An Open Letter to Sarah Silverman

Dear Ms. Silverman,

Hello and greetings from the far east end of the Midwest. My name is Doug and you and I are destined to have sex. I know this may come as a shock to you, but I think the stars are pretty much lined up and they make a bee line from my weenier to your, I assume, well trimmed vaginal groin area.

You are most likely aware of an item called a “Laminated List.” For those who are reading this open letter that are not likely aware, it is a list of three famous people that one spouse will allow the list holding spouse to have sex with, if the opportunity arises.

I recently put you at the #1 spot on my laminated list during the yearly open enrollment. I apologize that you did not make the 07’-08’ list, but we were both very busy and I assume that we would not have been able to make the time to get together.

With your newly single status and my newly laminated list, I believe we have a wonderful opportunity for you to experience seventeen to twenty seconds of very awkward, if not embarrassing, sex with me.

I do not plan on being in Los Angeles or New York in the near future, but I can make arrangements to travel to Cleveland, Pittsburgh, Detroit and/or Columbus. As you are famous, I am hoping that you and land a gig in one of these places. I hear Columbus is especially enjoyable this time of Summer. It would be best if you were shooting a film so that we can have sex in your movie star trailer, as sex in the Funny Bone Comedy Club bathroom is awkward and stinky.

Please contact me at to arrange a meeting. I will not call nor contact you afterwards and rules dictate that I remove your name from the list as soon as the opportunity presents itself.

Best of luck and sex with me,


PS If you could time it, my High School Reunion is at the end of September. It would be great if you could come as my date. I know it's cheesy, but I have several chicks in my class I need to get comeuppance upon.


Anonymous said...

I think you need send a similar letter to poor Alyssa Milano about your new list. If this is intended to be a fiscal year list (Sept 1 - August 31), this may prompt her to get her act together by the end of August if she knows she's off the list for next year.

Jay Fielding said...

Hasn't Ms. Silverman proudly stated that she does not perform any type of hedge trimming? I think that may buy you an additional eight to ten seconds of awkwardness.

The Nag said...

Forget about it.She's still fucking Matt Damon.