Parental Myths That No Parent Will Tell You About

Here are a few items that every parent, pre-parent or misguided parent should know. Sorry Mom and Dad.

Parents love their children equally
Bottom line, one kid is always going to be better, and thus liked more, than the others for some unknown, visceral reason. Either because they were the first or have more personality or they are smarter than the others. Parents also seem to like the child that physically resembles them the most. I’m not saying there is a whole lot of difference in the amount of love, but deep in the back of their minds, parents all ready have their “Sophie’s Choice” choice made up. If you are an only child, congrats. If you are adopted and there are natural brothers and sisters, you are screwed.

Parents check in to see how their child is sleeping
Parents “check in” on their kids every so often during nap or night time. As an outsider, you may think that it is simply to see if the child is awake. In actuality, it is to see if the kid is dead or not breathing. The relief gained from having a not-dead child is priceless.

Having two kids is twice as hard as having one kid
Sadly that's wrong. Here is the math:
-Having one child is like having one child
-Having two children is like having four children
-Having three kids is like having five kids
-Having four kids is like having two kids.
When you have one kid, as a parental team, have shared the responsibility of taking care of one kid. Once you have two, that whole little unwritten sharing contract is out the door. You now must put out four times the effort to manage the two kids. Once you have three kids, the ratio starts to go down. Four kids might as well be none because you can split them into two teams and pit them against each other. If you have five kids, obviously the other wives can help to take care of all the little darlings.

Scientific studies say that sugar actually does not make your child hyper
Wrong. Sugar does make your kid hyper and I don’t care what scientific studies say as I have seen the effects. Not only does it make them hyper during and after consumption, it makes them pre-hyper. If kids know about the existence of candy within a five mile radius, which they do, they will desire it. Because kids only know how to eat and how to crap, that candy will fill 90% of their reality. And their reality will be jumping up and down and screaming. They want it and that’s it. Once you give it to them, they want more. If you deny them, they will kid bitch and a kid bitching sucks.

My child is advanced
Every parent believes that their kid is somehow smarter than other kids and they will share this information with you often and repeatedly. Wrong. Your child is just as not-smart as the rest. They may be advanced in some area, but that's the only area the parent will focus. Kids are only as smart as you let them be. I suggest a daily dose of brow beatings to drop of heavy load of self doubt on your kid. Self doubters work harder and make more money so they can take care of you later in life. Unless your little Einstein is reading and writing at age three, go sit down. If they are reading and writing at age three, my kid with low self esteem is going to beat them up.

Having kids ruins your sex life

Ok, you’ve got me on this one.

39 comments:

Anonymous said...

How true...but only us parents will understand these things.

Anonymous said...

It always makes you feel good to drag everyone else down into your particular misery, huh?

Anonymous said...

Hi! Brilliant, what else can I say???

Except for one little detail - your last comment - I assume that your kids are under 10. Actually, your sex life doesn't have to suck after they pretty much can take care of themselves. And if your wife is giving you the "not now" "they're watching" "they may be listening" crap, just find a way to be alone with her :-))) and remind her of how good sex used to be (assuming that it you were really good at it, of course).

So the good news is - if you are a parent and your sex life sucks, don't despair just yet, chances are that you will again rock the boat even better than before :-))

Take care and keep up the good postings :-)

(a parent in Portugal)

Anonymous said...

Funny and, well, kinda true. Have two kids myself (5 & 7). But our sex life is great; actually never been better. But that is thanks to internet adult shops and not the brats ;-)

Anonymous said...

Maybe you should just let other people raise your kids. Just not your parents; they've fucked up.

Anonymous said...

absolutely true about checking on the kids just to make sure they are not dead! it is always my sole reason for checking on my two year old!!!

Anonymous said...

Ok...I have one child...
I left my husband...
I am not having sex...
I am screwed.
At least my kid is the smartest most brilliant child on the face of the earth!
Did I mention how beautiful he is also?
anonymous (the real one)

Chris said...

Loved it! "Having two kids is twice as hard as having one kid." I subscribe to the exponential theory of relationships: One person only relates to him/herself. Two relate to themselves and to each other = 4 relationships. Have a kid, now you have 3 people and 9 relationships. This is why having more kids makes it get completely out of hand. And if you have other wives to help, that only increases the number of relationships...exponentially!!

RickySilk said...

You nailed it.

Josa said...

My two older children both have IQs north of 150 (well North). I have documentary proof. And I go in to kiss the youngest when he is asleep because the rest of the time he is moving around to much to linger over and adore. So there. Love the post!

Bob said...

>>Just not your parents; they've fucked up.

Grandparents and grandkids are natural allies because they have the same enemy!

Anonymous said...

my 3 childrin has an IQs 150 well north +1

Anonymous said...

My 2 1/2 year old can read some already.

Anonymous said...

My kid was playing the violin and composing before your kids! He also did the IQ test before any of you here, so shut up!

Anonymous said...

I disagree on the kid numbers. Think of a Basketball:
1 kid = 1 kid; double covered.
2 kids = 2 kids; man on man.
3 kids = 5 kids; Zone!

Also, the wildcard factor is age differences. My third is 5 & 7 years younger than my older two. When the older one go off to camp in the summer, it's actually HARDER - we have to play with, bathe, take care of the littlest instead of getting the big ones to help.

Anonymous said...

is that it...

Anonymous said...

my kids gay already, now shut it...

Anonymous said...

I sincerely hope my kids are smarter than others (grin). In case that doesn't pan out, (forgot who said this first) I've been whispering in their ears as they sleep:

"Think Scholarship"

Anonymous said...

Don't much agree with the above but I'll add my math-based observation: Going from 1 child to 2 children is 100% more kids; 2 to 3 children is easier: only 50% more kids.

I would also add that most parents love their kids equally, just not necessarily the same, and usually not at the same time.

Stu said...

Not sure if you're being cynical or just trying to be funny.

Either way you failed miserably and your assertions are mostly wrong - about the only one I can have any agreement with is the 'check in on the children' but in our case is was valid as he was born 3mths premature and suffered with sleep apnoea.

Doug said...

Well spoken Stu. You opinion is about as good as your genes.

AjNewky www.rebootthis.275mb.com said...

lol about the first.... I am an only child AND I am adopted... xD so what the fuck does that mean? "Congrats, you are screwed"?

Doug said...

It means that your parents love you a whole lot and the world is filled with daisies and candy.

Congrats!

ProudMOM said...

And that is way I only had one child, and he is smarter than me most of the time, but what makes him smart is tha fact that he knows he is not a genious and he works harder to get good grades. About the sex and children, I would not know, left the father 14 years ago, that actually improved my sex life by 300%
Yes I checked on my son when he was a baby to see if he was still alive, later on to make sure he wasn't too hot or too cold, but that's normal to do until they are a certain age, then you sleep trough the night like a baby, sugar does make a child hyper, but it's ok I know you are just kidding with this post, but it actually made me laugh, so thanks for that !

Gurpreet said...

good one

Elizabeth said...

You need to add one more myth:

Parents lose their sense of humor when their child is born.

Although it's not a myth for some people, obviously.

Doug said...

For whom, you? Lighten up Beth! This is a place of fun and humor.

Don't take everything so seriously.

Anonymous said...

My kids enjoy making big poops. They know how to make dad proud.
Larry

Ms. K said...

My kid can beat up your kid.

Anonymous said...

>Parents check in to see how their child is sleeping ...The relief gained from having a not-dead child is priceless.

Right on the nose. This applies to cat owners wrs to elderly cats too.

Anonymous said...

I guess it never occurs to some people that others don't want kids and potentially don't like them.

For once put yourself in our thoughts and consider how you appear to us:
Constantly slapping your kid pictures in our face, bragging about "lil' johnny" when we could care less, my kids this, my kids that, blah blah blah.

Sort of like you not caring for a particular species of pet, yet there's this one chick who just won't stop flapping her gums about it.
But, when it comes to kids you people just can't comprehend why others could possibly dislike them.
The kid bitching over candy bit is one of many perfect examples.

IMAN OMAR said...

This is possibly the best that you've written. I'm young, loved it, and realized your grim humour! I don't take you seriously at all and yet, see a little inconvenient truth in it. Good job!

Anonymous said...

I loved your checking on babies comment, but have to add my own 2 cents ... you check on the firstborn baby constantly, even waking him/her up by jiggling the kid or crib when you can't tell if they're breathing. By the time the second one is born, you're reduced to listening for the middle-of-the-night feeding cries from your own bed via baby monitor. This first time baby #2 sleeps through the 2:00 a.m. feeding you lie in bed thinking, "Either the baby is sleeping through the night or he/she is dead, and since I'm not going to disturb a sleeping baby, the rest can wait until morning."

The Nag said...

I checked the comments to see why this particular post got so many. Now I know: Anonymous is stalking your blog.

Doug said...

This is a re-post from a few months ago. It was picked up from a few sites and had a few hits.

Now, I've got the flu and my head is not clear. I edited it a bit and re-posted.

My three fans are going to yell at me for this.

Amy said...

so true. its sad

karla said...

My three fans are going to yell at me for this.

i wasn't going to say anything... lol

but i am so glad my googlereader is picking you back up again. sheesh!

Anonymous said...

What words..

Matt said...

OMG this is too good.. parents really do have favorites! I wonder what would happen if we told them?