10 Ways to Pretend that you are Straight

I do not believe there is any way to “un-gay” yourself, so you better get used to it. But there are several ways to mask your gay so that your friends and family will think you are straight. I have several friends who are closeted gays and I have helped them to sequester themselves way in the back behind the luggage and the backup ironing board. So with the assumption that you are a gay dude, here are ten ways to hide your man gay:

1. Become a religious leader
No one would ever suspect that a religious leader would be gay. This identity will allow you to hide your sexuality AND persecute others who are brave enough to live their lives. Be careful about over persecution… We all know what confessional those guys are kneeling at.

Whoa! That guy looks 100% straight in that vest! PHOTO CREDIT

2. Wear Wranglers
Gay guys would not be caught dead in Wranglers. Even the guys in Brokeback Mountain wore vintage Lee jeans. Wranglers are straight man camouflage.

No gay man would be caught in these pants. Well... you know what I mean. PHOTO CREDIT

3. Build “Ships in a Bottle”
This isn’t gay, it’s just odd. Concerned family members might attempt to get you dates or involved in social clubs, but they will never suspect your sexuality.

4. Drive a bland, American car
Nothing screams gay like a man driving a 2012, yellow VW bug. Hide yourself behind the wheel of a 2002 Ford Focus. No air freshener or fuzzy dice. A dashboard compass will enhance the illusion. Make sure there are fast food wrappers on the floor and the maps should be folded incorrectly.

5. Don’t eat sushi, calamari or plantains

Those foods sound gay to the uninformed. Also, be careful at Asian restaurants. One order of Moo Goo Gai Pan and your work buddies might start asking questions. General Tso’s Chicken is a sure bet, straight man’s food. Just make sure you mispronounce the Tso part.  Better yet, go to Chick-fil-A.

6. Keep your cash folded lengthwise
By keeping your cash folded lengthwise, everyone will assume that you have been or are going to the nudie bar. When you do pay with cash, tuck the bill into the cashier’s waistband. If it’s a guy cashier, smell the bill as you hand it over and say, “Smells like cotton candy my friend. That’s the one that almost got away.”

Don't fold it too neatly! PHOTO CREDIT

7. Hang out at the hardware store
CAREFUL! As many gay men read my website, you may all pack up, head out the door en mass and end up clustering in the plumbing isle. Spread out. Don’t look at the cabinetry or the appliances. Stick with hand tools or hinges. When a friendly customer service person asks if you need help, reply loudly, “What? You think I’m gay or something?”

8. Don’t have an opinion
At parties, especially during an election year, political and social debate may arise and you might be confronted with a question about same sex marriage or gay parent adoption rights. It’s best to curl your lip, act kind of squeamish and say, “I don’t really have an opinion.” You may think that gay-bashing is in order at this time, but I think we all know that those who bash the loudest are over compensating.

9. Talk about how great a president Ronald Regan was
Simple. Easy. 100% effective. Again, you need to walk a careful line on this one. Don’t talk about Nancy’s clothes or how rugged Ron was in his earlier years. Drop “Cold War” a few times and how disappointed Regan was that he never got to nuke the shit out of anyone. Just shake your head and mumble, “Good ole days.”

10. Have sex with women
I know it’s gross… but sometimes desperate times call for drastic measures.


Rach said...

Wear Wranglers
Gay guys would not be caught dead in Wranglers. Even the guys in Brokeback Mountain wore vintage Lee jeans. Wranglers are straight man camouflage.

And chinos with pleats. Very straight men wear pants with pleats.

Smail said...

Because I know you're wondering, Bossier is nowhere near Baton Rouge.

Carpanza said...

You should have mentioned: Avoid wearing a sweater vest. Only gays and Ohio State Football coaches wear sweater vests.

Steve said...

Ha! AND if you think you are straight and are already doing at least 6 of these on a regular basis, you may be suppressing your gayness to yourself. This may appear to you as an effective masking, but too many times you are the last to know.

marius said...

i don't even know why i clicked on the link...i'm not gay...as far as i know! :))

Duclod said...

if you like shaving cats, try shaving crayons

Anonymous said...

I wish I could mask my straightness to appear gay.
Gay people are so much cooler than "straight" people.

Anonymous said...

hey holyjuan - what method works best for you to hide your gayness?

ohio is for fags!

Jay Fielding said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jay Fielding said...

Marrying Katie Holmes works well, too.

Anonymous said...

As a gay man in Fort Worth Texas, all gay men with class wear wrangler jeans that have been starched. Have you ever seen the handsome men that go into the hardware store? That's an awesome place to pick-up a "manly man". I drive a big Ford pickup and that's about as bland as you can get.

Anonymous said...

This was actually funny. Made me feel humor in a stressful situation. Good job author!!

Anonymous said...

Half this shit is ridiculous. Wrangler jeans? General taos chicken? Lmfao wtf these are all stereotypes and all good ways to make yourself miserable. Do literally whatever thee fuck you like. No need to hide it. Im straight and I wouldnt be caught in wranglers, shits for cowboys. Insted of trying to camoflauge yourself as a masculine douche be yourself and learn to not give a flying fuck about what ppl think. People will judge for the rest of your life. Take into consideration whos opinion really matters, Yours. Learn to grow a set and grow tf up, theres more to life than trying to act as manly as you can.