Poser 101 or How to Think You are Cool for Cheap

Sometimes, being cool is way too expensive. Here are some cheap and easy ways to make it look like you think you know what might actually kinda hip(with associated costs in parenthesis.)

1. In the signature of your e-mails, add a “01+” to the beginning of your phone number to look international. (Cost: Free)

2. Post fake “Missed Connections” about yourself on Craigslist after a night out with your friends. Post anonymously on the internet and e-mail it around to your co-workers. (Cost: Free)

3. Rename all the contacts in your cell phone address book with the names of famous celebrities like Paris Hilton, Fergie, Jay-Z and Rick Springfield. Leave phone out on table in front of friends. Every time phone rings, apologize and say you have to take this call. Note: Delete Heath Ledger. (Cost: free.)

4. Buy a replacement handle for a guitar case. Use the screws to attach some broken wood to the replacement handle. Stagger around the subway with fake blood on your head and tell people you fought off some biker dudes with your guitar case. (Cost: $4.50 for the handle and $1.25 for the Halloween fake blood. $.75 for a guitar pick for added reality.)

5. Mail yourself notes composed of cutout letters from magazines glued to a piece of paper, with no return address. Tell your friends you have a stalker who can't let you go after sleeping with you just one night. (Cost: $29.70 for a year's subscription to Bridal Monthly.)

6. Carry the "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" around with you and let it fall out of your bag at opportune moments. (Cost: Go softcover and you’ll pay $0.01 + $3.99 shipping on Amazon. Do not go uber-cheap and buy a version without the cover from the ½ priced bookstore.)

7. Answering your phone in fake French (Cost: free if you watch enough Monty Python on PBS.)

8. Conduct fake insider-trading cell phone conversations with your "broker", advising him that he’s f’ing crazy to try and dump your Commodore stock. (Cost: free, unless you really did own stock in 1994.)

9. Use multi-colored markers to make several marks on back of hands. Smudge liberally. When people ask, explain you were clubbing until 5:00am in (large city two time zones away.) If they ask for details, say Hef gave you some roofies and you can’t remember much. (Cost: stop by a group of people preparing protest signs and ask to borrow markers.)

10. Keep Euros in your wallet (Cost: With current exchange rates, use three, five euro bills: $21.75)

11. Put $100 dollars worth of quarters into a slot machine. When some impressionable people walk by, hit the payout button and let the coins drop so you sound like a winner. (Cost: free if you borrow the $100 from your parents.)

12. Print out skateboarder stickers from the internet (price: free if you use your roomate’s printer.)

13. Aquire iPod earbuds. Tie clear fishing line around one end. When cool people walk by, make a scene throwing the iPod earbuds in the trash. When people ask you what you are doing, explain how much the iPods sux and that you are buying a pair of Sennheiser Mx W1s. Use fishing line to pull out earbuds from trash and wait till more cool people walk by to repeat. (Cost: earbuds are free if you look in the trash after actual cool people have thrown theirs out. Fishing line is free down by the river if you are good with knots.)

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

"One euro bills"?

LOL there's no such thing. Smallest euro bills are 5 EUR, which corresponds approximately to a million dollar. ;-)

Doug said...

HOW DARE YOU CALL ME OUT AS A POSER! YOU MOTHER FUCKING UPPITY EUROPEAN FUCKS!!!!

There, I changed it.. asswipe. I POSE WITHOUT THEE.

Anonymous said...

this is a sad article. 'poser' doesnt accurately describe how pathetic it is.

Anonymous said...

Brilliant - great tips for the aspiring young'uns out there, especially the part about the iPod buds.

Sarah said...

that was funny