How to tell if a woman wants to have sex with you.

For many men, it is nearly impossible to tell when a woman wants to have sex with them. It is in a man's best interest to know the signs of when a woman wants to have sex, so that they don’t look foolish getting shut down and/or getting tasered.

So here is how you can tell when a woman wants to have sex with you:

She says, “I want to have sex with you.”
This is the surest and easiest way to find out. It also usually means that if she’s giving in this easy, it is because no one else will have sex with her or she wants to make babies. Before you engage in the act of love with Lazy Eye Susan or Tranny Janice, put on a condom and check to make she is not sleepwalking.

She says, “I don’t think I should have sex with you.”
Do not confuse this with, “No.” No means no and you should back off. “I don’t think I should have sex with you,” however, is a very tricky phrase because of the "don't think". The woman is saying this because she knows she probably shouldn’t have sex with you and is trying to talk herself out of it. What you should do is follow up with, “You are right… we should not have sex.” Be cool. As the night progresses and you play your cards right, she might change her mind. Or she may mace you.

She asks who you voted for
This question is very tricky and only has one right answer. If you say Obama, she’ll think you are patronizing her and going for the easy lay. If you say McCain, she’ll think you are pathetic and go into how Palin was demonized by the media. You should say, Ron Paul, because chicks dig guys who live dangerously or that are crazy and voting for Paul puts you in both categories.

She reveals her shaved status to you
If a woman, during normal conversation, mentions that she has a landing strip, a patch, an arrow, a Mr. Miagi banzai tree, a heart or a scorned falafel… it means that she wants you to be comfortable with it and to know what to look for on your journey to happy land. If she hands you a tick comb and a machete before you head down south, bail.

She sticks her tongue out at you
I’m not sure why women do this, but be assured that if a woman sticks her tongue out at you in a playful manner, you, my friend, are in luck. I’m not sure if it is the playfulness or the act of revealing a moist body part, but either way, you should make your move. Note, sometimes little girls stick their tongues out at people… The rule does not apply in these situations, idiot.

She invites you to her place
If a woman has class and self-dignity, she’ll couch the invite under the auspices of seeing the fabulous view from her bedroom, her new cute-as-a-button puppy or to drink some trendy, exotic tea. If she’s a dirty-girl-sure-thing or just doesn’t care about her reputation in the community, she’ll simply ask you to come home with her to test all the prime numbers on her Sleep Number Bed. Be extremely wary of any woman who asks you home to see her stamp collection or vast collection of power tools. Be extremely cautious of any chick who requests you to help with some light digging or to exfoliate her “ridged monkey” – you might end up being made into furniture.

She asks you to walk her to her car
You have to treat this one carefully. Sometimes, after a date or a night out with friends, a woman is just looking for someone to walk her to her car. But sometimes she is looking to cull you from the herd, to get you alone, so that she can then ask you back to her place. In rare "walk me to my car" instances, you can get a damsel in distress fuck if, by chance, her car battery is dead and you can give her a jump. You can exponentially increase your chances of success by getting to her car beforehand and disconnecting her battery. When you save the day with your jumper cables and freaky mechanical intuition, she will feel obligated to invite you to her place for a cup of coffee to thank you. After that, it’s up to you, sport.

Sure-Fire
If you’re not having any luck getting a girl to flash you any of the aforementioned green-light signals, perhaps you need to lower your standards. Below are a few sure-fire situations where a woman is almost guaranteed to have sex with you:

She’s 43 or older, divorced and it’s her birthday.

She gives you free video-booth tokens at the porno store.

She has the tell-tale DUI yellow license plates on her car (note that colors vary by state, do your homework).

Every time you order a rum and coke, she mouths the word, “coke,” and starts sniffling.

She has to keep closing one eye to see you clearly at the bar… and she only has one eye.

She has a nickname like Flash, Slick, Lucky, Fast n’ Easy or Ruby.

She weighs less than 80 pounds, has sores on her back and/or can’t stop coughing.

She’s from Jersey.

59 comments:

Anonymous said...

Ron Paul - Saving the country and getting you laid.

Anonymous said...

hell yeah Ron Paul he got me hooked up once cuz a girl was like who do u liek and i said RP and she is all i like him too and then came sexy time

jack said...

Posted this link in www.surfurls.com

finer said...

found you on reddit. hilarious read! voted up.

PleX said...

lol great post dude but why would anyone sleep with a chick from Jersey?

Anonymous said...

Jersey girls are scud missiles, and most girls from the east coast are filthy, loud mouthed, ball busting bitches - not sexy at all.

Bitch trash sluts!

Matt said...

best part: she�ll simply ask you to come home with her to test all the prime numbers on her Sleep Number Bed.

Hilarious!

Anonymous said...

Clearly a complete nerd wrote this list. Ron Paul? Give me a break.

Anonymous said...

Don't knock the dirty Jerz, ya stupid fanook.

james said...

I know it sounds crazy, but Ron Paul got me laid too. was in a club, and a girl ask what was under my sweatshirt - it was a hand painted Ron Paul 2008 shirt. It made her wild. we were amking out in less than 5 min, and were soon back at her place. I even made a new T-Shirt with the slogan "Ron Paul got me laid"

Anonymous said...

She asks you for a ride home. Cuz you know, she wants a ride when she gets there.

Anonymous said...

She says, “I don’t think I should have sex with you.”
I can confirm that this method definetly works.

After that comment I naver gave up, stayed cool and focused on the goal and task at hand, about an hour later I had her naked on the bed.

Anonymous said...

My wife likes sex (lucky me). She will usually say "You want to do something?"

Anonymous said...

Yep, I can attest that the Ron Paul thing works very well!

Anonymous said...

yeah, it's true. whenever i say 'i don't think i should have sex with you', or 'i can't' after a kiss, i just say that because i don't want to sound easy, i want the guy to think i hardly have sex with anyone & pretend i'm being taking advantage of, but totally enjoying it.

Anonymous said...

Dude...Ron Paul seriously CAN get you laid. It's less to do with the man and more to do with the TYPE of person who finds RP's policies appealing. I was on a cruise a month ago and RP totally got my foot in the door with this hot little chica from Monterrey Mexico.

True story, there were about 13 people from all over the ship in the hot tub around 2am. 3 girls from Monterrey and the rest of the hot tub was from Texas. (we left from Galveston) As soon as the presidential race was brought up, people started separating into groups. On my right (no shit) were 4 guys from Dallas area. Two of them were cops, with flat top hair cuts and hard-ons for george bush, war, and killing anyone foreign or domestic who disagreed with them.

On my left were 5 dems (3 guys 2 girls) arguing about Clinton/Obama. 1 of the dem girls was a lesbian from Idaho and she was (obviously?) for Clinton. She was loud and combative (and really drunk) and almost got us all kicked out of the hot tub twice. It was worth it though just to see how pissed off she made the right-wing cops.

Finally, directly across from me were 3 of the most beautiful Mexican women in their early twenties. The second I announced my allegiance to RP they floated across the hot tub and began to test my knowledge of RP and his platform. (Two of the girls were poli-sci majors)

Now, I didn't hook up with them that night, but we hung out the rest of the week. Guess which "clue(s)" she dropped to let me know I was in? It was a combination of the "walk me to my room" and "come listen to my ipod (invites you to her place)"

So, yes, RP can get you laid. ESPECIALLY with non-americans. The girls from Monterrey explained later that in their experience, most Americans were completely oblivious to how the USA is perceived by the rest of the world. Furthermore, those same Americans were unable to rationally discuss politics without becoming rude or childish. I was the exception to that rule as far as they were concerned and my affinity for RP instantly got my foot in the door.

zibble said...

What the h is a “ridged monkey”?

Doug said...

You'll know it when you see it.

Gorillamime said...

hah love the from Jersey line.
im a native, and i have no problem letting everyone know that the most repugnant jerk-off can land the sexiest little piece of shore-line trash in the room with nothing more than a cocky attitude

sachin said...

Hi Doug! I think you have given me the best information that I have ever found.. Really Women want to have sex and they hesitate. But the clues or tips that you have given can make every man successful in having sex with the women with whom he wanted to have

Anonymous said...

Why is it that a woman who says "I want to have sex with you" is automatically considered ugly or unfortunate?

A man who said the same thing certainly wouldn't be thought of that way.

Woman have every right to want, or not want, to have sex with someone, regardless of how they look. Don't stereotype them just because they are as free with their sexuality as a man can be.

Doug said...

Who said anything about ugly? I think you have issues you are bringing to my table.

Get you elbows off my table!

Anonymous said...

I sat and giggled so loud to this my husband was asleep on the couch and woke up to ask me what was so funny! ROFLMAO!

Anonymous said...

i, being female, can attest to the "i don't think i should have sex with you" line. in my case, at least, i'm usually just trying to talk myself out of it.

Doug said...

What are you doing later tonight?

Anonymous said...

lol RON PAUL - Saving the US and getting YOU laid.
awesome

Anonymous said...

Is the entry
"She sticks her tongue out at you"
true?

JD from Hoeno said...

That Ron Paul thing is good to know but I'd only have sex with a woman if SHE liked Ron Paul. I'm picky that way, maybe. Also, I'm not crazy...but I do think the Federal Reserve system is crazy. Okay, I'll shut up, now.

Anonymous said...

I'm from Jersey! :D

JCD said...

Nice one. Ron Paul part was the best.

Ron Paul 2012: The r3VOLution continues.

Cheryl said...

Hahaha. love it.

Peter North said...

Figure you might want to share your source, dude:

http://www.hoodfever.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4577

sedgehurst said...

"Maybe we can work out a Fibonacci sequence on my sleep number bed"

"I like 28. You like 84? Lets find out what 84 divided by 28 is . . ."

"Well, my sleep number is 45 but any setting less than 70 won't stand up to my kind of punishment."

Doug said...

You, Peter North. It's the other way around, they need to share their source.

I wrote this a while back in 2007 and just recently cleaned it up.

They stole this from me. Not unusual.

Anonymous said...

Peter North,

http://www.holyjuan.com/2007/11/how-can-you-tell-if-woman-wants-to-have.html

Note the URL. November, 2007.

Nice try troll.

Doug said...

Hello Peter North,

You have bad information and I forgive you for calling me a troll.

Here's the web archive from the original post in 2007:

http://web.archive.org/web/20071215145621/http://www.holyjuan.com/

Your source posted it in 2008.

I do not see where the problem is.

I do not steal content. But thanks for looking out for the internet.

Anonymous said...

Ron Paul for the Win

Anonymous said...

I just got laid and it was with the car battery trick... it really worked. I just got done about a half an hour ago

Anonymous said...

im 16 does some of this stuff like the i dont think i should have sex with u line apply to girls my age?

Anonymous said...

WHAT THE FUCK THAT WAS THE WORST ADVICE EVER.I GOT BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF A HIGH HEEL FOOLOWING YOUR ADVICE. YOU CAN GO FUCK YOUR MOM MRS SLUT SHITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT>

Anonymous said...

I just want to shoot my load in every female on earth

Anonymous said...

haha, this is some funny shit. ron paul haha thats my nigga

Anonymous said...

There is a hot married lady in my office who keeps on giving me compliments about my looks, physique etc... Is she interested in having sex with me?? Should i make a move first or wait for her to ask??

Anonymous said...

Holy shit, I almost got laid by my teacher after class, I'm scarred for life!!! >P

Anonymous said...

my older brother's girlfriend sticks her tongue out at me alot playfully when its just her and I. but i didn't think too much of it and one time she was like do you want me to make you a milkshake? and started like humping the wall in a sexy way. and she asks me to walk down me down to my room when i hang with her and my bro at night. so i don't know she's very hot and i would definitly do her in a heartbeat but i don't want to mess up my relationship with my brother. by the way im a boy and were both teenagers (bro's girlfriend and I) and two and half years apart

Anonymous said...

READ THIS!! a womans orgasm takes longer then mend so you can't be straight forward lure her in because a womans trigger is 26% unlike a mans 75% so do it at the right time PS: a man thinks more about sex than a woman

Anonymous said...

This totally worked! It turns out she was from Jersey...

generic cialis said...

The first few signs seem like a difficult guessing game. I'll take my chances though, hopefully I won't have to go for the sure-fires.

Anonymous said...

I just ask if I can blow my load in there pussy holes

Anonymous said...

Whoever wrote this is a dumbass. Point blank.

John Smoths said...

Funny post! This is duplicate content tho @Doug is correct - check on Google or Wayback. Still great to know how to fuck a girl though lol!

Anonymous said...

Well,
a woman older than me, divorced with a child,
after communicating with her via text messages just to neutrally know how she's doing, i end the text often this way, stay sweet.
It had happened several times and just yesternight i said again, sweet day ahead.
This was her reply;
"sweet? Your are very funny. I'm am feeling a little feisty but i'm trying to be gentle. I'm honest."

please what does that imply?
insulting? Or something else?
please i need a guide.

Anonymous said...

Thats how i met my wife. Now i have three kids divorced and paying child support and living at my moms. Be carefull with this one.

Anonymous said...

I think whoever wrote this pile of shit and included politics with in the first 5 paragraphs of conversation is one who doesn't get laid and therefore probably shouldn't be giving out advice on whether a women, does or does not wanna fuck your brains out.
Get a grip fella...If shes coming home with you...shes going to eventually fuck you..unless you have absolutely no swagger..And in that case....you better have the cash to go and get yourself a piece of ass brother! LMAo

Anonymous said...

So hey... Wanna Fuck? :D

Anonymous said...

Ron Paul, nice! I am jealous I had a RP shirt I wore it out, but I never got laid, hardly even got a hug. I did meet a lesbian dj who was into dating dorky guys, so me and her we never got close.

Anonymous said...

I have a question what if she wears a see thru shirt and no bra what does that mean

Anonymous said...

Big erection coming! Good wank needed, thanks for the tips.

Anonymous said...

a lot of these things that were listed happened to me with all kinds of girls but i sometimes was thinking about other shit that i completely ignored the hints. im dumb but its funnywhen i did get the hints i would totally make sweet love to them cuz it was mutual atrraction...good times still happening