Ten Things Parents Will Never Admit

As it turns out, parents do dumb, stupid and idiotic things and you'd never know because no one talks about it. Here are a few of those things that they will never admit to doing. I am an extremely good parent and deny any such activities. Deny, deny, deny.

1. Spanking
This is the biggie that very few parents fess up to, but of which some are guilty at various levels. Physical punishment really does not work in the long run. But when your kid keeps pushing your buttons and the button on top your buttons, you just want to smack them upside the head. Of course, I know you don't.

2. Laugh at their suffering

For the eighth time you told little Billy to not run through the kitchen with his socks. The ninth time he slips and falls and hits his little head. Scooping him up, you rub the knot on the back of his head, quietly snickering to yourself, “I told you so...”

3. Lie
I know we lie to our children for their own good. Santa. The tooth fairy. Sex. God. But sometimes we lie just because we fucked up and cannot let them know that we are mortal. Lies like, “I didn’t say that,” when you did or “We’ll get a toy next time,” when you wont. Be careful. Those little bastards have a rock solid memory and will call you out. If they do, see #1.

4. Forget to buckle them in their car seat

When precious is fighting from getting in the car seat and your cell phone rings you might forget to strap your kid in. It happens. You get to where you are going and when you go to unfasten the kid, they are all ready unbuckled. That’s when you pretend to unbuckle them so that they don’t know the difference and don’t say to the other parent that you didn’t buckle them in last time. That will get you all sorts of “unfit parent” BS from the other spouse when you know full well they have forgotten too.

5. Eat the last of the child's fun food
I have had the last fruit roll up about thirty times.

6. Make frozen pancakes when there’s mix in the cupboard and eggs in the refrigerator.
This one covers a lot of bases. Basically it is taking a short-cut when you should actually be doing “the right thing.” This includes letting your kid watch TV when you should be interacting with them, calling grandma instead of going to visit and allowing your kid have a TV in their room (the greatest of all parental sins. You know who you are.)

7. Forget about a child
This one can end in tragedy, but this is a light hearted piece so we will keep it on the up and up. Most the time you forget, it ends up with you leaving for work, going back in to grab your coffee and seeing junior sitting quietly on the couch waiting for you to take him to school. Oops! Or getting home from work and having your spouse ask you if you picked up junior from practice. Oops! Most parents have done it, but they’ll never tell.

8. Cuss in front of the kids
If you get cut off in traffic, you will drop an f-bomb. If you hit your hand with a hammer, you will say “shit.” If you burn your hand on the stove, you’re guaranteed a resounding “mother fuck.” When little Sarah comes home from school with a note saying she said “Fuck shit mother fuck,” you will blame the neighbor kid. It worked in “A Christmas Story” and it works for you… with this one, you are really lying to yourself, but you know the truth.

9. Listen to inappropriate music with the kids around
I will listen to Howard Stern on satellite radio until someone cusses or they start talking about VA-GI-NAS. This means I get to listen for about fifteen seconds. Some parents are OK with listening to graphic rap or crappy pop in front of their kids. I like hearing my son going around singing, “Hey, hey, you, you, I don’t like your girlfriend,” or “Go Shorty, it’s your burfday. We gonna drink Bacardi like it's mah burfday.” I have to pretend like he heard it at the neighbor kid’s birthday party. (Which he did. (Really.))

10. Let your kid see you naked
Your kid will see you naked. Hopefully not during your fifteen seconds of awkward lovemaking. The question is at what age do you cut them off without making it look like you are trying to hide your bits and pieces? The answer is that healthy, good looking people can be naked all the time around their kids. It gives the children an excellent example to live up to. If you are an ugly mess, cover your shame as no kid needs to see that. But either way, don’t let other people know you are naked around your kid. That’s just sick.


Will Friday said...

In most cases you are probably completely correct. But for me, I decided long ago that I will not lie to my kids. I have seven kids so I've had plenty of opportunity to lie. But my philosopy is that I will always be who I am. If my kids are there, I sometimes have to explain my actions. But I believe that honesty is critical. Sometimes the answer to their questions is that Dad is just an imperfect human being who makes mistakes. If it matters to anyone, I have five adult children and they are all well adjusted human beings. The first two are college graduates and have married people who respect them for who they are. The other two adults are living with their chosen partners and are making plans to put each other through school. I've got two beautiful grandchildren and I treat them the same way I treated my kids. The kids never shy away from bringing their kids over to my place. They apparently appreciate my honesty. They know I won't lie to their kids and it's ok. Last week, I babysat my 10 month old granddaughter and it was one of the best days of my life.

I think life is too short to live a lie. I don't make excuses for myself. I'm a nudist and an atheist and all my kids know it. But they know I won't fill their kids heads with nonsense. Personally, I can't see what all the hand wringing is all about.

Doug said...

This type of well thought out and honest commentary has no place on a web site such as mine. You are a better, and much more naked, man than I will ever be.

Thanks for the comment and good luck!

Michele said...

Loved it! And #9 had me almost spitting coffee all over my computer!

I have teenagers and they listen to that crap.. Not Howard Stern. So they run around singing all the time. No Big. But I have seen a 2-yr-old run around saying "I'm watching you focker" well, we all know what that really sounds like. LOL

Thanks for the laugh!

Kilian said...

1. Spanking
I'm totally against violence against children. And if you properly educate your little one by not only telling them you musn't do x or y, but explaining them why, most of them will learn and accept. (you need lots of time to convince them and you need to talk to them a lot and sometimes repeat the same stuff over and over and over).

After a while they get the idea. Also important praise them excessively when they've done something right. Scold them hard when they do wrong. Worked for me great. It is a fact that we learn much less under stress (fear) than with a good motivaion (praise etc. when we succeed)

2. Laugh at their suffering
You're sick. I don't know what's funny about the suffering or pain of others. I could understand if you feel like that with stupid adults, because they should know better, but children are just learning by doing. Telling them often doesn't help.

3. Lie
I don't lie to my children. I just explain everything thoroughly, or simplify things (sex, birth), so they can grasp the idea. There's nothing wrong or bad about sex, so why not tell them in words and dimensions that enables them to get the gist of what's going on.

4. Forget to buckle them in their car seat
Combined with number 2, this makes you look more and more irresponsible as a parent.

5. Eat the last of the child's fun food

6. Make frozen pancakes when there’s mix in the cupboard and eggs in the refrigerator.
That's probably a typical American problem, that's also part of the explanation why 50% or so of you are obese I guess.

7. Forget about a child
You're not serious. Are you one of the parents that forget the baby in the car and when coming back find it has died by heat stroke?

8. Cuss in front of the kids
Happened to me when my boy was still a baby, but I then trained myself really hard not to use those words again, and funny enough if you adjust your habituation, after a while you naturally use the harmless words when something goes wrong.

9. Listen to Howard Stern and/or age-inappropriate music with the kids around

10. Let your kid see you naked
"But either way, don’t let other people know you are naked around your kid. That’s just sick."

You are sick thinking there's something wrong about that, at least as long as your kids are under 10. Kids have no issue being naked in front of others themselves. I live in Japan now, and here it is natural that parents bathe with their children regardless of gender etc. This is natural. We sleep in the same bed.

I guess that also why people in the US have such a sick and distorted relation to sex and nakedness. You've been born naked. What's wrong about that? And you owe your existence to the fact that your parents had sex. What's wrong about that?

M said...

HELLO!! these are jokes! Lighten up people. My Word! Do you find something wrong in everything you read?

Doug said...

Oh my god M, let me buy you a drink!

Seriously people...

Doug said...

Oh! And the "You Americans" bullshit...

And you Germans can go blow yourselves you self righteous turds.

Anonymous said...

Some ppl just have NO sense of humor. I enjoyed being a mom to my 2 boys and I can honestly say that one of the things I learned was not only to laugh at them sometimes, but at myself most of all. If you can't take life lightly you'll just make yourself and those around you bitter and resentful. And Americans aren't the only ppl in the world that make mistakes. I haven't met a parent from ANY country yet that doesn't regret SOMETHING in their past.

Adam Whittaker said...

Kilian: if you're not a troll then you're an arse.

Greg Cordle said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Miss Cellania said...

I found it funny as it was intended to be. But I will admit to some of these, like eating the last of the fun food, sure! Its payback for eating their other leftovers all the time anyway. And laughing at their suffering is natural sometimes if your kids are drama queens and "suffer" at the slightest indignity.

As far as nudity goes, we only have one gender in this home, so we treat it as no big deal. My kids know what's appropriate outside of the home.

jp said...

my kid caught me smoking.............

Doug said...

My mom used to smoke behind the garage. She tried to hide it but we all knew...

Wait... mom?

Anonymous said...

Killian needs to get laid

Kath said...

Haha, okay, from the point of view of someone who is still called a kid, this is hilarious, and it does happen.
I was spanked as a child, and I have learned humility, and I have respect for those around me, not least my elders. The lesson is that everything you do has its own consequences. There was always a warning: "If you don't leave your sick sister alone to sleep, you will get a spanking." Hey, fair warning, fair punishment.
Kids do stupid things. They learn things by making mistakes. Sadly, this is all too often after being warned not to... I just had to see for myself that fire was hot! It's funny. Get over yourself.
Lie... hmm. Best if avoided, but in SOME cases, is certainly understandable. Seriously. And Santa's just too much fun to pass up.
When forgetting serious safety issues, it may be time to slow life down a bit...
So that's what happened to all the fun food...
Uhm, shortcuts happen. Again, get over yourselves and international steriotypes. I take shortcuts in cooking all the time. And am not anywhere near obese. What a concept.
HAHA I will never forget waiting for Dad to pick me up an hour after a soccer game and taking me straight to the emergency room for the ankle I sprained at the beginning of the game...
There are trying situations, and we all try not to cuss around kids, but it happens. Usually followed by a "but you should never repeat that word, okay?"
And that's a matter of widening your music taste to include things that are cool, but won't lead to such lines from small people.
uhm, wha? Whatever...

We, in the lovely, average US, have a much different culture than many responding. There are a lot of us attempting to understand your cultures, it'd be nice if you would try to understand ours, too, instead of just marking it off as stupid.

Anonymous said...

I've found packets of condoms in my parents rooms and whn I asked what they were...the said its for constipations!!!