How Not to Get Laid

Dear Holy Juan~

I have a male friend who I find very interesting, but not *sleep with* interesting. But I want to go out with him because it would be fun. How can I ask him out for a drink without him thinking that I want to get laid?


Dear Wavy Line Marcie,

I am proficient in all fields. I am an expert in several fields. In one field and one field only, I am a Master: Not Getting Laid.

For this letter, your prospective non-date’s name is Carl. (Sorry Carls.)

Step One: Do not say drink in the invitation
Most the time a woman wants to get a drink, she wants to lose her ability to think reasonably and to forget how to keep her pants on. Instead, invite Carl out for lunch or early dinner. Lunch is a definite boner bender. Early dinner suggests you’ve got other people to bang later. I’m not saying you can’t get a drink when you are out, just don’t suggest it in the invite.

Step Two: Call it a meeting
Meetings suck the life out of anyone. No one gets laid at a meeting. When you invite Carl to lunch, say you want to discuss a specific topic that does not include ex-boyfriends. Architecture and retirement are great topics to keep Carl from boning up. Again, you don’t have to discuss that at lunch, but it will keep Carl’s expectations at a bare minimum.

Step Three: Schedule a gynecologist visit right before your meeting
You are weak and might fuck Carl despite your attempt to con me into thinking you don’t want to. As a back up, schedule a Pap or a regular gyno visit right before your meeting with Carl. This will destroy any chance of you wanting to get busy. Ensure you mention that you are late to the lunch because of the gyno appointment and, for added realism, let a speculum fall out of your purse and on to the table. Follow that up with a, “So that’s where that went.”

Step Four: Order Wings
Wings are greasy, disgusting and delicious. A chick eating wings is hot only is she is eating them off your chest during sex. Watching you suck down twelve, greasy wings will turn Carl off. If he starts to get excited watching you lick the sauce off your fingers, remember to mention that wings give you the shits.

Step Five: Burning Itch
Scratch a lot. Complain of burning while you pee. Ask Carl what has been happening in local politics since you’ve been overseas in Thailand.

Step Six: Dutch
Splitting the bill is the universal sign that no one is getting laid. If Carl insists on paying, wait until he hands the waiter his credit card and say your good-bye, insisting that you are about to have a blow-out from the wings tearing through your intestines. If he pays in cash and tells the waiter to keep the change, ask him in a loud voice how his counterfeiting operation is doing. Sneak out when the manager comes to the table.

Step Seven: Fuck him
Oh well. At least you gave it your best shot.


DogsDontPurr said...

Best. Advice. Ever! I knew you'd come through for me. Thanks Holy Juan!

Doug said...

Now that we are friends, please send me photos of your boobs.

DogsDontPurr said...

Hey....that'll cost ya.

DogsDontPurr said...

But I'm worth every penny.

vongosux said...

Most the time a woman wants to get a drink, she wants to lose her ability to think reasonably and to forget how to keep her pants on.

so the women who got raped when drunk wanted to get drunk and raped?

thanks, really, that explains so much.

Doug said...

vongosux you douche... who said anything about rape you mother fucking retard... just because you have to use roofies to get a chick doesn;t mean that every chick who take a drink to get drunk and lose her inhibitions is going to get raped.

Yo are a fucktard and a mommas boy. Eat your tears and drown, buttmunch.

DogsDontPurr said...

Holy are my hero!

Now, please send me pictures of your penis.


vongosux said...

Doug said...

Vongosux, get your f'ing downer content off my site.

Anyone reading this article would never think that it was about rape or the attempt at rape.

You make me retch.

Want to go get a drink sometime?

Anonymous said...

So much little sex...
Anonymous ( the real one)
and I saw no mention of girth in this blog...

Doug said...

Sorry about your anger and your lack of sex.