I Can't Believe This Guy Is Kicking My Ass

I want to share with you a true story I call the Three Fists of John. (A good fight story has the word fist or iron or master in its title. Throwing a number in there helps as well as it gives the illusion that he’s got a really cool invisible psychokinetic appendage or some deformity.)

John is not a big man. He’s pushing 5’ 6”. But he can bench press about 250 pounds. He doesn’t have the mentality that he has to quadruple his size to make up for his stature. He’s just in really good shape. You’d never know with a quick glance that John is A: strong, B: quick as shit and C: knows a little bit about Tae Kwon Do. (John knows a little about Tae Kwon Do just like I know a little about pornography.) Sadly for a few dudes out there, they made the mistake of only taking a quick glance at John. Here are their mistakes as I have been told.

Doughnut Guy
One fine evening in Lancaster, Ohio, a bunch of us were headed to an after hours at friend’s house.
We all left the bar and went straight to the party. John wanted a donut. He drove through the Tim Horton’s, but they were out of donuts. Out of donuts? He went to the Jolly Pirate instead. They don’t have a drive-thru so he parked and walked towards the door. A dude with his girlfriend and two side kicks were hanging out in the parking lot, laughing off a night of drinking. The head dude stepped in front of John before he could get to the door. The dude, excited with exaggerated gestures said, “Man, you have got to try their French Crullers. They’ve got the best fucking French Crullers in town.” Side kicks and girlfriend laughed in the background, as they should. John said a sideways thanks as he slipped past the dude, thinking nothing of it. John picked out his donut and they put it in a bag. Donut bag in hand he walked out the door straight towards his car, avoiding the dude. Dude noises erupted behind John and he spun around. The dude said something to the effect of, “Hey man, I was talking to you,” rushed at John and attempted to shove him. Attempted.

John threw up his own hands (donut bag held firmly,) blocked the dude’s attempted shove and punched the guy squarely in the throat. The dude dropped to his knees, grasped his throat with both hands and gagged.

The dude’s girlfriend said, “Oh my Gawd” in a very matter-of-factly tone. The side kicks stood there in amazement. They looked at each other and then started to tentatively advance. Dude was still on his knees gasping for breath. John took a step back and set himself for round two. I can imagine him rubbing his thumb along the side of his nose, Bruce Lee style, donut bag in hand. Luckily (for whom?) a cop car drove around the corner and the side kicks panicked, grabbed the dude by his arms and dragged him backwards towards his car. John got in his car, party forgotten, and drove home.

Shortcut Guy
John was down in Miami visiting his girlfriend.
She worked several blocks from the apartment and left directions for John to visit her at work during lunch. The directions were to walk several blocks that way, turn, and then walk several blocks that other way. Easy enough. After the lunch visit, he decided to take a shortcut and walk at a diagonal back towards the apartment. Two points, straight line and all that. It was the middle of the day. What harm could come from walking down unknown areas of downtown Miami?

His straight line took him down several back alleys. One such alley was two big buildings, back to back, with doorway alcoves lining the length. The alcoves were deep enough to hide a person. There was also enough room for that person to have a knife.

So a guy jumped out of the doorway with a knife, right in front of John. He held out his other hand and demanded John’s wallet. John kicked the knife out of the guy’s hand and then kicked him in the chin, knocking him down. Whoa… I am not lying here. Just like in the fucking movies. Let’s review the script:

JOHN

This alley looks safe to me.

GUY IN ALLEY

Give me your wallet.

JOHN

I’m kicking the knife out of your hand.

GUY IN ALLEY

Wow. You just kicked the knife out of my hand. Just
like in the movies!

JOHN

Here comes the kick to the chin the knocks you down.

GUY IN ALLEY

Yep. I’m flat on my back.

JOHN

Now several blows to the face and head.

GUY IN ALLEY

Yep. I’m severely beaten.

I have to describe the last bit of that in a joking manner because John let loose on the guy when he was down. I don’t feel bad at all for the guy, but John really thinks he hurt him. With that done, John walked back to the apartment.

Kinko’s Parking Guys
John needed a special envelope for something he was sending in the mail.
He decided to stop at the Kinko’s on campus. There is some quick, illegal parking down an alley in an apartment complex just across from the Kinko’s. John drove down the alley and parked. As he walked down the alley towards the Kinko’s, two guys with mud and water all over their pants walked towards him. John’s not one for general observation and he neglected to notice the two guys or the large puddle next to the guys as he drove down the alley to park.

The first guy (the asshole) began to confront John about the accidental splashing. The second guy (the innocent by-stander) didn’t say much and we should all start feeling bad that he chose the asshole for a friend.

Now, I know John and he would have immediately apologized and given the two guys $20 each if he was given an opportunity. But instead of giving John an opportunity to apologize, the asshole threw a punch at him. John blocked the swing and kicked the guy in the chin, knocking him down. Here’s where poorly choosing your friends gets you a kick in the knee. Innocent by stander friend got a kick to the knee and he went down. Guilt by association. As John watched the second guy fall, the asshole recovered and picked John up and body slammed him. It cracked his head into the pavement and made John angry. John bounced up and gave the guy a round house kick to the head that knocked him out. Sadly, innocent by stander guy decided to stand up and John gave him a punch to the head. Innocent by stander decided to fall back down. John walked back to his car. Envelope forgotten, John drove home.

John is actually embarrassed of these events. He feels bad for the Miami refugee he pummeled and for innocent by stander guy who was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Even though he was protecting himself, I know he does not enjoy the beatings as much as I do. John’s critical of himself. I like that.

Of course, I could take him. Little fucker.

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

You write the funniest blogs...Thanks for the smile today...
Your Non-Friend

Doug said...

I like to think of my blog as the sawdust of the log that is my soul.

I also like to think of it as a way to pick up chicks in New Jersey.

Dayvid Franke said...

Doug, I love your blog and I AM your friend...
Kill

Anonymous said...

What a jerk!

Doug said...

He's your brother, asshole.

Anonymous said...

This reeks of bs

Doug said...

This is 100% true my friend.

zlato said...

The second post I've read on your site and the second one I've enjoyed enormously.

Then I noticed off to the right of the post that I'm going to save 50 percent on wedding dresses! This is awesome! Fine Silk and Satin Charming Design!

Missy said...

Oh god. Spontaneous laughter. ^^

Falcon said...

You know how to tell a story.

Falcon

vb said...

"yep. i'm flat on my back."

"yep. i'm severely beaten."

hahhaha this guy is hilarious lol