Some people will spend a lifetime trying to figure out their relationship. Using simple correlations between Sesame Street characters and typical, screwed up relationships, I have created a way for you to understand where you are in your love sphere and how quickly that bubble will probably burst.
The Kermit and Miss Piggy
This is the most basic of all relationships. The girl knows exactly what she wants. The guy isn't so sure. Pretty soon, she convinces him through a combination of sweet talk, screaming and simple karate chops that they should be together forever.
You have no idea why you are dating this person. They drive you nuts. They don’t know what they want. They annoy the fuck out of you. All you know is that they give good hugs and you can't help but love them.
The Cookie Monster
Desire is the foundation to any relationship. Cookie Monster desires only one thing. Men only desire one thing. Men will promise you dinner for the cookie. They will promise you faithfulness for the cookie. They will marry you for the cookie. Once you stop giving them the cookie or if the cookie starts to have less chips and more saturated fats, they may look for another cookie jar. C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me.
The worst kind of a relationship. You tell all your friends about this great person that you’ve met and they don’t believe you because they never actually seen them. You tell your firends to meet you out at the bar and when they show up, your date has just left. What’s worse is that they begin to think you are completely crazy and when they do meet this person, they think that they are a paid escort and will never take you seriously again. You start to think that maybe your lover doesn’t want anyone to know about the relationship. But your doubt is overcome by your love. You are fucked, Bird.
The Sugapuelffuns or The Reverse Snuffleupagus
This is a relationship where you do not what your friends to know about your lover. They will see you with someone, ask about who they are and you will reply, “I don’t know who you are talking about.” You’ll be seen together at a restaurant and later deny it. You will avoid each other at parties, but sneak out at the same time. You lover will ask, “When will I get to meet your friends?” and you will not have a good answer. This relationship is destined not to end well.
You are too smart and witty to realize that YOU ARE GAY! Quit wearing Maria as a beard and sing this phrase after me, "H is for Homosexual, that's good enough for me!"
The Oscar the Grouch
When given the choice between adapting to societal norms or living alone in a garbage can, you made the right decision. You are the smartest person alive. And the grumpiest because you aren't getting any.
Sometimes the shy type will win you over. Mainly because you can dominate them and make them do whatever you want. Going out with friends for ten nights in a row can strain a relationship. When you date an Elmo, just give them a little tickle and head out the door. If you bring home another "friend" for the evening, go inside alone and turn Elmo to face the pillows. What Elmo doesn't know can't hurt Elmo.
The Count von Count
Two words: anal retentive. If you are dating the Count, be prepared to be told how many times you’ve left the seat up/down and how many days it’s been since you’ve said I love you. Sure, the eyepiece is romantic at first, but you will soon grow weary of the cape cleaning bills, the sharp nose pokes to the eye and the fangs. The only good thing is that you will know when they are done criticizing you once the lighting bolt strikes. Ah ah ah!
The Ernie and Bert
You will probably be very happy in this bi-polar relationship, but you will also be very gay.
The Gordon and Susan
The perfect relationship. She loves him. He loves her. Sometimes they fight, but they always work it out in the end. The reason why this relationship works so well has to do with love, but has to do more with the fact that she thinks she is slightly better than him and he thinks he is slightly better than her. As long as they keep that to themselves, they will always be together.
You act tough during the day about how being single is empowering and that no other person or disability can keep you from reaching your goals as an individual. At night you masturbate yourself to sleep and wake up more depressed than the day before when you can’t hear the alarm clock go off.
The Yip Yips
No one understands your relationship. No one needs to. You go everywhere together. You both need each other to survive. You may disagree with each other at first, but you will always agree in the end. You read the same Earth book, book books. You run off the same clock. Bong! Bong! And at the end of a long day, you swallow your own head and rest peacefully until the next morning. Oh, did I mention no sex?
The Mr. Hooper
You are too old to care. You just want the stupid kids to buy something and get out. You'll die lonely, but content.
The Luis and Maria
You cannot have this relationship because it is fake. For years, many were conned into thinking that this couple were married in real life. They were not. Like Mary, mother of Jesus, Maria was knocked up by someone else and poor Luis had to take the blame. They raised the child together on the show, but we all know who the real father is. I'm looking at you, inchworm.