Screw the laptop and mini-fridge. Here are the real essentials that every college student should own.
Shampoo Bottle Pee Detector
This device is embedded in your shampoo and/or conditioner cap and beeps to let you know when someone has peed in your shampoo bottle. It happens more than you think and your shiny locks aren’t always because of rinsing and repeating.
Condom Wrapper Gum
These innocent pieces of gum come in packaging that look like condom wrappers. If you are not getting any, you can leave them laying around and act like you are. If you parents are visiting and find real condom wrappers, you can say they are gum. If you are banging a chick and smell wintergreen, you might want to pull out before you "blow your bubble."
Marijuana/Daisy Hybrid Plants
This plant looks like daisies, but smokes like marijuana. Grow weed without getting caught. Give your boyfriend/girlfriend a gift that keeps on giving. Comes with Baby’s Breath rolling papers.
A necessity for the dorms. Fake boots and pant legs that sit in the bathroom stall so you can save a spot for yourself for the cafeteria food induced ass explosion. Those other schmucks will see the boots under the stall and wait for the "person" to finish as they listen to the pre-recorded grunts and groans that emanate from the hidden mp3 player. After lunch, just walk by those suckers waiting in line and pass the time with the rolled up playboy in the boot.
"Walk-of-Shame" Survival Kit
Kit includes: change of clothes, sunglasses, aspirin, map of campus, list of pillow talk conversation starters and fake phone number. (See Sorority Girl Initiation Kit for pregnancy tests.)
Practice Sheep Genitalia
Great for hopeful Fraternity rushees. Don’t look foolish when confronted with a sheep for the first time during rush week. Use these ultra realistic sheep parts to work on your grip and trust technique.
These sheets make dorm sleeping tranquil. 300 thread count, Egyptian sheets are pre-printed with cumstains to ward off agile roommates looking to hook up in every nook and cranny of the dorm room.
Sorority Girl Initiation Kit
Comes with "Freshman 15" weight scale that automatically deducts fifteen pounds, 'Idiot's Guide to Bulimia' handbook with extra long tongue depressor and twelve pack pregnancy tests.