Your Own Bible

Making your own Bible can not only be satisfying; it can guarantee your entry ticket into heaven or whatever afterlife you create! Follow these simple steps to make your own physical manifestation of your deity’s (deities’) words.

Rule One: Paradoxes
The only way your Bible can be successful is if it cannot be disproven. The only way to make sure this can’t happen is to build a few logical dead ends. Don't immediately suggest that your god is infallible. Rookie mistake. By suggesting that your god is always right, you get people pointing at platypuses and suicide bombers and that causes doubt. You should instead say that your god is always going to test his people. And, of course, always have your god always answer questions with a question.

If all that fails, make the starting entry of your Bible be the following, indisputable statement: “First!”

Rule Two: Make Up Rules
No Bible is complete without a list of rules that cannot be broken under penalty of crappy afterlife. The wackier the rule, the more that people will believe that there is some heavenly inspiration for it.

Thou shalt not prance
Thou shalt not eat cheese with a fork
Thou shalt not wear of metal the hat unless in battle for your Lord
Eat only of the left hand
Bury thy dead with a magazine of your choosing
Thou shall not recycle brown glass
Thou shalt turn left three times after passing thy gas
Thou shall lean backwards while showering to show thine glory of thine breasts heavenward

If you are having trouble thinking of rules, just think of the things you really like to do and forbid people from doing them.

Rule Three: Make your Bible Big and Thick and Old Looking
No one believes in something that looks like it came right off a printing press. Make your Bible brownish with a slight moldy smell. Your Bible should also be extremely thick. Your god’s words will be much more believable if they are hand written in script. You can also make the last 2000 pages blank and tell your followers that once they are true believers that the text will become legible. Sit back and wait to hear what bullshit the true believers come up with in your god’s name.

Rule Four: No Chick Gods
Women are way too understanding to be gods. Your god should be a raging man god. Even if your god isn't the type that would have humans be made in his image (gasp), it should still be a male-esque plate of spaghetti / creature / misty-cloudly-like entity. I would avoid giving your god a full chest of hair. Stick with flowing locks or flames.

Rule Five: Your God kicks Other Gods Asses

I would highly suggest including passages where your god takes out false gods in a bar fight or gun battle. Describe other gods as pansies or misguided angels that quit your god’s team once they found out they couldn't make partner. Make sure that he doesn't destroy all of the false gods, just roughs them up a bit. OK, he can kill all but one of them, so that weak ass, false god can go back and tell everyone what a bad ass your god is.

Rule Six: Make an Awesome Afterlife

Why die and go to a cloudy place where you have to spend eternity with grandma? Instead, build an afterlife with roller coasters with no lines. Make the pure white robes optional. Why not have Sandals create the all inclusive afterlife with no kids? You must hint at the possibility that your followers can peer into the showers of the living to ensure they are following the list of rules.

I also highly suggest you allow your followers' pets into your heaven. You'll get a lot more followers this way. And less kids crying and hating your god.

Rule Seven: Create a lot of loopholes
Sin is bad. Sin in the name of your god is GOOD!
It is forbidden to kill… everyone but non-believers.
You cannot eat cheese with a fork… unless it is the third Wednesday after the second Tuesday.

It’s OK if your story has a lot of holes in it. 500 years from now, they’ll just say that some of the documentation is missing and that your god is infallible and this is a test.


sedgehurst said...

Most important rule of any religion is that if you are lucky enough to be the one God talks to, you get as many women as you want.

Alistair Scott said...

You've forgotten something.

Your God has to be really mean. He's got to put the 'fear of God' into his followers to keep them in line. He's got to do awesome things for the most trivial transgressions, like turning a woman into a pillar of salt for looking behind her, or slaughtering a gang of kids because they laugh at a guy with a bald head. Make your God nasty ... but irrational with it.

Be creative. For example, have him turn a group of his loyal followers into a pile of snot for cutting their toenails when there's an R in the month.

The wackier but more terrifying the better.

Anonymous said...

@sedgehurst - Or in the case of the Catholics, young boys.

Anonymous said...

2 Chronicles 36:16 But they mocked God’s messengers, despised his words and scoffed at his prophets until the wrath of the LORD was aroused against his people and there was no remedy.

Doug said...

You people in Colorado are much closer to the Lord than I am. I mean, physically you are higher up.

Anonymous said...

Your followers would have the nastiest nails. Eight months of the year no trimming. The remaining four are all in line during the summer.