Ask HolyJuan: Flight Risk Apartment Mate Advice

Dear HolyJuan,

I’m not sure if you know much about renting and deposits, but here is my problem: I have been a good tenant, but my apartment mate has not. Due to some problems that are definitely his fault, he was unable to pay his half of the rent the last two months. I’ve noticed that he has been slowly been removing his stuff from the apartment. He says that he is just cleaning up, but his computer is gone and so are his school books and I think he is going to break the lease.

Is there anything I can do to get him to pay his rent? Should I be afraid of him moving out overnight? I do not care if he is not friends with me after this because I think he’s been peeing on the carpet. I also want my half of the deposit back.


Room for rent in Ohio

Dear Room,

You are screwed. This guy is either moving out slowly or he’s selling his crap for crack and sooner or later crack people will steal your shit or kill you. You’ll never see the deposit and you’ll be lucky if your credit isn’t ruined from this asshole bailing on you.

There is only one thing to do: pre-revenge.

Step 1: Eat asparagus, wait thirty minutes, pee on his mattress and flip it over. This is just in case the rest of the steps do not work and at least you’ll feel like you got partial retribution.

Step 2: Buy some cheap lamps and a few False Aralia plants. Set them up in that basement or closet that is not in your room.

photo via

Step 3: Call the landlord and tell him/her that you are being called back into the military because of some stopgap measure and that not letting you out of your lease is not only illegal, it’s Un-American, god damnit. When he sheepishly asks for proof, download any military document you can get your hands on, use Photoshop to smudge it and fax it to him eight or nine times in a row. Tell him the fax machine at Fort Bragg is really shitty. He’ll believe you. He has to!

Step 4: Move out quickly. Don’t get your friends involved in the move. Use local laborers at the Home Depot or call LaborReady. Get 15 or so guys and it will take less than ten minutes.

Step 5: Put a string of black cat fireworks in a back room of the apartment with a fuse that is long enough to run out a window.

Step 6: When your apartment mate comes home, call the cops. Say you are a temp worker for LaborReady and that you saw some weed plants in a basement or closet at the apartment you moved some guy out of today.

Step 7: When the cops show up, light the fuse.

Step 8: Your apartment mate will be killed by the cops who think they are being fired on.

Step 9: Move back in and tell your landlord that your platoon received new orders.

Step 10: You will get A’s for the semester because of the death of your apartment mate.

Step 11: Put a ROOMMATE NEEDED ad on Craigslist. Put it in the Casual Encounters section just for fun. You've earned it.

Hope this helps!



Sleepy Scott said...


Where were you and your great advice years ago when I was having room-mate issues?

I had to resort to spiking the orange juice with Ex-Lax.

Your approach seems much more gratifying.

Meghan said...

Okay, so I have a pretty new apartment and a roommate who is moving in soon and I'm scared to death now! Holy Crap! But I got a good laugh, so now I'm prepared and happy. Thanks Doug.