The List of Things I Have Not Said On Facebook

Just like you, I am on Facebook. And also just like you, I have stupid friends who leave inane status updates that I would love to reply to and cannot because we probably wouldn't be friends anymore. Maybe that would be a good thing. Here is a list of things I have not said on Facebook in reply to my friends:

I am too short to ride your emotional roller coaster.

Your cause sucks.

No. You are nothing like any of the characters from Disney.

Your diet is a pyramid scheme.

Please fight with your husband at home.

You just ran eight miles? My ass you did.

Of course you want a drink… you are an alcoholic.

Just get a new cat.

Now there are 24 more things about you I didn't want to know.

Fucking read before you post that shit. Idiot!

Your job does suck and your boss reads your FB page.

Yes, you are that guy.

Thanks! I was going to look outside to see that the weather was shitty, but now I’ll find something else to do.

I thought you were a racist before and now I know. Thanks for the clarification.

You are not 18 anymore. Nor are you 26 or even 35. Just quit it.

You have no idea what feckless means.

I am thankful that the 30 days of this are up.

Holy crap, I think I can see your tits in that photo.

That tattoo looks like complete shit.

Third time's a charm, dumbass.


Anonymous said...

Yes I am too a Princess!!!!!

Joe Peffer said...

wow, that was a beautiful post.

Tracy said...

It's just amazing and inspiring what you've done with your imaginary farm. Especially since the mob is after you and all.

Anonymous said...

Brilliant, Tracy!

Orange said...

Wow. I must have exceptionally smart and interesting Facebook friends because I don't need to say any of those things to them.

Doug said...

Orange, you are my hero. Keep fighting the good fight.

Anonymous said...

Great Post! By the way, what are your 24 things about you that I don't want to know. Oh, wait, I read your blog regularly so it a lot more than 24 already. --Loy

Anonymous said...

...and I don't want to join your fucking mob, nor do I give a shit about your imaginary farm animals.

Holland Rhodes said...

I think half of those are directed at me

sedgehurst said...

Public Notice: Sedgehurst will be stealing some of these lines and re-using them on Facebook per the creative commons guidelines under US Commercial Code 140.5.U_Cant-D0-4nyth1ng//aboutit##.

Sharky said...

Yeah....It's not the majority of friends on myspace that I feel the need to say these things too, but there are a few....*LOL* I tried honest before,(cuz I don't wanna be 2-faced or phoney) even saying it the most tactful way....and these few still got offended, and stopped talking to me for a few weeks-months. *LOL*

Spellflinger said...


Toni said...

Yes, I've wanted to say some of those things, and I'm very sure my friends have wanted to say them to me!

Anonymous said...

Get new friends.

Anonymous said...

Please just get over it already. Great, you love her, fan-fucking-tastic.
That, and get a fucking room.

Doug said...

I think you are commenting on the wrong post, dumbass.

Never been there, never will. said...

what is facebook?