Five Worst Types of Wingman

Simply put, the wingman (or wingwoman) is there to ensure you get laid. They help find a suitable partner at a bar, they talk you up and then they know when to leave and/or take one for the team by banging the ugly friend.

Of course, then there are the wingmen that completely screw everything up.

The Married Wingman
No one is getting laid tonight.
If you have completed your wingman duties in the past, you may find that most your friends have found a partner, married and left you behind. Sadly, you must then make due with the married wingman, the saddest of all wingmen. Sad in part because they are looking to find you a good partner instead of a good lay. This causes them to pass over some of the better catches in favor of something a bit more attainable. You’ll also find that the married wingman has marriage regret and will just get angry around potential lays, especially when instead of getting laid with the other girl he has to possibly sit up all night with her and “talk one for the team.” As this is not desirable, he’ll fake a call from the wife and head home early, leaving you to fend for yourself.

The Puker
This is the wingman that forgets to drink a lot less than you. Just when things get interesting, he pukes on your target’s shoes. Either that or he does make it to the bathroom, but reeks of vomit and chases any potential birds off. Girls are nicer and will at least hold their wingwoman’s hair while she reverse yawns in the stall. After puking, no wingperson can make a full recovery and it’s best to call it a night.

The “Making Sure Everything is All Right” Wingwoman
pull away
"Time to go!"
There is nothing worse than a wing that does not know their duty. This one falls under the wingwoman category more than it does guys. While a girl is chatting it up, her wingwoman swoops in and drops a, “Just checking in and, hey, Blahblahblah is here and wanted to say hello,” while pulling at her arm. Maybe later she interrupts and mentions that the two girls haven’t had a chance to talk all night. There is nothing more annoying than a wingwoman not only neglecting her duties, but keeping a girl from potential hook ups.

The Bait and Switch Wingman
The classic wingman failure. It’s the end of the night and the man has found a girl and the girl has a friend, but your wingman is there for you. The wingman is getting ready to take one for the team when he pulls the man off to the side and says, “Hey, I like girl A better. How’s about a switch and you take girl B?” If you say no, the wingman gets pissed and bails, leaving you with a pissed off B and an A that needs to walk her home. If you say yes, the girls will pick up on this and diss you both. The Bait and Switch is a no win situation.

The Cock Blocking Wingman
The night has gone great. The man has found the girl with the wingman’s help, the wingman has talked the man up and he’s prepared to take one for the team and be with Girl B. The night is ending and they all make plans to get one last drink before heading home. The man heads to the bathroom and on his way back, notices that he wingman is deep in conversation with Girl A. As he approaches, wingman holds his arm out and blocks the man from the last bit of the conversation. The Girl A's mouth is wide open in surprise and she backs away. In less than two minutes, both girls pack up and leave after revealing that wingman wanted to sneak out with the man’s girl. In one fell swoop he has ruined everyone’s evening. You try to explain but the chick just punches you in the face for hanging out with such an asshole.
punch in the face
Thanks, wingman.

1 comment:

John said...

Do you ever go anywhere without this guy in the pictures? He seems to appear in every group of photos you take.