Tips for Women: How to Keep a Guy From Thinking He's Going to Get Laid

If you are a female, it's pretty easy to have sex. I think all you need to do is open the window and yell and three or four guys will appear. But sometimes you just want to hang out with a guy, have some friendly conversation and then leave. But guys will never figure that out, so it is best to prepare the guy for the inevitable shutdown. Here are some helpful tips to ensure the dude knows that he's not going to get any. For this lesson, the prospective not-getting-laid guy’s name is Carl. (Sorry to all the guys named Carl.)

Step One: Do not say drink in the invitation
When a guy hears "drink" he thinks sex. Don't invite the guy out for a drink. Instead, invite Carl out for lunch or early dinner. Lunch is a definite boner bender. Early dinner suggests you’ve got other people to bang later. I’m not saying you can’t get a drink when you are out, just don’t suggest it in the invite.

Step Two: Call it a meeting

Meetings suck the life out of anyone. No one gets laid at a meeting. When you invite Carl to lunch, say you want to discuss a specific topic that does not include ex-boyfriends. Architecture and retirement are great topics to keep Carl from boning up. Again, you don’t have to discuss that at lunch, but it will keep Carl’s expectations at a bare minimum.

Step Three: Schedule a gynecologist visit right before your meeting

You are weak and might fuck Carl despite your attempt to con yourself into thinking you don’t want to. As a back up, schedule a Pap or a regular gyno visit right before your meeting with Carl. This will destroy any chance of you wanting to get busy. Ensure you mention that you are late to the lunch because of the gyno appointment and, for added realism, let a speculum fall out of your purse and on to the table. Follow that up with a, “So that’s where that went.”

Step Four: Order Wings
Wings are greasy, disgusting and delicious. A chick eating wings is hot only is she is eating them off your chest during sex. Watching you suck down twelve, greasy wings will turn Carl off. If he starts to get excited watching you lick the sauce off your fingers, remember to mention that wings give you the shits.

Step Five: The Shits
Leave the table several times during the night. Make sure you just run off at random times with one hand on your guts and the other on your butt. Splash water on your face in the bathroom and return to the table with lines like, "I hate splashback." or "It didn't look like that going in."

Step Six: Burning Itch
Scratch a lot. Complain of burning while you pee. Ask Carl what has been happening in local politics since you’ve been overseas in Thailand.

Step Seven: Dutch

Splitting the bill is the universal sign that no one is getting laid. If Carl insists on paying, wait until he hands the waiter his credit card and say your good-bye, insisting that you are about to have a blow-out from the wings tearing through your intestines. If he pays in cash and tells the waiter to keep the change, ask him in a loud voice how his counterfeiting operation is doing. Sneak out when the manager comes to the table.

Step Eight: Fuck him
Oh well. At least you gave it your best shot.


Anonymous said...

Wow. There should be a law against lame blog posts that aren't funny at all.

The Nag said...

I could teach this course.

Thomas said...

That's funny. I used to get laid at meetings all the time. Then again, I was a fetish performer at the time so my experiences probably aren't typical.

Anonymous said...

Poor Carl.

Anonymous said...

Fuck Carl. That guy's a dickhole. Wait! Don't fuck Carl, that guy's a dickhole. -MichaelTheG1 approves of this comment