Your relationship has been dragging and you know that it might soon be over. You throw everything you have into keeping it together, but something just isn’t right. Here are a few ways to know when a relationship is done for:
1. They aren’t at home anymore
If you wake up and your lover is not there, it might be because they got up early to go to work and get the McGruder project back on track. When they do not come home that night, they might be working late and forgot to call. When you check and see that all their clothes are gone, maybe it is because they went on a business trip and neglected to remind you. When they don’t come back from that business trip for over a month, you can be sure that they have left you.
2. Wife puts her maiden name on Facebook
Nothing says “game over” like your wife putting her maiden name up on Facebook. The deal is that most the people you and she interact with know your wife by her married name. When she puts her maiden name up on Facebook, she’s basically advertising to all the guys she knew in high school and college that she’s still out there and available if things don’t work out with you.
3. You wake up dead
There is a split second between deep sleep and death when you realize that some shit has gone down. Waking up with a gunshot wound is a sure sign that things just aren’t working out. Try not to bleed on the carpet; your spouse has got to resell this home once you have passed on.
4. You are not having sex, but your spouse is
When your spouse rolls in drunk at 3:30am and immediately jumps into the shower, you might accept the excuse that they were sweaty from jogging. At 3:30am. Since they have taken a shower, you ask if they want to have sex and they say, “No, I’ve had enough tonight,” you can pretty much assume that it’s over.
5. Your shit is in the driveway
If you can’t pull into the driveway because your clothes, books and favorite furniture is blocking the drive way, it could be because a reality show appeared and is filming in your house on closet reorganization. Once you notice your better half throwing it from the second story window, you’d better call your friend who owns a truck to help you cart your crap off.
6. Spouse has virtual wedding with someone else on-line
So your partner is involved in on-line games. Great! They have a hobby. When they start making life decisions based on the religious beliefs of a shaman, it’s awesome that they are expanding their religious horizons. When you find them leaving for the airport to fly to Reno to meet Gruflchette for a nude ceremony under the full moon, you can pretty much delete the relationship.
If your spouse is reading Twilight, you are obviously not giving them enough romance or excitement. You think Tolkien was getting laid? That man only had sex if he was writing about wood nymphs and elves getting it on. If your loved one doesn’t have a bookmark because they can tear through a whole 1200 pages of Harry Potter, your relationship is finished.
8. They volunteer for the military
Remember how you were planning for that trip into wine country? Remember? And the day you were leaving, your partner said that they just had to run down to the recruiter's office for just a minute. And then you sat there with the picnic basket for a few hours wondering whether you were going to go with the pinot noir or the merlot. Three weeks later someone comes to your door asking for donations for gift packages to send to your partner who is bravely serving overseas. Done.
9. They scream someone else's name during sex
... and you hear it as you walk in the house from work. You're done.
10. You are reading this
If you are reading this final paragraph, you must have some inclination that things are going to shit. Most people would have quit reading at #2 or at best #3. But no, you kept delving, searching for some explanation why your lover is playing WOW naked with a Twilight book on tape playing in the background. It’s over Johnny. It’s over.