Tips for guys who are having trouble picking up girls

If you are a guy and having problems picking up girls, please allow me to help you. I have over 27 years of past experience not being able to pick up girls. I then employed several of these methods and got myself a real catch. Here’s what you need to do:

Dump your current friends
If you aren’t able to pick up girls, it probably has to do with the company you keep. I feel the best method for meeting girls is to utilize a friend to be the good cop or the bad cop. If your current friends are as hopeless as you or they don’t have the time to help you out because they all ready have a girl, get rid of them. What you really need is a Handsome Joe as a friend. He’ll play the good cop to your bad cop. He’ll like the blonde so you can have the brunette. The beer commercials call him your wingman. I call him the Handsome Joe. Get rid of your Brian or John and get yourself a Handsome Joe.

Move
You probably can’t pick up girls because you are stuck in a rut or Lorain, Ohio. The same bars. The same social scene. You are the fan of the same local sports team that everyone else is. You are scared to change at home because you’d have to lie to be different and you have enough trouble being confident in your sorry self. So pack up and get out. Move somewhere else and be yourself. In a different town, you’ll stand out because you like stuff from your old town and you will seem foreign and romantic. You’ll order a hogie and girls at the sub shop will think you are speaking French. (Chicks dig French.) You’ll go to the sports bar in “Team B” jersey and girlswho grew up with “Team A” will think you are a bad boy. If all else fails, you can move back home and bring some essence from the last town back home with you. Tell harrowing stories of how you stood up for “Team B” and ate foreign food and took public transportation.

Learn French
Chicks dig French. You don’t have to learn the whole language or verb tenses. Just pick up 50 – 60 words and learn the accent. Mix in a few real French words with French inflections on American words and you’ll be set. If you run into a girl who does speak French, pretend you are from Serbia and that you are just learning English and French. Then fake a groin pull and get out of there. (Excusez-moi, j'ont tirĂ© mon aine. Je devrai partir maintenant. Merci.)

Wash your clothes in Baby Detergent
I know this sounds completely f’d up, but stick with me. It is a well known fact that all women love babies. Babies tend to have a certain smell about them that when it isn’t poop or breast milk breath, is the crazy scent they put into the baby laundry detergent. These marketing folks started adding a scent into baby detergent years ago and all humans have evolved into believing that babies actually smell that way. With a hint of baby underneath your suggestion of cologne, women will be unknowingly drawn to you. Somehow you’ll have a reproductive edge about you and women will want to sleep with you. Now, if you do get called out on the smell, make sure you make an excuse like you are watching your sister’s kids while she has stomach cancer surgery and that was the only detergent she had. Pull a groin. Get out.

Become a bartender
There are several bartending schools in any given town. Take the six week course. Get a job at any bar. No matter what, you will get laid. Don’t be picky. Most bartenders are not. The cool guys will take the good ones during the night. You will get the drunk ones that you have been over-pouring for the last four hours. In the morning, if she doesn’t run screaming from your apartment, maybe she’ll go to breakfast with you and not give you a fake number. Either way, you’ll get to go into work the next night and try again.

Smoke or pretend like you do
Dirty girls smoke. Girls that smoke like it when a guy can offer them a cigarette or a light for their pre-existing cigarette. If you do not have an opening line, offer a cigarette. Then a light. Then talk about how the new smoking laws stink or that cigarette tax is too high. This will lead to other branches of conversation. Maybe she’ll bring up how smokers feel alone and you’ll now have something in common.

So keep a pack of cigarettes on you. It is best to have 100s in two of the major brands. If the girl is smoking Virginia Slims or Capris – STAY AWAY.

Bonus! It is also a well known fact that if a girl will put a cigarette in her mouth, she’ll put anything in her mouth.


Date a woman with kids
Sometimes your only option is the final option.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

What exactly is pubic transportation?

Whatever it is, I am moving....

Carpanza said...

I'm sorry Juan, but I don't think any of that advice is going to help me pick up deaf lesbians.

Anonymous said...

Learn to make out well. I hear you are the best damn necker there is.

dayvid franke said...

BRILLIANT!!! SPOT BOLLOCKS!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

The best approach is the shotgun approach.
Ask out every girl you see.
Ask them out for lunch first.

Avoid bars.

Go where women go for entertainment.
I met my wife skydiving.

Doug said...

Skydiving? That's brilliant!

If you don't like how the date is going, just don;t pull the cord!

priest said...

Skip the baby stuff. It's actually a real turnoff. Instead, try aloe vera gel. It's manly enough to some degree, but yet has a scent that smells nice to women.

The advice about the move is a good one. Sometimes you may live in an area where there is just a super-high statistical odds that you won't find a woman that looks reasonable. And then there are also places where the odds are that, even if she looked reasonable, she probably had issues anyway. I moved out of DC and into the deep South, and was engaged to be married within 2 months!

I also believe in the shotgun approach just by reason alone -- never tried it. Never had the guts to try it.

Anonymous said...

you are full of shit

Doug said...

No shit. I mean, yes shit.

Obviously you have not tried these methods or you would have found out that they actually work.

Especially the baby washing powder... that one is spot on.