Ask HolyJuan: Is sex for 30 days straight a good idea?

Dear HolyJuan,

I am hesitant to ask this question, mainly because I know I will get a smart ass answer and secondly because I know I will get a smart ass answer. But here it goes:

A local church here in Tampa is marketing or promoting a "30 Day of Sex" campaign where married parishioners are asked to have sex every day for 30 days and unmarried parishioners are asked to not have sex for 30 days. Somehow this is supposed to help both types of relationships.

Do you feel that this is a positive campaign or is the church just trying to get in the headlines?



Dear Chris,

First off Chris, every single one of my “Ask HolyJuan” answers is carefully crafted to contain relevant content and appropriate language. That being said, here is your smart ass answer.

The answer to all questions church related is to ask yourself, “What Would HolyJuan Do?” Well, shit… I guess that’s what you did by asking me this question in the first place. We’ve got the first part down!

I believe that this is just awful. When I think back to all the times I was in chuch as a child and when I look around in that memory, I see a lot of ugly couples. Now, throw on top of that the thought that when those two really ugly and wrinkly old people woke up that morning, the second thing they did after choking down the day’s pills was to create a sweaty, wrinkle pile. A throbbing mass of liver spotted flesh, writhing in and about itself. The thought of that makes me sick.

The last time I tried something similar to this 30 day sex marathon, it was with gummie bears. My folks gave me what I thought was the greatest gift in the world: a five pound bag of gummie bears. I immediately tore into the bag and that sweet, plastic smell sent me into an eating frenzy. I ate and ate. I paused for an hour and ate again. At first I thought that I couldn’t get sick of them. After two days I did, but I could not stop eating. I’d pass the bag in my room and almost gag, but somehow I’d be popping them in my mouth. I was disgusted with myself, but ate my way through it.

I finished off the bag in about four days. Three weeks later, I finally was able to take a crap and the toilet bowl was filled with Technicolor swirls and streaks. The bathroom smelled like a strip club.

Was I happy? Did over indulgence set me straight? Did I respect the gummie bears more after I stuffed my gullet with them? Did the part about the toilet make you about gag?

So where was I? The moral to the story is that if you can con your spouse into having sex with you for 30 days in a row…. Great! If you can’t, change religions to the one advertised in Tampa or start your own religion and force your spouse to have sex with you. If all that fails… I suggest masturbating to the “casual encounters” photos on Craig’s List. At least someone is getting it.




Amy said...

I'm all for the Marriage part for 30 days. Would be great. Just hope they provide a baby sitter.

DogsDontPurr said...

Wow. From church to sex to gummy bears and back to sex. Holy Juan leads the way!

Anonymous said...

you do that too?

Eric Lester said...

You're really starting to bother my co-worker.