As it turns out, parents do dumb, stupid and idiotic things and you'd never know because no one talks about it. Here are a few of those things that they will never admit to doing. I am an extremely good parent and deny any such activities. Deny, deny, deny.
This is the biggie that very few parents fess up to, but of which some are guilty at various levels. Physical punishment really does not work in the long run. But when your kid keeps pushing your buttons and the button on top your buttons, you just want to smack them upside the head. Of course, I know you don't.
2. Laugh at their suffering
For the eighth time you told little Billy to not run through the kitchen with his socks. The ninth time he slips and falls and hits his little head. Scooping him up, you rub the knot on the back of his head, quietly snickering to yourself, “I told you so...”
I know we lie to our children for their own good. Santa. The tooth fairy. Sex. God. But sometimes we lie just because we fucked up and cannot let them know that we are mortal. Lies like, “I didn’t say that,” when you did or “We’ll get a toy next time,” when you wont. Be careful. Those little bastards have a rock solid memory and will call you out. If they do, see #1.
4. Forget to buckle them in their car seat
When precious is fighting from getting in the car seat and your cell phone rings you might forget to strap your kid in. It happens. You get to where you are going and when you go to unfasten the kid, they are all ready unbuckled. That’s when you pretend to unbuckle them so that they don’t know the difference and don’t say to the other parent that you didn’t buckle them in last time. That will get you all sorts of “unfit parent” BS from the other spouse when you know full well they have forgotten too.
5. Eat the last of the child's fun food
I have had the last fruit roll up about thirty times.
6. Make frozen pancakes when there’s mix in the cupboard and eggs in the refrigerator.
This one covers a lot of bases. Basically it is taking a short-cut when you should actually be doing “the right thing.” This includes letting your kid watch TV when you should be interacting with them, calling grandma instead of going to visit and allowing your kid have a TV in their room (the greatest of all parental sins. You know who you are.)
7. Forget about a child
This one can end in tragedy, but this is a light hearted piece so we will keep it on the up and up. Most the time you forget, it ends up with you leaving for work, going back in to grab your coffee and seeing junior sitting quietly on the couch waiting for you to take him to school. Oops! Or getting home from work and having your spouse ask you if you picked up junior from practice. Oops! Most parents have done it, but they’ll never tell.
8. Cuss in front of the kids
If you get cut off in traffic, you will drop an f-bomb. If you hit your hand with a hammer, you will say “shit.” If you burn your hand on the stove, you’re guaranteed a resounding “mother fuck.” When little Sarah comes home from school with a note saying she said “Fuck shit mother fuck,” you will blame the neighbor kid. It worked in “A Christmas Story” and it works for you… with this one, you are really lying to yourself, but you know the truth.
9. Listen to inappropriate music with the kids around
I will listen to Howard Stern on satellite radio until someone cusses or they start talking about VA-GI-NAS. This means I get to listen for about fifteen seconds. Some parents are OK with listening to graphic rap or crappy pop in front of their kids. I like hearing my son going around singing, “Hey, hey, you, you, I don’t like your girlfriend,” or “Go Shorty, it’s your burfday. We gonna drink Bacardi like it's mah burfday.” I have to pretend like he heard it at the neighbor kid’s birthday party. (Which he did. (Really.))
10. Let your kid see you naked
Your kid will see you naked. Hopefully not during your fifteen seconds of awkward lovemaking. The question is at what age do you cut them off without making it look like you are trying to hide your bits and pieces? The answer is that healthy, good looking people can be naked all the time around their kids. It gives the children an excellent example to live up to. If you are an ugly mess, cover your shame as no kid needs to see that. But either way, don’t let other people know you are naked around your kid. That’s just sick.