The Fight that Never Was

(By request: a repost)

I will tell this from my point of view. There were a few other points of view, but I am not one to assume or fill in the blanks, especially since I was a little drunk at the time.

Here’s the publicly released version of the story:

Handsome Joe awoke the morning after the bachelor party. He got out of bed, left the bedroom, but soon returned to get his glasses. He tripped over a rocking chair and split his face open. Fast forward six stitches. That is that.

I have a different version. Slightly different.

Saturday night. Jeff’s bachelor party was still in full swing. We had stopped what we will not mention and left the place we will not call attention to, to meet up with his fiancée and brother’s wife at a club.

The club is a nice little dance place that plays very typical 00’s dance music. When you are drunk and dancing with your friend's brother’s wife, it is a lot of fun. After an hour or so of dancing, Jeff and company finally decided to call it a night and left. I was on my own. Made my way over to the bar and ordered a drink so that I would have something to do while I watched the 23 year old girls dance. (Yeah, I’m that creepy guy.) Finished my drink and decide not to order another. Walked up the stairs and to the exit. At the top of the stairs is a vestibule that leads to a side bar or through double doors out to the street.

And there was Handsome Joe. Right outside the upstairs bar. I thought Joe had left with the others. Joe was involved in a conversation with some dude. The dude was unhappy. The dude had a frowny face and a uni-brow. The two universal facial expressions for a fight. Joe claims the guy was six foot tall. I won’t take that away from him.

Joe was trying to calm the guy down. But at the same time it seems that he was trying to egg the guy on. I remember Handsome Joe saying in his soothing voice, “Hey. Calm down dumbass.” Joe had his hands up in front of him in either the “I give up” or “I’m going to shove your ass backwards” position. It was escalating.

Here’s the “I think I remember” part. Joe put his hand on the guy’s chest. The guy threw up his own hands and pushed Joe back. Joe regained his footing and stepped forward. I sucker punched the guy.

I am not one to fight. I am not one to sucker punch. The sucker punch is a very cowardly act. The dude had no way of knowing that I was there. He had no way of seeing me throw the punch. Makes me an ass. But hey, don’t start shit with Handsome Joe when Doug’s had a few drinks and is sexually frustrated.

My fist connected. That was the second thing that happened. The first thing that happened was that I totally missed the side of the dude’s head and glanced off his cheek. Then I connected, with Joe’s face.

A split second later, I was grabbed and shoved out the door by a very large man. I turned to see where Joe was, but the very large man yelling at me persuaded me to walk away. I waited down the street. Any drunkenness I had was gone in the rush of adrenaline. Joe appeared and turned up the street in the opposite direction. I ran across the street to avoid the club entrance, ran up and back across and caught up with Joe. He had a napkin pressed up against his face. The napkin was a little white and a lot red.

Handsome Joe laughed. “Doug. You punched the wrong guy.”

The next day, Joe’s wife made him go to the Urgent Care. Fast forward six stitches. That is that.

Now, I must tell you that both version of this story are out there. To save Jeff embarrassment that a pseudo fight broke out at his bachelor party, we tell with all honesty that Handsome Joe lost a fight with a rocking chair. That is the truth.

And then there is my version. But I was a little drunk at the time.