Ask 'olyJuan: Redundant job

Dear HolyJuan,

My job has just been made redundant, and I need to avoid being offered a new one internally for the next month (at which point they will be forced to pay me out).

Do you have any suggestions for applications and interviews?

Sincerely,
Desperately Avoiding Employment



Dear Desperately Avoiding Employment,

Holy fucking Rosetta Stone! What exactly are you trying to ask? I can barely make it out through the accent. From your e-mail address, I can tell you are from Australia. I went to the Yahoo Babble Fish translation page and tried to get your letter translated from Australian to American, but I couldn’t find the correct settings.

So I did the next closest language which was, of course, Dutch and here is the translation I got:

Dear HolyJuan,

My job has just leg maggot redundant, and I need to avoid being offered a new one internally for the next month (ate which point they will be forced to pay me out).

Do you property any suggestions for applications and interview?

Sincerely,
Desperately Avoiding Employment


This was still confusing, which made me realize that Australia was originally one giant walled prison where horrible, awful humans were kept. Everyone knows the worst people in the world are German so I translated from German into American:

Dear HolyJuan,

My job has just put maggot redundantly, and I need tons avoid being off-talk, A of new one internally for the NEXT month (which POINT ate they wants fuel element forced tons pay ME out).

DO you property any suggestions for applications and interview?

Sincerely,
Desperately Avoiding Employment


I made a mathematical assessment of the grammar and realized this needed one final translation: cockney.

Dear 'olyJuan,

Me Uncle Bob there are just put maggot redundantly, and I need tons avoid bein' off-talk, to of new one internally for the NEXT monff (wich POINT ties they wants fuel element forced tons pay ME out).

For DO yer property any suggestions applications and interview, then, guv?

Sincerely,
Desperately Avoidin' Employment


My reply:

Dear Desperately Avoidin' Employment,

I’d suggest you suck it up for the next month, do your assigned work and punch the clock at the end of the day like every other God-fearing Australian.

And go see a doctor about the maggots. That’s just gross.

Love,

‘olyJuan

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